Conversations With Myself

GOALS

2011-02-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

It is always good to have some clear goals. So here are mine.

I have the goal to leave the past in the past... really leave it there. I have anger and frustration build around things that will never change. I will never get acknowledgment, validation, and/or apologies for them. The only person they affect is me. I am allowing other things to control my happiness.

I want to not be so sensitive. I tend to want to please people and then get hurt when I don't. Or the other side is when I seem to be forgotten. Who cares? Not them, so why should I? Instead of letting it roll off but into some strange pocket of emotions that I keep locked up only to boil over when it gets too full. If people don't like the way I did something or think I should do something different... too bad. They aren't me and they don't have to live with my choices. Therefore, it is really none of their business nor is it their place to judge.

I am going to speak my mind more. I tend to keep so much inside for various reasons. I don't want to hurt a person's feelings - even if they have hurt mine. I don't want to seem needy or dramatic even though I have a right to worry or need some support. The bottom line is that if I communicate these things then people don't have to guess. They will then choose whether or not they are going to respond and how they want to do so. I am bad about asking for help but get hurt that I don't have any help. Well at least if I ask I will know if a person really decides to be there or not. This has been working. I now tell my husband what I need and he gets it. I did the same with my family. My sister got it in an angry conversation and didn't respond well at all. She is not willing to give me what I need - at least not now - and that is her right. My parents surprised me though. They stated they understood and showed me that they want me to do what I need and encouraged me to do it. That was unexpected.

I want to lose weight. I want to be the person I am on the inside not be trapped by the layers on the outside. I am living my life by hiding. I don't want my picture taken, don't really want to be around people, and so forth. It is because who I am on the outside is someone I don't feel comfortable with. Which in turn is killing me on the inside and results in nothing but questions and insecurities. My goal in this area is to be smaller than my husband. I know that is strange but I would like to feel like a woman - the smaller companion - in this relationship instead of like the Miss Piggie to Kermit the Frog. It took me a long time to get this way and it is going to take me a while to undo it.

I want to help my daughter be a strong and healthy person. I have let her see a woman who hides who she is and eats to feel better. She shies away from getting her picture taken and is already uncomfortable in her skin. She is not overweight but beautiful. But I do feel that I need to start now while she is 13 instead of waiting until she has become unhealthy and has a longer road ahead of her. I sat down today and had a conversation with her about some changes we need to make. So we came up with some things to try at least for a month to see if it will make a difference.

These are my goals. These goals will help me to take my life back instead of allowing other things, people, or events to dictate who I am and how I live. This is me striving to be healthy from the inside out.

Crazy But Meaningful Dreams

2011-02-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

I think my counselor would be proud. I had a dream, well parts of a dream, that stuck with me.

I was skinny and in a very elegant dress. I was trying to leave and go somewhere. However, some girl was in my way. She would not allow me to leave. It even got physical. As the struggle went on I changed; I got fatter. The girl I was fighting was me. It was me standing in the way of my success and it affected the way I saw myself and my weight. Sadly the thin me did not win the fight.

However, I think it allowed me to acknowledge that I stand in the way of my success. This is something I have known for awhile but really never wanted to acknowledge the depth of it. Factors in life play their part but bottom line it comes down to my desire, reaction, and focus. I have allowed my focus to be on other things and at times that has been okay. However, my focus needs to me on ME now. I need to be okay with ME.

This is something I am still in the dark about. I don't like myself and I am unsure as to how to fix it. I have started writing in a journal and have more to say than I thought. This blog is so I can air some stuff but the private head spinning stuff is for no one to see. I am to figure out some things I like about myself and how to have fun.

Strange thing was when my counselor asked me what I do for fun. I listed off things I used to do for fun (reading, going out with friends, ect.). When asked what I have done in the last few months... I really didn't have an answer. I came up with these after a few minutes of sitting there - watch some movies we rent and play boardgames with my kids. Which those are fun but the boardgames have been twice in like 4 months and well both of them I don't leave my house.

I am having a hard time wanting to leave my house and be around people. I can go to work... I kind of have a different persona that takes over and out of obligation to my family will make sure I do that. Plus work is a place I feel in control. I am good at my job and knowing what I am doing gives me a sense of accomplishment and control.

So lately I have been working out pretty much daily. I love Pilate or yoga because they both require so much control over your body. I like feeling I am in control even if it is something I am not yet good at.

Wow, this entry was all over the place....

Anger

2011-01-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the feeling that some people rejoice over your pain? That when things are going bad for you... all the sudden the sun seems to shine for them.

Growing up there were a few people in my life that seemed to react that way towards me. It seems that it really hasn't changed. Now I could be reading into is, that is possible, but I had a flashback today.

When I was younger there was an incident where everyone in a room waited for me to find out something they all knew would be painful. Matters of the heart. When I did, all eyes were on me for a reaction. I really did not react at all until I was home.

Now I am going through some stuff and well my life isn't so perfect. I let very little of it be known but should have just shut my mouth. I could see the glimmer in the eyes of another. I was easily dismissed and even kind of made fun of. I saw a similar look of satisfaction that I saw years ago. I was then discounted for my weight loss and effort. No congrats but rather how I am "doing it wrong."

I am just angry. I am so sick of being angry. But I do have to say that working out made me feel better. I just need to stick with that and focus.

Cracked

2011-01-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Weight down to 212.8, so almost 5 pounds in a week. That did put a smile on my face. I just have to keep it up.

I cracked last week. You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens. It changes the ability of the item. It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used. I have been all spun up.

I think I cracked so more last night. The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me. I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.

In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well. Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted. I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed. However, it just left me numb.

I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.

Hanging by a Thread

2011-01-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

I am hanging by a thread. I feel myself slipping away. I don't know who I am right now and even where I fit in. I am scared and lost.

I had someone give me an assignment: Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best? And what made it so great?

Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard. I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost. Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight. Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight. My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion. My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.

The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless. So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone. I am afraid I am self destructing... Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough. It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time. A good worker or good parent. A good daughter or a strong individual. Do I always have to choose? I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough. I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap. I have everything to lose. So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.

Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread. It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.

Jann Arden - Hangin' By A Thread Lyrics

Songwriters: Foster, Robert;Richards, Jann Arden

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was

THE UGLY TRUTH

2011-01-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

I went to a drug and mental health seminar Thursday and Friday of this week. There was a lot of very good information. Many things things that will help me help others. There was one thing that stuck with me. It was not new information, but just me thinking about me. When trauma happens in a person life they all deal with it different ways. Males tend to lash outward resulting in anger, aggression, and things people can visibly see. Females lash inward. They can become less socialize and tend to do things that hurt themselves. They over or under eat, act out sexually or pull way back sexually, and they are numb but emotional. I always lash inward. Right now I really don't want to be around anyone and I just want to hide under the fat and food that can be so easily consumed. But I can't do this to myself anymore cause like most things it just compounds the problems, never solving them.

I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable. I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me. They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has. Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this. However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves. What kind of damage am I doing to him? I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him. Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun. Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up. The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again. Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him. I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.

What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model? She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it. I can't hide from it.

I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case. But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through. Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.

Tubling around in my head... Need to find a way to let it go.

2010-12-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

So here is my venting or processing.

I find that I have helped create a mess in my life and then am dissatisfied with it. There is the thought that we train people on how to treat us... so if we command respect we get it and if not then we shouldn't expect it. I know that with my "friends" I tend to be the one that acts like certain things are not a big deal to me so as to not make the person feel bad.

Some examples - I had surgery and was scared to death. Some "friends" forgot or kind of blew it off, so then later when it came up some sort of apologized. I kept telling them that it was no big deal and I am sure they had many other things to worry about... it was okay that they weren't even there to ask how I was.
Another, I send emails, messages, and phone calls but don't get anything in return until they are in a crisis and then they will make a comment like - thanks for listening, I know I haven't been the best friend - and so what do I do but assure them they are fine and not worry about it.

So I don't acknowledge the wrong and smooth it over. I don't want that person to feel bad even if I feel terrible, hurt, or frustrated. Then later I am shocked and hurt all over again when it happens yet again.

I have never been the jealous or possessive friend. I don't get easily offended when I am not invited to everything or overlooked. I understand that certain events are a better fit for some people and other times it just happens to be a matter of timing when people get together. However, it does wear on you after a while because they do want you to not hold it against them but will hold it against you. Heck, one time at a funeral my "friends" were inviting everyone over to talk about old times in dealing with the loss of someone and I was NOT invited - which was pretty clear to me with the hushed talking and so forth. If the point was to hurt me, well you succeeded and now I need to let it go along with other things. But again, I sweep it under the rug and don't confront.

The one time I did it went badly and didn't change anything. The reality of that situation was me standing up for my sister and the person was worried about losing my sister's friendship but more than happy to tell me where to stick it. So I guess I only stand up to people when it is on behalf of others. The other incidents are that I have broken-up with or discontinued friendships because I can't condone some things that they have been doing, but even then it is never anything that they have don't to me personally.

The problem is that I am torn because a person should do something because they want to - not because they are obligated. So I take it that they don't feel obligated but only want me around when they reap the benefits. The times people have done things because of obligation it has been written all over the place. You know, having to invite me because of my sister or parents. Doing something because others around them expected it not because they wanted to. I don't want that, but I also can't handle the one-sided friendships either. So where do you draw the line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and saying I can't do this anymore.

