Well it has been a while and I have actually had a few requests to update this thing...LOL. So I am trying to figure out what to write. I don't want it to be negative and venting.. I think that was what my last two were like. Life has it's stresses and although it is all "normal" to a degree I have shared enough with some of my closer friends lately that it is being dealt with.
So what is going on that is interesting. I have found that I really do love what I do. Yeah, the politics can be a BIG pain, but whatever. I really wish I could share some stuff but well can't be very specific. I do know that I think I would make a horrible police officer on patrol. When I read the police reports I find that I am either just really irritated or laughing. There was one report that I was laughing sooooo hard I was actually crying. It was a mixture of the sarcasm of the officer and the stupidity of the person (who was currently on my caseload so I visualize him). It is interesting how well people will stick to their stories even after they realize there is nooooo way that they could be true.
I have also heard some real interesting stories as to why people use drugs. I have a hard time not laughing at the person sitting across from me. I do have to give them credit, most hardcore addicts are very inventive.
I have been told by more than one of my clients that I tend to smile really big (annoyingly) when I know they are lying or am ready to have a good come back for what they are saying. I think I will strive for the type of service that puts them in jail with a smile. That is pretty different and memorable. Hey, I think I just found my new motto... a new take on service with a smile.
I am also happy that Sean is 30. This is just plain selfish on my part....LOL. But the fact I was in my 30's and he was in his 20's for some reason really bugged me. I know, I know we are not the far apart in age but the gap sounds bigger when the first number doesn't match.
I know this has not been my most entertaining post. What do you expect... I couldn't sleep due to some serious things on my mind so I did give it a good shot. Maybe the next one will be better.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Exhaling and letting it all out
Ahhh spring is in the air, along with wind, snow, rain, and ice. I am going to be 32... ugh. I know to some that is not old or anything to worry about. Honestly it is just another day but I always find this time of year so hard for me. I become reflective....
April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.
Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.
You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.
The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.
Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.
Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.
April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.
Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.
You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.
The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.
Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.
Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Headaches... great!
So I have had a headache since like the end of January. It has gotten a bit better and now lately soooooo much worse. I finally could not take it anymore. I went to the doctor yesterday after work. I mean here I am talking to people holding my head, pulling my hair, or getting lost in my own thoughts cause my head is ready to just explode or fall off.
So we go in and the doctor thinks they are tension headaches that are so bad because I let them go on for so long. In my defense I used to get migraines that would subside in about a week if I stuck them out. I have had horrible headaches for as long as I can remember, even when I was really little and my mom would turn out the lights and have me listen to classical music.
The thing is that I really dreaded telling my parents who had my kids what the doctor said. Reason being that I feel as though they think that I can't handle this new job. Reality is that I love my new job! It is just everything that has been going on in the mean time.
Yes, it is stressful learning a new job and dealing with other people who really don't want to see you (well except for the small few that get sad when I tell them they are done and they still want to come see me). But lets review all the other things that have been going on. I went to the eye doctor in February and he freaked me out by telling me there was a higher chance than not that I had cancer in my eye. After waiting two to three weeks that turned out to be nothing and the eye doctor was just as relieved as me. Yeah, that was stressful. My daughter is becoming quite the moody teenager and we have frustration with the whole "I do my homework, but just don't bother to turn it in is why I have an F in that class" episodes that are reoccurring. Dylan being sick and getting the flu. Parenting is stressful. The whole "what the heck is going on at Micron issues" with Sean facing the layoff. Now, honestly I am doing well with it realizing it is what it is and there is nothing we can do but keep moving forward. Then life in general with watching loved ones go through stuff and feeling for them.
I am doing much better at handling these things than I used to. No crying, blowing up, and so on. I have been like "well whatever." So maybe my new approach has just settles in my neck and head as my new way of dealing with it.
