Rambling of my tired mind.....

Well as I am doing more things on my job I find that I do like it a lot. It is interesting, challenging, and well sometimes inspiring. So thanks for all the support from all of my well wishers (even my hubby that makes fun of my spelling....:))

There is a lot of personal stuff that is building up so I am going to write it so it is out of my head. I woke-up at 3am this morning and had to read until a bit after 4am. I did not think that I was thinking of stuff but this morning it all kind of hit me in the shower.

First, my grandfather has just recently found that he has a heart condition. No, let me restate that. He had a heart condition since birth, but now that he is 65 it is a scary condition. His valves are not working and one is even back flowing the blood to his heart. I have not really spoken to him about this, nor my mom who seems to be on her way to speaking to me again. Rather, I have talked with my dad and sister. So I need to call and see how he is doing as well as how my grandma is coping. I just don't feel close to them. I have never been close to any of my grandfathers (all three, one is a step). It makes me really sad.

My mother's real dad is mentally ill and well physically ill as well. I just recently have been back in contact with him (I had not spoken to him since I was about 17). My mom and him do not speak and have not since I was a teenager. He called my house 6 times the other day. I ended up calling him the next day. It just feels so distant.

My dad's father has never really been there for me. He missed mile stones in my life (graduation, wedding reception... ect.) but has made it to many of my cousin's instead. He remarried when I was 4 and seemed to kind of leave our family behind. Granted my dad, as the oldest, was taking care of my broken hearted grandma. Still it bugs me.

Now, the grandfather that has been most consistant in my life (my mom's step-dad) is sick. We were close when I was younger. Now it seems that he kind of tolerates us. We tend to run out of things to talk about in less than a half hour. Whereas my grandma could talk for days.

I guess it hit me that all of this really does bother me. Not just because of them and how they act. But also because I allowed it to happen. I did not stand-up and say, hey remember me... I am your 2nd or 3rd (depending on which side) grandchild. I have always been there when you were in the hospital. I also have let myself feel okay or justified in not keeping contact. I guess I am wondering what that says about me as a person. I am afraid that if I don't do something about it soon... it will be too late. All three of them are not in good health. hmmm sounds like I have some phone calls to do....