When I was initially dealing with some pretty freaky health issues I did not know how to tell my friends and truthfully even some of my close family. I felt like I am damn if I do and damn if I don't. If I spill my fears and bring up things then I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking. Which I am seeking some attention because I need to process what is going on. The reactions I get are things that make me feel like I am being stupid, overacting, or the subject is changed. So then I stop telling them anything and they get angry when they find out from other means. The other thing that tends to happen is all the sudden I think some find it as a challenge - they have to tell me why things are so much worse for them and it almost feels like a dare to keep comparing. So I flip over the topic of conversation to what is going on with them.

See that tends to be my way of any conversations now. They ask how I am doing - I say fine - and then ask something specific about them because I know it is headed there anyway. I know they are not going to ask me specifically unless it is play the challenge game. Please don't think I am not aware that everyone has something going on. I am even aware that some things others are going through really are very stressful and yes, worse then mine own issues. I guess I just want an acknowledgment that what I am feeling or going through is stressful, frustrating, and I have a right to be worried or scared. You know a conversation where people are there to take an interest in each other. Listen, ask questions, and show concern for each other.

I continue to try to be this good friend who shows up to do even physical labor when I know it needs to be done or the shoulder to cry on when needed. But like I said it is taking it's toll. I guess I want to just quit caring that others don't care. Be the bigger person without a soft heart. I need to quit expecting that things are going to change. So why can't I? Why can't I just accept this is the way things are? They have been this way for most of my life... what is my problem?

I am scared right now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that could be hardly nothing to well something. I don't want to worry for nothing but my head will not stop running. It would be nice to feel like I could just call someone and just talk it out.... But instead it is after midnight and I am typing it all out.

Maybe in the light of day it won't seem so bad. I mean who really cares in the long run. Right? I just need to let it go................................

Advice to My Daughter

2010-12-06T07:26:00.001-07:00

When we are young we always can't wait until we grow up. When we are grown up it seems like we wish we were younger. The grass tends to be always greener making us want what we don't have.

I awoke today from dreams that took me through my tough teen years. Ugh. The frustration, heartache, and not knowing who you are was almost too much to bare. It made me think of the things that I wish I would have know then but didn't. Granted each person has to find their own way, but I thought about the things I want my daughter to know.

First, just because you have known someone a long time and they say they are your "friend" does not mean they are. There are people that rejoice in your pain and create drama in you life for entertainment value. These can be people you are related to or people you have known most of your life. I think something changes and if there is any sort of jealousy, some of your friends can't wait until you fall flat on your face. Therefore, be careful who you surround yourself with. Your friends should be there through the good and the bad. Your real friends will tell you when they are concerned and why. But your fake friends will set up situations for you to be confronted and humiliated in front of others. They will also turn their backs on you in front of others they are trying to impress, only to come back later and act as though nothing happened.

Boys, oh boy. I was doing great in life until I discovered boys. :) Some will be great friends and others will want more. When you allow a boy into your heart do so cautiously. Granted it seems that we don't always choose who we like, but you do have to take it slow. If he really cares he will be there in time. I think everyone has a broken heart of some sort in their life. However, you can minimize the damage. I believe my greatest mistake in life was not setting boundaries. When you go your separate ways, break-up, be sure to let them know that you will not let them back. I don't know that there is anything more painful then having someone come and go in your life whenever they want. The constant keeping you shelved to see if there is something better only to return when they need an ego boost or are bored.

Happy to say the only man in my life that never did that is the one I am married to. He made up his mind and never looked back. You can never feel as valued as that. However, most boys will not get to that point until they are much older and some never will.

Don't become something just because that is what people think you are. Sometimes people treat you a certain way as they jump to conclusions. These can be peers, parents, teachers, and so forth. Getting caught up in their negative thinking can be easy when at times you have no idea who you are. I was a young skinny girl with all the curves that made some think I must be "loose" or "flirty" when it came to boys. After a while I just kind of gave in because in my mind if I was going to be treated that way I might as well be that girl. However, I realize that all that did was validate them and allow them to do that to others. It made me more lost and gave others more reasons to treat me in a manner that I never wanted.

Always pray. As a teenager there are times you feel that no one can understand you. Sometimes you can't even understand yourself and the emotions inside you. Praying, even if it is in tears or just a few words, can make you feel that you are not alone. Regardless of what your "friends" or a boy does to you, there is always someone that is interested and wants the best for you.

Remember that no matter what, I will always love you. Even if you roll your eyes. Be true to who you are... at the core of it there is a beautiful woman waiting to grow.

Soundtrack Of Your Life

2010-12-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

Music is such a powerful thing. A song can come on that you have not heard for years but all the sudden you are time warped back. Feelings, memories, faces, and even smells can come back.

I heard a new song and it did the same thing. What she was singing about just kind of time warped me back and I remembered heartache from long ago. The words so powerful and the way she said them so familiar although it was not a song I had ever heard.

This got me thinking about how each of us have soundtrack to our lives. Soundtracks help us to remember parts of our beloved movies. Well our own soundtrack reminds us parts of our life.

So I have decided that this would be a fun challenge.... to make a soundtrack of my life. The beginning will have a lot of old country as I remember listening to my grandfather, dad, cousins, and so forth play guitars and sing. Then some rock as my mom used to listen to the Doors, Beatles, and so forth. 80's rock for when we moved and my sister introduced me to pop music. 90's songs for my teenage years full of first loves, horrible heartaches, and lots of change. Some songs that remind me of meeting my husband and his obsession with the band Korn. But in the mix songs that remind me due to their lyrics of some turning points in my life. I do plan on doing this and adding it as a play list. I think it will be interesting.

I think that everyone has a soundtrack to their life. I am just choosing to actually try to put one together.

Black Friday - Fun and Frustration

2010-11-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

As a veteran retail worker this day still brings floods of memories... like flash backs. I worked retail for 12 years, 10 at Target (1995-2005) and 2 at Musicland (1992-1995).

I can honestly say that there was nothing more fun then the first few hours of that Friday morning. Watching people run like it was some sort of game show they were on. The smart ones left their children and the elderly home to avoid losing part of their group. As the employees you knew you stayed out of the way for the first 20 to 30 minutes and then manned your station. All the while wondering why you were not trained by the SWAT team in riot and crowd control tactics.

I am a survivor of the Tickle Me Elmo, Ferbies, Nintendo 64, PlayStation 2, and other "newest" or "hottest" item of the year. I remember with the stupid Ferbie frenzies that right before the front doors were open some yelled that all the Ferbies were in the Lingerie department. Herds of people ran over to the Lingerie department shoving and pushing just to find nightgown, robes, bras, and underwear.... no Ferbies as they would of course be in the Toy department. I guess the smart person that said that probably had an armful at the register before the other shoppers even made it to the Toy department. With these fun times came being yelled at, accused of hiding items, ran into, threatened, and called some pretty harsh and horrible names.

I also remember when they used to have the special handouts/prizes for the first 100 or so shoppers. You know like game pieces they took to the Toy department to see if they won a car. Special discounts only available in the nice grab bag the shoppers got from camping out all night and protecting their right to walk through the door before the majority of the other people. The reality was that most of the grab bag tend to have coupons for batteries and buy one get one free. They quit doing that sort of thing because I think it got too dangerous. In the little town of Boise we almost had our doors broken as people were pushing people and the doors prior to opening. I cannot imagine the amount of people that were trampled or hurt due to the greedy monster that took over others in line.

The door busting electronic!!!! I worked different years in the electronic department. Every year there was some stereo and camera that were priced so low that you knew you were going to run out before the second hours was done. One year we had an abundance of the stereo so we had both sides of an entire aisle filled with them as well as eye level shelves on both sides of the outside of electronics. We had to put the rest on "risers" or the highest shelf in electronic because there was NO way we were going to be able to have a pallet brought from all the way from the back of the store to electronics. People started climbing the outer side of electronic - the computer game wall in Music and Movies and knocking the stereo's over on the people in that aisle. The stupid thing was that there was still an entire aisle of them and they were knocking them over not towards them so it was nothing but dangerous. The sad thing is that due to the cheapness, rough handling, or whatever, about half of those door busting electronics were usually returned due to not working.

Note the blonde woman looking like she is in the fight of her life.

The worse thing was being scheduled to close. You got there when everyone is grouchy and the store is sooooo messy you don't see much of an end in sight. You remember when I likened the opening of the doors to a game show.... well the participants seemed to split up and grab everything they could and meet back (usually by a scanner or in the girls clothing department) and go through what they had and dump a ton of stuff on the floor as it was duplicates or unwanted. It was your job to pick it all up, sort it, and then put the stuff back in your designated area. Plus, you still had to deal with the customers that were not finding anything left and tired as they had been up since most likely 4 am at other stores. My favorite was that they would all be genuinely shocked that you were out of the items with the best prices or that were the hottest. It was like they did not notice the other hundreds of people that are walking around like angry zombies too. Only they had the idea to come out and only they knew about the sale. Somehow you personally made it so that they would waste their time coming in just to frustrate them with this cruel joke.

Most of the time it was hard to get people to leave the store. I think they were in some sort of hope that you would find a pallet of goods hidden or didn't want to go home disappointed. Finally when they did go you were happy because at least if you fixed one area it would stay fixed. Most of the time we gave up around 2 am and called it good. The truck team came in around 4 am and fixed as they stocked some areas. Only to hope that you were scheduled as a mid worker tomorrow because you would rather work with little sleep then have to close again.

The biggest and busiest shopping day of the year - thanks for all the memories good and bad. And NO I am not a shopper on that day no matter the deals in the ads.

Postive Things To Remember

2010-11-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law sent a little book to my daughter titled "50 things to Always Remember" by Douglas Pagles. It has very good up building personal sayings and thoughts to build you up. I of course had to read it and loved a lot of the little sayings. So I guess I am using them to get myself more up built and positive.

The one that I feel I needed right now is:

So when it seems like you're getting overlooked and under-appreciated, find some reassurance and comfort in quietly saying this: I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

I think most of us feel overlooked in life, especially at one time or another. I think most of us feel under-appreciated. We see our effort and we know our heart. This is something that most people have no insight into.

However, I also think we are just as guilty in judging others or feeling we know their motivations or efforts as well. We live in a world that takes all of our energy and concentration most of the time. Therefore, we don't get a chance to REALLY see what is going on with others. Therefore, we assume we know and are easily let down. I know that some of my own frustration is in not understanding why some don't act as though they care. Maybe they do but all their energy and effort is tied up in something else that is taking priority in their life. Maybe they don't care.

Bottom line is that I have to worry about me. Easier said than done. However, I do know I have a very wonderful heart and that I am more than what most people see (some because they don't want to and others because they can't).

A Change and Some Reflection

2010-11-22T19:23:00.003-07:00

CHANGE:

So Jo started using her's to blog about her trip and well I am a follower of what they are doing because I love them and wish I was there. This turn got me to think about my blog. I am going to use it more often. It may be me venting or it may be me just thinking out loud. I just have so much in my head that I need it to go somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. Plus people don't have to read it if they don't want to.

I think in a round about way I try to vent or express discontent just to get it out on Facebook, but then all that does is get a lot of people either mad, confused, or I don't really say what I want to. This is public but much more private and I can handle that. It is a journal that IF someone is interested in they can look at it but is won't pop up in their face for them to scan when they don't want to.

REFLECTION:

This has been a very challenging year for so many people. For me I lost my grandpa, my other grandpa that I was trying to get some information from as he has not been in my life since I was small,my great uncle, my grandma (who I miss more than I thought I would), a friend decided to take his life, and I recently loss my dog. Ugh. Lots of loss. It is funny because I think with the loss of each, yep even the dog, I have gained a different perspective on other things in my life. I feel the loss but I also see what I had and feel fortunate in other areas.

With the passing of my grandfathers I learned that life is too short to hold a grudge. Time marches on whether fences are mended or not. Each person has their own regrets and their own triumphs... but the score ceases to matter after a while.

I think with my grandma I gained the perspective of how a quiet person can have such an impact on others. I learned that you can be loving to others and still stand by your convictions. Consistency and real love can make all the difference even though each person around you is caught up in their own problems. I've learned what it really meant to have a grandparent and realized that she has been the one true consistence in my life in that regard.

With the loss of a friend to suicide I learned that you have to not judge and realize we never know what each person is dealing with regardless of a smile on their face. I also learned that holding stuff in can't be good for you. I think the most important thing I learned and need to remind myself is, that I have outgrown some immaturity and the desire to be in the "in" crowd with the people I grew up with. Life isn't a popularity contest and the people that really care will not always be the people you think of when the word "friend" comes up.

Sadly the loss of my dog taught me to not take things for granted. Most of all it taught me that I am responsible and brave when it comes to doing what needs to be done even if it hurts and makes me cry.

The last big impact this year has been with my tumor in my uterus. The stress and worry that came from and still comes from that was more than what I could voice. I felt like if I discussed it then I was a "drama queen" or that others felt they needed to compete. I still have to deal with this even after the surgery. I have an appointment with an oncologist due to the tumor testing results finding it a Borderline Serous Ovarian Tumor which is but is not cancer... (I don't know it is all confusing). I have to meet with this doctor and it may be just an education about what it was and what to look for if the other ovary starts to act up... or it could be more depending on what she recommends. Part of me just wants to avoid and the other part wants to be as proactive as possible. I know it could be worse and I shouldn't complain, but I need to somewhere don't I. Can't I be upset that life isn't fair and somethings continue to just frustrate me in this 33 year old body.

**** But I have learned about who is really there for ME and who is there for show****
I am blessed in that way.

This year (as in previous years) has made me very aware of what a wonderful and loving husband I have. He is my rock and even when he doesn't know what to do or say he finds a way of showing me that he loves me very much.

Coming Down

2010-06-08T06:59:00.002-06:00

So I have been sad and frustrated. I know it doesn't solve anything but actually makes things worse. I isolate myself and just kind of give up in people.

I still have that raw pain and emotion that I am hanging on but it is not as throbbing. I have been trying to lay low but not too low. I often wonder if everyone goes through a cycle of frustration. You know where there is something that is not going to change and they accept it, but after a while kind of have an explosion of it back building on them.

The reason I am alone or don't have a lot of close friends is because I don't put myself out there. Or when I do and it doesn't turn out the way I think it should have, I say that's okay and pull completely back. I have friends that literally will stand me up or only call when they need something. I always say it is no big deal. However, it is and but I allow it. I trained them.

So is it bad now I am doing the same thing? I am going to call on them when I need something.

NO! I AM NOT OKAY AND THANKS FOR ASKING!

2010-06-01T20:46:00.002-06:00

I am fairly certain as I have not written on this for such a long time that no one reads it. Which is fine because I need to vent just to vent. Say it just to say it.

I have lost my grandpa, my great uncle (who by all purposes was my grandpa for the many years his brother was not there for me), my other biological grandpa, and my grandma all since December. There is something strange that happens to your mind when you have that much loss in such a short amount of time.

My grandpa. I loved him and always wanted to know he loved me. A split in our family made it difficult for a relationship and I always felt we just were not important. Not to mention that at pivotal points in my life he was invited but never showed. Later after me losing it with him and time, we finally started to have a relationship. It was after he was already dying from cancer. I have regrets but also feel cheated. I was angry but at the same time calm that at least something changed.

My uncle. He was a family man. There for his own and then some. He was there at pivotal points in my life. He made me feel loved and special. But he also had a ton of his own grandchildren and I never wanted to feel like I was in the way. I miss him. Every family gathering I looked for him and talked with him.

My other grandpa. Same story other side. I never really had a relationship with him as yet another split happened and it did not go well. I contacted him about 2 years ago asking if I could have pictures of my mother as I had never seen her younger than 2 years old. We talked on the phone but he too was aged and not really in the best place to cultivate a relationship. His is a relationship I will never have the chance for. I never got the pictures and feel that all was lost.

My grandma. I loved her. She was THE grandparent (other than my great grandma) that I felt loved me for me. She stood up for me a few times and in her own quiet way let me know that no matter what she was there for me. I was blessed to be one of the ones with her as she just stopped breathing. I have this huge whole in my heart from her being gone. It aches and I feel a bit lost. Like I don't know who I am or if I am okay.

I have two remaining grandparents and the funny thing is that they really don't notice me. At my grandpa's funeral, my grandma was so upset (as that was her brother... yes we are inbred). I could understand her not asking if I was okay or taking the time to talk to me. But at my grandma's funeral (her ex-sister in law) she didn't really talk to me. I attempted 3 times and finally made her talk to me but was dismissed very easily so she could talk to people she didn't really know. No real concern for me or even desire to spend time with me.

So there must be something wrong with me. What is it about me that is just so easily dismissed? What is there that makes me so not loved? Everyone LOVES my sister as do I. There is something about her that just draws you to her. But me, well .... I don't know. I even see that with my friends. We all grew up together but if they see me, they ask me how she is doing... not me. We both lost the same people, we both cry, we both were close with the one grandma and not that close with our grandpas. Well maybe that is not true, as my grandpa loved her and doted on her as the first grandchild. But he missed major moments in her life too.

No. I am not okay. But really I don't expect anyone to notice. I will deal with it and move on.

Well my husband notices and he cares. But notes too that there is no answer. I am just worried that he too will stop caring. Then what will I have left. What is it about me?

SOOOOO

2009-04-30T06:36:00.002-06:00

Well it has been a while and I have actually had a few requests to update this thing...LOL. So I am trying to figure out what to write. I don't want it to be negative and venting.. I think that was what my last two were like. Life has it's stresses and although it is all "normal" to a degree I have shared enough with some of my closer friends lately that it is being dealt with.

So what is going on that is interesting. I have found that I really do love what I do. Yeah, the politics can be a BIG pain, but whatever. I really wish I could share some stuff but well can't be very specific. I do know that I think I would make a horrible police officer on patrol. When I read the police reports I find that I am either just really irritated or laughing. There was one report that I was laughing sooooo hard I was actually crying. It was a mixture of the sarcasm of the officer and the stupidity of the person (who was currently on my caseload so I visualize him). It is interesting how well people will stick to their stories even after they realize there is nooooo way that they could be true.

I have also heard some real interesting stories as to why people use drugs. I have a hard time not laughing at the person sitting across from me. I do have to give them credit, most hardcore addicts are very inventive.

I have been told by more than one of my clients that I tend to smile really big (annoyingly) when I know they are lying or am ready to have a good come back for what they are saying. I think I will strive for the type of service that puts them in jail with a smile. That is pretty different and memorable. Hey, I think I just found my new motto... a new take on service with a smile.

I am also happy that Sean is 30. This is just plain selfish on my part....LOL. But the fact I was in my 30's and he was in his 20's for some reason really bugged me. I know, I know we are not the far apart in age but the gap sounds bigger when the first number doesn't match.

I know this has not been my most entertaining post. What do you expect... I couldn't sleep due to some serious things on my mind so I did give it a good shot. Maybe the next one will be better.

Exhaling and letting it all out

2009-04-05T21:12:00.002-06:00

Ahhh spring is in the air, along with wind, snow, rain, and ice. I am going to be 32... ugh. I know to some that is not old or anything to worry about. Honestly it is just another day but I always find this time of year so hard for me. I become reflective....

April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.

Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.

You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.

The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.

Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.

Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.

Headaches... great!

2009-03-19T07:21:00.002-06:00

So I have had a headache since like the end of January. It has gotten a bit better and now lately soooooo much worse. I finally could not take it anymore. I went to the doctor yesterday after work. I mean here I am talking to people holding my head, pulling my hair, or getting lost in my own thoughts cause my head is ready to just explode or fall off.

So we go in and the doctor thinks they are tension headaches that are so bad because I let them go on for so long. In my defense I used to get migraines that would subside in about a week if I stuck them out. I have had horrible headaches for as long as I can remember, even when I was really little and my mom would turn out the lights and have me listen to classical music.

The thing is that I really dreaded telling my parents who had my kids what the doctor said. Reason being that I feel as though they think that I can't handle this new job. Reality is that I love my new job! It is just everything that has been going on in the mean time.

Yes, it is stressful learning a new job and dealing with other people who really don't want to see you (well except for the small few that get sad when I tell them they are done and they still want to come see me). But lets review all the other things that have been going on. I went to the eye doctor in February and he freaked me out by telling me there was a higher chance than not that I had cancer in my eye. After waiting two to three weeks that turned out to be nothing and the eye doctor was just as relieved as me. Yeah, that was stressful. My daughter is becoming quite the moody teenager and we have frustration with the whole "I do my homework, but just don't bother to turn it in is why I have an F in that class" episodes that are reoccurring. Dylan being sick and getting the flu. Parenting is stressful. The whole "what the heck is going on at Micron issues" with Sean facing the layoff. Now, honestly I am doing well with it realizing it is what it is and there is nothing we can do but keep moving forward. Then life in general with watching loved ones go through stuff and feeling for them.

I am doing much better at handling these things than I used to. No crying, blowing up, and so on. I have been like "well whatever." So maybe my new approach has just settles in my neck and head as my new way of dealing with it.

So now on top of some new meds for a while, I have to go to physical therapy to get this under control. One way or another I will have to fit it in my really full schedule. But, yeah I'm not stressing about it. LOL

Wow, where have I been?

2009-03-12T07:19:00.003-06:00

So I guess it have not written for a while. I swear I get started on something and then get addicted and forget all the other stuff. My husband got a facebook page. Well then so did I. What I love is that I have 10 of my cousins on there. One I have not seen since I was 12 or 13 that lives in New Jersey. It has been fun chatting with him and learning about him. I also get to tease my cousins in California and get to see what they have going on. I adore my cousin Josh because he just is fun and loves to be different.

My husband took me to an Opera for our anniversary. It was great! Mozart was the composer but it was one of his comedies. The cast and singers were wonderful both acting and singing. Yes, it was sung in Italian (I believe) but with subtitles projected above. They modernized the set and props so it was easy to follow and laugh. It was funny to see that some people dressed up like a black tie affair and some were in jeans and t-shirts. It was at the Egyptian Theater so I wondered if some people wanted to go to a movie and then realized that an Opera was playing. But it was way more expensive than a movie...lol. Sean and I dressed up nice. Afterall we were on a date. :)

My son Dylan is wayyyyyyyy toooooooo smart. He amazes me when he does his homework how little help he needs and fast he catches on. Yesterday, I just kind of ran the timer on his reading but he did all the worksheets by himself quick as lightnight and right.

Aubree is my kid I have to fight her to do her homework. She is smart and creative as well. But I think that creativity makes her think that she can create a way out of doing her homework. :) She is also smarter than she lets on because she thinks that she will have someone do most of the work if she acts like she just doesn't get it. She forgets I am her mom... and I had an older sister the exact same way. Funny how things are passed on. I swear she is a clone of my sister some times.

Am speechless...

2009-03-03T07:50:00.002-07:00

Funny thing... my brain seems to be shutting down and I can't think. I think (yeah I just said that) it is because I have continuing education and I feel like I am in my school mode again. No room for thoughts must absorb information.

I really like the information that we are learning in our classes. I think that it is kind of my personality to do the things that we are learning in how to deal with people. The crazy thing is that because I am the newest P.O. and am there with the two senior P.O. I think I am that much more nervous. Not that either of them are mean or anything, but I guess I feel like I have to prove myself to some degree. I notice yesterday when it was my time to try the exercise and they were grading me my nerves took over. I was over thinking everything and in my head I was like "what am I doing" and "slow down." Ugh... it is hard to do something when you feel so unnatural because of the situation. I mean having a conversation when you know others are looking at you to grade you is brutal.

Hopefully, I will do better today. I just need to not over think it.

My own worst enemy?!

2009-02-23T07:18:00.002-07:00

A few nights ago Sean and I were laying in bed cuddling. He looked so lovingly at me but then I guess I had a strange look on my face. When he asked what I was thinking (he only asks when I have that "hmmmm" deep thought look on my face, so don't think he is like us girls that ask all the time) I had the strangest time explaining it.

My thought was that I love the fact and the way that he loves me. Okay, so that is a good thought, why the strange look? Because the whole reason that was on my mind was that I knew he loves me for me, not who or what he thinks I should be. Now I've lost you....

My broken mind is that I know that I am afraid of becoming thin again. What??? Why??? Isn't that the goal all women have?

Let me explain this insanity that I am trying to work through and have for the last few years that this has really dawned on me. When I was younger and thinner, I felt really lost and not as valued. You see the girls all thought that because I was bigger in the breast area and small in the waist that I was always trying to steal attention or boyfriends. This was even the reaction I got from people that have known me for a long time, I just change by losing a ton of weight and growing in the other area. My personality did not change but my body did and that was enough for everyone to judge me.

Then I look at my past boyfriends or loves. In many ways I was something to show off. Please don't think I am conceded... I am not saying it was my beauty but my body. I never really felt my feeling and thoughts were cherished. It was what they felt I could do for them. Now, I know that a few of them really did care, but not in the manner that made me feel secure enough that if I gained weight or changed that I was sure of their reaction. Maybe it would have been okay, but in my mind I will never know. I felt like a toy that they got bored with and so they would leave, later they would remember it and come back. Many of my relationships were that way - together, apart, together, apart, ect. until one of us just had it or something better came along for them to enjoy.

Heck even Aubree's dad says things to me like, "I tell people that when we hooked up you were a lot hotter..." Now I feel that I am something to be ashamed of. So you would think that I would want to be thin again.

However, I feel I have pretty good friends that like me for my personality. I have Sean who loves me for my inner and outer beauty. I guess on a subconscious level I feel that if things change physically for me that I will be viewed differently and not valued. I know that this is not true with Sean. I think sometimes I cheat him out of what he should have, a wife with a confident body image. I just have to get over this mental issue and quit panicking when I start to lose weight. I guess it will come with time.

Crazy huh????

Change....hmmmm.... Strange.

2009-02-20T05:52:00.010-07:00

My wonderful husband has had this week off. The way he decided to use the bulk of his time is to scan pictures that we have had in boxes forever. This is an all day process because we have a gazillion pictures.

I think it is amazing how much I have changed in the last 15 years of my life. I think for girls it is discouraging but yet interesting. I know, I know, I know... I have had kids, illnesses, time, and all that stuff makes you age and well in my case bigger. However, even when I was younger I could look different by dying my hair or changing my make-up. I thought I would share some with you.

Now my husband's response last night when I commented on how cute I "used to be" (I know but when you had your skinny days...), was "babe, people don't look the same after 10 -15 years." He is the last person that should ever say that. He still has clothes from high school that he fits into. Yes, he may look young, but he did graduate over 10 years ago... check him out.

He looks pretty much the same. :)

Thanks for scanning them babe. I guess I will keep you guessing on who you will wake-up to the next day. LOL

Body lanuage

2009-02-19T07:10:00.002-07:00

So some of you know that I am strange and get on certain curiosity kicks. One of which was about handwriting analysis. I still think that this is fascinating how our brain gives us away when we write. Our arm is just the tool but our brain is reflecting our emotion and honesty with every stroke and space we have in our writing.

Now I am on a curiosity kick regarding body language. I think it is because again I want to see beyond the obviousness of verbal language. I deal with people all day that many times are not completely honest with me. I know that looking up and one way is finding a memory but that looking up and the other way is finding a lie. However, I have noticed that many of my clients tend to have similar body language when they are talking to me. I want to understand it. Are they nervous? Are they lying? What are they really saying?

I guess I feel if I know their body clues then I can ask the right follow-up questions to get what needs to be out, out. Truth be told I want to help each of them but if I don't know some crucial things than I can't. Hmmmm. So anyway I ordered a book last night that got rave reviews. I guess we will see if I learn anything.

Games we played that our kids never will.

2009-02-17T07:24:00.003-07:00

I had some strange dream last night.... I know shocker! However, it got me thinking about games I played as kids that my kids will never play nor really understand. I know each generation goes through this with the change in our society and so forth.

We used to play lay-away all the time. We would use the clothes or closet of my neighbor's house and literally act like we were putting items on lay-away; making payments and so forth. I know that my kids have no idea what this is. Another game that I had at one point thought maybe the neighbors and I made up was "No bears out tonight." It was like a duo tag team that were the bears that would try to get the group walking around the backyard in the dark singing the "no bears are out tonight....." song. I think I finally met someone else that actually played that as well.

We also used to play a game called murder in the dark. Everyone was assigned roles secretly: detective, murderer, victims 1 through whatever. Then with the lights out the detective had to figure out who the murderer was before they got killed. Kind of morbid huh.

We actually played cowboys and Indians (I was always an Indian, proudly). Now our culture has changed so much that the concept is lost on our kids. In someways I guess that is good. We also played "V." Yes, after the series that was on TV. Hide the thimble, hot and cold, red light - green light, red rover and so forth.

One pivotal game in all the girls life was MASH. It helped us imagine who were we going to marry, where we were going to live, and how many kids we would have. I remember playing it for hours at sleepovers. Maybe I need to have my girls over some night and play it again. With the exception that I have to marry Sean....LOL.

Awkward!!!

2009-02-13T07:16:00.002-07:00

I know we all have those moments where something we said or did all the sudden takes a turn we never saw coming.

A couple of days ago I had to go to Nampa court for a case. Upon arriving I learned the prosecutor/defense attorneys decided to continue the case (pending new charges) until April the day before. So a bit frustrated that I did not receive an email updating me, I laughed it off and started on my way back to work in Caldwell. At a stoplight I was reviewing the folder and saw the name of the arresting officer on the case was someone I knew. It was my brother-in-laws good friend and I just kind of chuckled. I looked up to check on the light and saw my brother-in-law in his truck which just struck me as funny since I just thought about him. I was going to call him and say something but I realized he was on his cell phone.

Anyway, I thought nothing of it till later when my sister and I were talking on the phone. I was tell her of the coincidence of seeing the friends name and then my brother-in-law in like a matter of seconds. All the sudden her tone change! She wanted to know what time and where at. I gave her an approximate. Then she asked if he saw me... I was like nope I was in the county car so he did not even look at me.

I guess he was on the phone with my sister. She was asking him if he could swing by and pick-up some papers for his boss. He was telling he could not because he was still working and no where near by. But he was about 1 mile away at the time. She was fuming because he lied to her. Wow, such a change in the story than where I ever meant it to go.

So, the next day my brother-in-law calls me at work. He said that he was on his way to order flowers for my sister and his wife as a surprise. I guess I kind of ruined that.... oops. He actually said that he didn't know the one time he would try to be sneaky and surprise her a cop would be tailing him. I kind of laughed and was like "sorry, I just thought it was a funny coincidence."

Talk about awkward.

"You're too good to be true"

2009-02-11T07:07:00.005-07:00

Well at 4:00 am this morning I laid in bed with my head running like a person in training for a marathon. Believe me it was not because I was not tired, but rather my mind some times likes to wake-up hours before it should. Work was on my mind and I knew I needed to shut it off or I would not go back to sleep.

So I looked over at my sleeping husband and just started thinking about him. I am so deeply in love with him. I think I tell him that at least five times a day or get him to tell me that he loves me. He is amazing! I am so fortunate in so many ways. SO THANKS JO AND RICHARD! They did a great job in making him and molding him.
Truth be told I do think that we are perfect for each other. We both think and say the same stupid things when we are trying to be funny. Other people may not get us but we laugh at ourselves.

In less than a month we will have been married for 9 years (together for 10 1/2). The funny thing is that even when we started liking each other I really was thinking that there was no way this was going to work out. He was younger, just out of high school, and so different than any guy I had ever dated. I even told people that the reason I was around him was that he made me feel young again, especially after having a baby. The song called "Crush" played on the radio all the time and I told Sean that was us. But, once I fell for him, I fell harder than I ever thought imaginable.

Now we are still like newly weds. I have even had some complaints from friends that we are too lovey. Now, we don't make-out in front of people or grope each other (even though the thought crosses my mind). However, we are always touching - holding hands, sitting next to each other, in each others arms, and so forth. I will never apologize for this. Truth be told that we do this even when it is the two of us at home and we are watching TV. That is just us and the only thing I regret is if it makes other people feel bad, but then it maybe more jealously or frustration than anything else. I don't mean to hurt any one's feelings but I will never apologize for the affection my husband and I give and receive.

It is the little things that really do matter. Sean does 90% of the cooking and shopping. He also does a majority of the laundry. I know that he does these things for two reasons, because he knows that I am tired when I get home and because he looks at what he contribute to the marriage and does so happily. He also brings home flowers for me for no reason. I want him to know that I appreciate every little thing he does for me - right down to writing me reminder notes or putting my cell phone in my purse so I don't forget it.

My favorite thing though, and I don't think I have ever told him this, is at night when we go to bed. Sean takes my pillow and scoots it over next to his chest. I lay in the crook of his arm up on/by his chest. I feel safe, content, and loved as he holds me till I sleep. That is why it is so hard to go to sleep when he is not there.

I hope that he feels just as loved as I do. I hope everyone feels as loved as I do. I fell asleep again around 5 am with a smile on my face and these thoughts in my head.

Life isn't fair, but you know what it isn't fair for anyone

2009-02-10T07:26:00.003-07:00

Hmmmm... so many things rolling around in my head these days. I don't know where to start or how. I guess the theme I see lately that is going on in some of my friends and family's lives is that some people really don't appreciate what they have. They also don't seem to notice or care how much their actions, words, or lack of actions seem to affect the ones that love them the most.

One area this seems to be consistent in life is those who suddenly feel that the grass is greener in an other pasture. Marriage and relationship are tough. But you know what, they are worth the time and effort. Those who feel like the grass is greener being single often forget to look at the grass they are standing on. Looking outward instead of inward. It is often not until they have climbed the fence and ran in that field that they realize that the grass where they were before is cushier, greener, and more nurturing. Then there are those that are single that do the same thing and settle for someone just to be married. Again it is often too late before they see where they are and where they were. We all need to open our eyes to where we are, not where others are. Chances are that the other people are looking at your field and feeling they are missing out.

Then there are people who decide that what they want is what needs to happen without consideration for those that have to deal with the consequences. My grandfather deciding that the wants to go home and have no one else go with him except my grandma is insanity. He has his kids all upset. My grandma is not in any condition to take care of a man who just had heart surgery on top of a mountain where it takes a bit to get there from the hospital. My grandma already has her own health problems to deal with. But that is not considered. It seems like he feels life is not fair because he has health issues. Well life isn't fair for anyone, so I guess it irritates me that those type of people tend to make it even less fair for those that love them.

One thing about my job is I get to see people who have pushed their loved ones to the edge. I get to see how their choices have made them people they can't stand. Losing their spouse, children, jobs, and so forth. I had a guy in yesterday that was homeless for years and is now finally back with his parents. He now appreciates all he had. They have made choices in life with drugs, crimes, and so forth. But I guess I look at it as we choose to decide to take things in our life for granted. We all fall victim to feeling bad about ourselves. Hopefully we snap out of it before we cause others more unfairness in life.

Accepting and Realizing

2009-02-03T07:20:00.002-07:00

I am coming to terms with and finally feel okay with a lot of things in my life. Granted I am sure I will have days that certain things are going to rub me the wrong way. However, I awoke this morning with a strange calm and happiness. Seriously I did not sleep much (due to being up late doing my mixed "tapes" 3 of them for my Sean). But I awoke a half hour before my alarm and just had some good thoughts. It makes me kind of wonder if I had a dream I can't remember.

First, I am okay with where my family (not me and my living in the same house family as this does not apply) is in our relationship. I love my mom very much and things will and are working out. Time truly does make a big difference. I am also okay with being the grandchild that is not bragged about or really even talked about by my all my grandparents. I think that seeing how they looked at my sister for being the first and then never being very close to them really bugged me in life. But, so what! I don't have to prove myself worthy, I know that I am and that they love each of us in our own way, even if that means some are much more subtle. I know that when it counts I am there for them and have good reason why they can be proud of me. I also have found comfort in knowing that I am one that they don't have to worry about.

When it comes to my friends. Well there are some that I know I have done so much for and then later feel like I am not one that they think about when times are good. But again... oh well. I don't do those things to be rewarded. I do those things because that is who I am. Even if they don't notice, I do and those that love me know this as well. The reality is that I would do it all over again the same way. Plus there is a good feeling knowing that when times are tough they feel as though I am the one to help make it right... maybe they know it is my strength for them and it is needed at that time.

The important thing is that I continue to be who I am. That I am loved by someone that is so special to me... a part of me in many ways. We have something that I know others don't understand and that is pretty special. I have two crazy, unique, and loving kids who have more personality than some variety shows on TV have laughs. I have the support of some very important people who love me for who I am not who they think I should be.

I am truly blessed.

My Poor Hubby (cause he is married to a demanding geek)

2009-02-02T18:46:00.003-07:00

I love my honey sooooo very much. I love that it seems the longer we are together the more we think alike or even say the same stupid lines from movies and so forth. I love that he likes that I can be a total strange gal with all sorts of "what if" scenarios that he has to try to figure out the right thing to say... yes, that is right... I am one of those... "If I lost all of the hair on my body, would you make fun of me but still love me" ( I really asked him this question the other day). His answer was that he would buy me crazy wigs and draw all different type of emotional eyebrows on me from day-to-day.

I also always have crazy dreams when it comes to him. I dreamt last night that I found out after being married to him for all this time that he was actually a different person. He was royalty but wanted to make sure that I loved him for him, so he didn't tell me until he could trust me. He had a whole bunch of siblings and crazy stuff. I was so ticked in my dream I just walked away. I know, poor guy always is doing stuff in my dreams to tick me off. I guess it is because he doesn't do that in real life, most of the time anyway.

So my newest craziest demand.... okay will nagging request....LOL. I want a mixed tape, well actually a cd. I want him to make me a cd of songs that remind him of me, us, and so forth. I know I am such a dork....LOL. But I want something to play in my car and think... wow this makes him think of me. What it will be all songs about crazy chicks who drive a man to drink....LOL. But can I tell you that I am so excited!!!! He started on it today...LOL, so I keep asking him if it is done.... I think he may add some songs just to tick me off for bugging him.

But I am happy to return the favor... songs that remind me of him. But of course I am smart enough to see what he give me first. :)

Dessa Mae - Admin Assistant Extraorinaire.

2009-02-02T07:26:00.002-07:00

Well, miss Dessa has officially taken my previous job working for Troy. Congrat! She is nervous but it is because she under estimates herself. She is a good worker and is a quick learner. So she has nothing to worry about.

This was just my quick atta-girl for her today. You know you have help and resources so don't be scared to use them.

Going to court house and I'm gonna get ....

2009-01-29T07:12:00.003-07:00

Part of my job is that we go to court about 8 hours a week. I am nervous though because I usually go with one of my peers and watch and listen. I have never spoken to the court during proceedings about recommendations or evidence. But, my supervisor yesterday said that sounds like today is my lucky day. We have a full load of cases and are short a few PO due to vacation/illness. None of them will be my own cases but rather me covering other PO's cases. Ahhhhhh, so nervous! At least I have met the judges (and then they requested a page with our pictures and names shortly afterward so they could call on us/me). I have also met some of the prosecutors and defense attorneys but not even half I would say know who I am.

Thursdays are out heavy court days. We generally spend the afternoon in court or should I say courts. We courtroom hop more than a 21 year old bar hops on their b-day. Popping in and out of about 6 courtrooms seeing where each judge is on the docket. We stay if we know one of the cases we need to handle is next. Or we let the attorney's know we will be back and maybe they will ask to skip it until we are present. People in the courtroom get wide-eyed because we are walking in and out with our badges on.

I really do enjoy it. I like going and listening to people and even their lawyers who are trying to minimize everything they got caught for. "Yeah, he/she was very over the limit intoxicated and almost hit two people on the sidewalk, but they really learned their lesson and no one was in fact hurt..." LOL. Oh, Okay then no harm. Well other than the mailbox or two they took out and the fact the people who jumped out of the way suffered a near heart attack.

Honestly though I do know why the lawyers are doing what they do. After all they are doing their job and giving the best defense. The best is to aim high so that when they get something it does not sound so giving. I will honestly say that some of the ones (both defense and prosecutors) are very good at what they do and if I ever needed to use them I would feel cared about.

The judges are impressive too. Some have that total awe affect on the courtroom where everyone is nervous and knows they need to be respectful. I am not saying they are mean or anything, but that their presence and way they handle things makes you respect them.

The people though.... wow! Here is some common sense that I guess people need to hear. When you are going to court look presentable. Bathe, wear clean clothes, comb your hair, and look like you are not stoned or drunk. People show up in sweats, pj bottoms, clothes that look as though they were in a pile on the floor of their room. Guys come in thinking they have it handled by wearing a hat. You cannot wear hats in the courtroom so when it comes off they look even worse. Take five minutes and make yourself look normal. I know the way a person looks should not affect anything but I guess to me it shows such a lack of respect for the court and themselves. But, at least it is entertaining.

Pray for me around 1:30 ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Men and Women; Boys and Girls

2009-01-27T07:26:00.003-07:00

I find it so interesting to see how different the opposite sex handles things or even thinks about things. Don't get me wrong in many situations it is good to have opposites to complement each other.

I just think it makes so many things so mysterious. Maybe that is an allure. I know that Sean looks at things differently than I do. I guess it is good because at the very least he seems to claim he understands where I am coming from. I can see his point of view as well, but it is after he says things. I am talking about emotional moments, jealousy, memories, and so forth.

I think that because of some of the boys I grew up with I had a different take on guys and what they do or talk about. You see, I was a tomboy growing up. I got along more with boys than girls (with the exception of a few special gals) and have always been able to strike a conversation with guys much easier. This was never a problem until I started really looking like a girl. Then the other girls thought I was just trying to get all the boys attention. LOL, the funny thing is that I always figured that those girls were so much better in many ways than me that I looked at them as a threat... us gals.

But the boys I grew up with and around talked to me about everything. I mean when they were married they would talk very openly with me about issues or frustrations they had with their wives. They knew I would never tell or whatever. So I guess I thought that other guys talked to guys about the same stuff. Turns out I was wrong. I thought that Sean was just quiet or didn't know what to say to me. But, I guess I just figured out that maybe those boys I grew up with talked to me like that because I was in fact a girl and they would not have talked to their guy friends about the same sort of stuff.

So I guess I still find it a mystery as to what goes on in their heads. You know what they share with others and what they would if they felt they could. Us gals we are pretty open. Yes, even with each other!

Music Is A Time Machine

2009-01-24T17:26:00.002-07:00

So I finally decided to get a song list on my page. If it is annoying well then turn it off... :)

It is funny because as I was going through the songs I was amazed at how these songs all took me back to different times in my life or at least made me think of different people. Even if things have changed so much that you don't feel like the same person from that time, the sound and the words bring back such a huge emotion inside.

Right now I am listening to "Beauty and The Beast" by Stevie Nicks as I am writing this. I have a huge heaviness in my heart. This was a song that I played over and over again after my first real heart-breaking break-up. Believe me, I am very happy I am not with that man.... I would have never been happy or the person I am today. Sean is the only one that could ever love me the way I need to be loved. I don't think, no, I know I have never loved anyone the way I love him. However, the song still hits me in a spot...

It is like a time warp. I can see vividly things in my head as the songs play. I know that this happens to everyone. Certain songs will take us back to a place in our mind that we have never thought about for a long time. Like the song by the Bloodhound Gang called "The Roof is on Fire" (which due to a lot of bad language and stuff is not on my play list) makes me remember closing at Target in electronics laughing my butt of with Jon Peters. My very favorite memory of him. Different songs that I used to play when Aubree was born make me see her as a baby. Old country songs take me back to when my family used to get together to play guitars and attempt to sing.

Other songs just stir up the emotions. There are songs that are exclusive to my thoughts and feelings for Sean that I am sure he would wonder why those particular songs represent him in my mind.

Of all the songs on my play list one that seems to sum up everything. It is strange because I actually had a dream the other night where this was playing. It is not a song that many people are familiar with. The artist is Judy Collins, which will always remind me of my mother because she used to sing all of her songs and did such a great job. The song "In My Life" which talks about her past and how much the people and places meant to her. Even though her past is looked back on fondly, the person she is in love with now is more than anything she had. I think it is true because your love, hurt, good, bad, gains, loses and so forth make you who you are. Later you will look back at them with different eyes, but usually the same feelings. However, I look at the ones in my life now and know this is where I wanted and dreamed of being. I love them all more.... especially my kids and my Sean.

Wrap her in rubber and bounce her around?????

2009-01-20T07:01:00.004-07:00

When I was younger my parents always said that they were going to wrap me in rubber. The reason being was that I tended to break arms, finger, toes, and whatever pretty easily. I do feel bad because comparatively I was a whole lot more expensive than my sister growing up due to all the illness and stuff. However, I guess it was my way of getting back of all the hand-me-downs I got until I turned 15 (then I got taller than my sister and needed longer pants... ).

My daughter has decided that since she doesn't really look like me that this breakable trait is her way of proving that she is in fact my daughter. In first grade, she was playing on the swing set in our backyard and fell off. She didn't really cry but looked pale. I looked at her arms (as did my grandma and mom) and thought maybe she sprained one. I sent her to school the next day w/ a note saying she could not do PE. Later that day after work I looked again at her arm and decided to take her in. Well she had broken BOTH arms.

In third grade, my daughter was at my parent's house messing around in the kitchen. You know sliding with your socks on like you are ice skating... (we have all done it). She again fell. My parents thought she may have strained it. Seeing how Aubree kept saying she was okay and did not cry we thought maybe it was okay. I decided the next day to take her into the hospital. Yep, it was broken.

So last week, I get a call from my daughter at home telling me that she can't do her chores because her arm hurts too much. I sighed and asked what happened. She said she was okay just hurt it on the playground. She did not tell anyone at the school because they had a field trip that day and she did not want to miss out. I then got a call from my sister saying that Aubree had hurt her arm at school and was walking funny so that she would not swing it or move it.

This time I thought I would be proactive and instead of waiting a day I would take her in. So as soon as I got home from work we jumped in the car and went to the clinic. Her face was purple from where she hit the ice on the playground and it was her shoulder that was bothering her. Guess what.... nope it was not broke. See even you thought for sure that this child is breaking things every two years so it most likely. Instead she pulled and strained the muscles around her shoulder and rotator cuff. The doctor kept saying that Aubree did not seem to be in a lot of pain. How, do you explain that every other time she has said she was okay she had broken her arm... so better safe than sorry right.

Now I have decided that I should wrap her in rubber. But, I want to do so to bounce her around. She is fighting me tooth and nail on wearing her sling. She did not do so at her dad's this weekend even though both the doctor and I said she needed to. She winces whenever she uses it so it is not like it is all better. I just want to knock some sense into her... but I may end up breaking something. Therefore, rubber it is... Just kidding.

Money, Money, Money

2009-01-19T11:29:00.003-07:00

I am sitting here listening to my hubby talk about how much everything has gone up.... Boy has it. Yesterday, I sat down and entered our expenses in a software that is on our computer. It is really cool because it allows us to see exactly where our money has been going. The print out is very informative, plus is good to help us do our taxes.

We would be rich if we just quit eating and paying utilities. LOL. It is amazing how much stuff adds up. Certain bills seemed to climb every month, such as cable or phone. It is nice that gas finally went down a while back. However, it seems like everything else that went up, due to the gas prices, has not gone down yet. The cost of food and clothes is scary. I am such a bargain shopper; yes, some even say that I can be cheap. I love clearance and have learned from working retail that it is well worth it. However, it seems that even the clearance is expensive because the original prices where way up there..... yep, there goes the cheap side of me thinking again.

I am truly scared for many people. Sean and I went through a very scary time with his work. Fortunately he was not laid-off but demoted. This was shocking to our pocket book. Thankfully, I got another job that pays better and has excellent benefits. No, we are still not making what we were before, but we both have learned to spend less and think more.

Now I have a handful of friends though that have been laid off. I am truly scared for them. My dad is an HR manager and says he feels like he is the grim reaper due to people avoiding and cringing when he come around. For all those that are in this predicament, please know you are in my prayers. I do think about you even though I may not see you or talk with you very much. I am trying to brainstorm ways that I and others can be the support system that seems to be needed. So if anyone has any thoughts.... pass them along.

I do think that we need to have a get together where we just laugh and not have to think about things. That may be the only thing I am good at. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I will have to put some stuff in the works.

Much love!

To Tell or Not To Tell... hmm (what do you think)

2009-01-09T07:13:00.004-07:00

Well anyone that knows me for more than a bit knows that my family is very special and unique. No, not Sean... LOL he is just special to me. I am talking about my parents and their whole cousin thing.

I was talking the other day with a new fellow officer when our families came up. She is from the same area that my dad was raised in (Gooding and Jerome). So we were talking about our families. So of course the question comes up "where is your mom from?" Well my mom was born in Boise, ID but grew up mostly in New York and Illinois. So the logical questions is "how did your parents meet? College?"

Hmmm, do I dare say well family gatherings or reunions? I guess I could say that one of their cousins introduced them or even their aunts. How do people really look at me when I tell them that my parents are indeed first cousins? Not once removed or by adoption or step. But that my dad's dad and my mom's mom are brother and sister.

To be honest it does not bother me in the least. I mean I guess it is because every since I was born I have known and really did not know that some people were grossed out by it until I was older. It has always been a joke in our family. The quiet athlete country boy from Gooding hooking up with the loud ornery city cousin. All of my cousins (yes that includes my parents and aunts / uncles) just tease me and my sister but in a very proud way. Like that we are twice the relative that they are and so forth. Royalty or cattle breeding are the two most known forms of inbreeding to keep the bloodlines going. So which does that make me?

So any way I told her. I mean after all I plan on working there for a long time... (hopefully). The thing is that usually when I tell people it is either people that I know well or at least I feel well established in my position. Meaning that they know I am not a totally freak (well in a negative way) and can function as a human (meaning that they won't have to wipe me in the potty room).

So I guess that I am asking all of you what your reactions were when you heard it. My peer at work took it rather well (although I think she needed time alone to process it...LOL). But as a person who has never had the shock or the "what what" moment I guess I wonder what the different reactions are....

So if you don't mind either comment away or email me....

Lisa

Crazy Dreams

2009-01-08T07:12:00.003-07:00

Do you every have dreams that make so much sense when you are in them, but later you are so taken back by them? I do all the time..... I think when I try to explain them to my husband I completely lose him.

The funny thing is that I tend to fight with my husband in my dreams. See we don't hardly ever fight. Well, even then we don't argue it is more like we just stop talking. But in my dreams he is such a meaning and very demanding. So crazy.... Anyone that knows him, knows he is not even like that in real life.

My sister has some crazy things happen in her dreams too. Wonder if it is because our parents are cousins! I knew that beyond my broken mind there was some additional side effects to inbreeding. Anyway when she is really stressed in real life she will have dreams that she is smoking. My sister has never smoked anything in real life. So I find this really funny that it is her stress relief in dream world. She also will dream about movies stars but my favorite is the one when she was married to Peter Sellers (the original Pink Panther in the movies).

Last night part of my dream was that I fell asleep under a tree and woke up surrounded by people I have not seen since high school or jr high. The thing was that I had my badge (yes I have an actual badge as an officer) around my neck and they were all really upset that I was a probation officer. I even remember that one of the girls I went to school with that was a very good girl and preppy was there. She looked greasy and like a meth user. Wow, it was creepy.

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you all. Dreams are crazzzzzzzyyyy.

Rambling of my tired mind.....

2009-01-07T07:12:00.002-07:00

Well as I am doing more things on my job I find that I do like it a lot. It is interesting, challenging, and well sometimes inspiring. So thanks for all the support from all of my well wishers (even my hubby that makes fun of my spelling....:))

There is a lot of personal stuff that is building up so I am going to write it so it is out of my head. I woke-up at 3am this morning and had to read until a bit after 4am. I did not think that I was thinking of stuff but this morning it all kind of hit me in the shower.

First, my grandfather has just recently found that he has a heart condition. No, let me restate that. He had a heart condition since birth, but now that he is 65 it is a scary condition. His valves are not working and one is even back flowing the blood to his heart. I have not really spoken to him about this, nor my mom who seems to be on her way to speaking to me again. Rather, I have talked with my dad and sister. So I need to call and see how he is doing as well as how my grandma is coping. I just don't feel close to them. I have never been close to any of my grandfathers (all three, one is a step). It makes me really sad.

My mother's real dad is mentally ill and well physically ill as well. I just recently have been back in contact with him (I had not spoken to him since I was about 17). My mom and him do not speak and have not since I was a teenager. He called my house 6 times the other day. I ended up calling him the next day. It just feels so distant.

My dad's father has never really been there for me. He missed mile stones in my life (graduation, wedding reception... ect.) but has made it to many of my cousin's instead. He remarried when I was 4 and seemed to kind of leave our family behind. Granted my dad, as the oldest, was taking care of my broken hearted grandma. Still it bugs me.

Now, the grandfather that has been most consistant in my life (my mom's step-dad) is sick. We were close when I was younger. Now it seems that he kind of tolerates us. We tend to run out of things to talk about in less than a half hour. Whereas my grandma could talk for days.

I guess it hit me that all of this really does bother me. Not just because of them and how they act. But also because I allowed it to happen. I did not stand-up and say, hey remember me... I am your 2nd or 3rd (depending on which side) grandchild. I have always been there when you were in the hospital. I also have let myself feel okay or justified in not keeping contact. I guess I am wondering what that says about me as a person. I am afraid that if I don't do something about it soon... it will be too late. All three of them are not in good health. hmmm sounds like I have some phone calls to do....

Character

2009-01-02T07:14:00.003-07:00

So in efforts to decorate my office in a manner that represents me and also is up building to others I went in search of art or pictures. First, I found that I have great taste, meaning expensive taste...LOL. Wow, I really was shocked. You can tell how much I shop or at least for home decor. Second, I found that a lot of things did not speak to me or I guess for me.

The result was me creating my own motivational picture. Any of you that know me know two things for sure. I am NOT crafty or artistic (so the very sentence above is shocking you to the core). Second, I love things in black and white... every now and then with reds or browns.

So to put your mind at ease on the artistic manner.... there is a place on the web you can go to create your own motivational posters. You know the ones; you have seen them everywhere. They say Endurance and then a small sentence or two below a picture of a person in a race or whatnot. You get to upload any one of your personal pictures for the poster. Now, no I did not put a big picture of me looking goofy, although that would have been funny, but remember that I have to command some respect with the people on my caseload. Instead I found (or rather Sean) a picture on the Internet of a what looks like reference books in a library but taken in black and white at an angle. Trust me I think it looks cool.

So now came the writing part. I choose the theme "Character." I know that there are some of you that have heard me say this next part. I had it said to me when I was in my late teens and it stuck with me. It made an impact in my life even when maybe I did not think it did.

"A misstep in your life does not define who your are. However, what you do afterwards will speak volumns about you."

Meaning that because a person makes a bad choice or mistake in life does not mean that is who they are going to be. But, what they do after they realize it will tell others so much about them. If they own it, learn from it, try to fix it, or are even truly sorry will mean that they are a person who will not repeat it or try very hard to stop doing those type of things. However, a person that laughs at it, does not take responsibility for it, or other such things will not learn from it nor really change. We are all in control of who we are. We are all one decision away from doing something we regret. Therefore, for us to feel superior to those that have made that bad decision and truly feel bad about it is ridiculous.

So tell me what you think... I am excited that it is coming.

People are so frustrating!!!!!

2008-12-26T18:57:00.003-07:00

I really dislike it when people ASSUME things and hate it when they feel that their assumptions mean they know better than other people; resulting the person rubbing their assumptions and attitude in other people's faces. (Wow that was a really long wordy sentence... can you tell I am venting).

I know that reality is that we all assume things in our lives. Our minds tend to pull up the closest thing that it can recognize and link objects together. If I said I was thinking about a flying cow some may assume that it was the one that jumped over the moon or that the cow had wings (most likely they would assume I need to check on my meds). Well what if I was reliving the scene from Twister with the cow flying due to the tornado. Don't assume that we know what something is because of first comes to mind.

In fact, today at work another officer gave a great example. He talked about when he used give presentations and speeches to classes he would begin with an example. "You are a detective, you arrive at the scene to find Mary dead on the floor, John asleep on the couch, and water on the floor." He then instructs the people to ask him questions but they can only be answered yes or no. So I asked, did John kill Mary? Yes, he caused her death. Is John intoxicated? No. Is there a weapon arround the scene? No. Did Mary hit her head? No. Is Mary's cause of death natural? No. ect.......

We finally giving up he tells me that Mary is a goldfish and John is a cat. John jumped on the table which caused the fish bowl to fall on the ground and Mary to spill out. She died due to the air and John took a cat nap. Now, as did everyone before me, I ASSUMED that Mary and John were people. I was jumping to a conclusion before I even knew the facts. We tend to do that and label things. (I also assumed that John was a drunk because he was found asleep).

I now have people that assume that they know what certain book, movies, and so forth are. They are condeming them before they even know the facts. I guess the thing that really frustrates me is that they then take this ASSUMPTION and get in other people's faces about what they are watching or reading. I have no problem with people who have a different line of conscience and do not want to watch, read, listen, ect to certain things. However, do not jump me or my friends because of how you feel. Even things that I hear negative things about (such as one movie that I did not want to see but it was a kid's movie) I research various, not just one, websites and blurbs to figure it out. At least then later I can give solid reasons... not assumptions, on why I don't want my kids or myself to see the movie. Even then I am not going to throw a hissy fit if others own it or like it as well.

We were all created with free will. This is not to say that we can do whatever we want and never face consequences. Rather, this means that when things come to principle, not biblical law, we have our conscience to guide us. We each answer for our decisions. There are consequences (good and bad) for our actions, but it is not up to others to impose what they feel those consequences are or will be. It is one thing to tell people how you personnally feel or view things and quite another to tell them they are bad or ungodly for doing them. I guess I want to say that these people need to be careful about pointing fingers and realize that there may be a rafter in their eyes where they see a straw in others. Maybe my rafter is when other assume I get upset... ut oh.

Can't we all just try to support each other with love when things around us are so tough. Pray for each other not tear each other down. Just my rant and frustrations for the day (or a few weeks if you count other people making snide comments lately).

A thought

2008-12-26T07:17:00.002-07:00

I was actually thinking about the title of my blog "Keeping up with life." I was going to change it but then really thought about it. Doesn't it seem like life sometimes passes us by. That we are trying to keep up and not fall behind. It is funny because it is not like we are not living but rather I think at times we go on cruise control due to over activity or stress.

I look at my kids and realize how much they are growing. It seems like yesterday I had a toddler baby girl who now resembles a teenager more than a child. My son is still short so I think of him as little but then at times the things he says or does make me realize how much he is growing too.

I have friends that are going through some terrible times right now. Some are going to be without jobs, others have taken real hits in the income areas in other ways, one who faces her mothers illness and all that it may entail. I hope that they realize that every minute of every day I do think and pray for them. I understand if they feel like life is needed to be spent on cruise control. However, I hope that with love and support that they also realize not to let some things pass them by, especially precious time.

To all of those right now who are struggling... I am so sorry. I also think that you are all very special and unique. I hope that I can help in some way... just let me know. But I think the biggest thing is that every night before we sleep try to think of something that made you smile, laugh, glow, or just feel good. That is holding on to life and the moments it brings.

That is it for my deep thoughts.... LOL.

Much Love

First Day!!

2008-12-22T18:52:00.003-07:00

I was so nervous last night that I really did not sleep... tossing and turning... staring at the clock. Both my husband and I got up waaaayyyyy before the alarm was set to go off. I think this is partly because the snowfall and fear the of the roads. My hubby was super sweet and drove me to work in my car. Really he hates driving his car in this weather, but still he could have told me to drive his since he had to go further. There is something nice about being able to relax on your way to the first day of a new job.

This morning I kept having thoughts like, "what if I don't belong here," "what am I going to do and will I be good at it," and "I hope they like me." I totally felt like a kid moving to a new school. Hoping to fit in and not make a complete fool out of myself. Heck, I don't even have my badge to get in yet. I was at the mercy of other people all day. In fact, when I first got there I ended up waiting and chatting with someone that was there to meet their probation officer. He was really nice though.

Well I have to say that I did like my first day at work. It is always hard to go into a place and really not know anyone or really have an idea as to what you will be doing. It was a typical Monday, meaning that it seemed like computers and other electronics did not want to work with or for me. But I was able to laugh it off. My co-workers were really nice. They gave me space and time to do things but at the same time I did not feel neglected. I met some very interesting people... though I cannot disclose anything. LOL.. it is fun to feel like you have a secret.

My day went rather quick. I felt like I had only been there for half a day when all the sudden it was time to go. I know that the days to come will not seem that way to me. I am super excited that I get to decorate my office. So any really good ideas for a long skinny office is open for discussion. Actually my boss put that in my schedule for next week... time for Lisa to rearrange her office. LOL. I think that is wonderful.

However, please know that I missed Dessa.... I wished she was there with me... so I was happy that we got to text back and forth for a few minutes.

I have to say that I think that my boss and my boss's boss will get along great with me. We seem to have the same sort of goals. I guess time will tell.

I wanna be just like Dessa...LOL

2008-12-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

So I do kind of like this Blogging thing... even if no one other than Dessa reads it. I think I like to read myself talking...LOL.

But after messing around with my blog for a while I was frustrated and wanted more freedom.... So I decided to relocate my blog to this site instead of on the Sosblog.com. I think that I will get to play around with it some more. I figured it was better to move it right now when I had only written two things.

The only thing that stinks is that my comments from the lovely Dessa are going to be lost. But I know that Dessa will post here..... LOL.

I will be deleting my other blog later this week. Wow look at me I have two now... LOL.

It is my first day at work... new job. Wish me luck and pray I don't fall on my butt.

I Am Iron Man

2008-12-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

Kids, kids, kids!!!I love kids... Honestly they give you a ton of headaches and can be very frustrating. But there is no other thing that can give you such smiles and laughs. My kids are fun. They have soooooo much personality. However, this time I am writing about my nephew.

His parents (my sister and brother-in-law) are both big music buffs. They listen to about everything. They are huge fans of older heavy metal...LOL. So even before the Iron Man movie came out my nephew knew the "I am Iron Man nanananan" or however it really goes. Anyway the release of the movie and the playing of that song on commercials made it more popular with him. He sings it all the time. When he is playing, walking, thinking, and it would not surprise me if he did it while using the restroom.

Anyway he is in first grade and my sister went to parent/teacher conferences to meet his teacher. The teacher told my sister that she loves that he sings that song all the time. I guess he sings it every time he has to walk up to the front of the class!!!! LOL. The funny thing is that he changes the words but keeps the tune to make it fit any situation. For example, "I love mom and dad, na na na nanana" "I am (insert words including his full name at times)." Truly it cracks me up. In fact, it has made such an impression that my husband and I sing it with my nephew's name whenever we hear the song (including when we watched the movie).

Today was a day that the first graders in his school were able to wear pjs and bring blankets/pillows to school to watch Polar Express. My sister had been looking everywhere for an Iron Man blanket/throw for him to take but could not find them anywhere. He has the Iron Man pjs (I know shocker). I happened upon an Iron Man throw yesterday when I was shopping.... it was in a strange place and in a store I would not have thought it to be. But I found it. I guess he was so excited about having it and being able to take it to school. My sister said that last night he laid the blanket out and practiced laying the way the pose on the blanket was. LOL.... This morning he came by to show me his pjs and blanket.

He was so cute about it that I keep smiling as I think about his face. I wish I had taken a picture. After all he is Iron Man.

This is for Dessa

2008-12-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is for you Dessa!!!

Well, upon request and harrassment (just kidding) from Dessa I decided to open a blog. Who knows maybe it will help me to work through stuff and feel connected.

I currently left my job of a little over 2 years to become a Misdemeanor Probation Officer. I begin next monday, December 22nd. I am all kinds of nervous. But it is what I want to do. I want to help people make better lives and decisions. Now I am not blind and think that a majority are going to be thankful or even cooperative. I know most will not like me and hate every second they have to see me. But I just have to keep in mind that maybe some of them will learn and it could have a ripple affect on others in their life. My life in general seems to be changing so much.

My husband (who is the love of my life and best thing that could happen to me) is going back to school and working a totally different shift. My kids are growing up faster than I remembered possible. My friends have changed in the way that some old long-time friends are not people that I want to be around and then there are new people in my life that fill spots I didn't know I needed filled. It makes me think of the email that does go around about how some people are in your life for a reason, season, or forever. I think too that I tend to rotate some... not cause I don't love them all the time but that as life changes some make more sense to be around where as others are not on the same page.

My parents are very loving and wonderful people. I love them so much. However, they are very controlling and feel that they ALWAYS know better. They use the fact that I have kids as an excuse to tell me what I need to do because of the children's lives. LOL, you would think I am a real deadbeat parent the way they talk and act sometimes. However, I know I am a good mom and my kids love me. I also know that my parents are like that with anyone that will give them an inch. Currently I am taking back a bunch of inches that they have acquired over the years and this is very stressful. I do love my parents and am thankful for what they do. However, my family feels it when they try to take over. So as of this week I had it out with my Father and it went very poorly. My mother is not talking to me and making a point of letting others see her as a wounded person. So I have a feeling that I may be venting on this blog just to get it off my chest.

Well that is all I have to write about now. I hope I am interesting and not boring... if so blame Dessa.