So now on top of some new meds for a while, I have to go to physical therapy to get this under control. One way or another I will have to fit it in my really full schedule. But, yeah I'm not stressing about it. LOL
So we go in and the doctor thinks they are tension headaches that are so bad because I let them go on for so long. In my defense I used to get migraines that would subside in about a week if I stuck them out. I have had horrible headaches for as long as I can remember, even when I was really little and my mom would turn out the lights and have me listen to classical music.
The thing is that I really dreaded telling my parents who had my kids what the doctor said. Reason being that I feel as though they think that I can't handle this new job. Reality is that I love my new job! It is just everything that has been going on in the mean time.
Yes, it is stressful learning a new job and dealing with other people who really don't want to see you (well except for the small few that get sad when I tell them they are done and they still want to come see me). But lets review all the other things that have been going on. I went to the eye doctor in February and he freaked me out by telling me there was a higher chance than not that I had cancer in my eye. After waiting two to three weeks that turned out to be nothing and the eye doctor was just as relieved as me. Yeah, that was stressful. My daughter is becoming quite the moody teenager and we have frustration with the whole "I do my homework, but just don't bother to turn it in is why I have an F in that class" episodes that are reoccurring. Dylan being sick and getting the flu. Parenting is stressful. The whole "what the heck is going on at Micron issues" with Sean facing the layoff. Now, honestly I am doing well with it realizing it is what it is and there is nothing we can do but keep moving forward. Then life in general with watching loved ones go through stuff and feeling for them.
I am doing much better at handling these things than I used to. No crying, blowing up, and so on. I have been like "well whatever." So maybe my new approach has just settles in my neck and head as my new way of dealing with it.
So now on top of some new meds for a while, I have to go to physical therapy to get this under control. One way or another I will have to fit it in my really full schedule. But, yeah I'm not stressing about it. LOL
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wow, where have I been?
So I guess it have not written for a while. I swear I get started on something and then get addicted and forget all the other stuff. My husband got a facebook page. Well then so did I. What I love is that I have 10 of my cousins on there. One I have not seen since I was 12 or 13 that lives in New Jersey. It has been fun chatting with him and learning about him. I also get to tease my cousins in California and get to see what they have going on. I adore my cousin Josh because he just is fun and loves to be different.
My husband took me to an Opera for our anniversary. It was great! Mozart was the composer but it was one of his comedies. The cast and singers were wonderful both acting and singing. Yes, it was sung in Italian (I believe) but with subtitles projected above. They modernized the set and props so it was easy to follow and laugh. It was funny to see that some people dressed up like a black tie affair and some were in jeans and t-shirts. It was at the Egyptian Theater so I wondered if some people wanted to go to a movie and then realized that an Opera was playing. But it was way more expensive than a movie...lol. Sean and I dressed up nice. Afterall we were on a date. :)
My son Dylan is wayyyyyyyy toooooooo smart. He amazes me when he does his homework how little help he needs and fast he catches on. Yesterday, I just kind of ran the timer on his reading but he did all the worksheets by himself quick as lightnight and right.
Aubree is my kid I have to fight her to do her homework. She is smart and creative as well. But I think that creativity makes her think that she can create a way out of doing her homework. :) She is also smarter than she lets on because she thinks that she will have someone do most of the work if she acts like she just doesn't get it. She forgets I am her mom... and I had an older sister the exact same way. Funny how things are passed on. I swear she is a clone of my sister some times.
My husband took me to an Opera for our anniversary. It was great! Mozart was the composer but it was one of his comedies. The cast and singers were wonderful both acting and singing. Yes, it was sung in Italian (I believe) but with subtitles projected above. They modernized the set and props so it was easy to follow and laugh. It was funny to see that some people dressed up like a black tie affair and some were in jeans and t-shirts. It was at the Egyptian Theater so I wondered if some people wanted to go to a movie and then realized that an Opera was playing. But it was way more expensive than a movie...lol. Sean and I dressed up nice. Afterall we were on a date. :)
My son Dylan is wayyyyyyyy toooooooo smart. He amazes me when he does his homework how little help he needs and fast he catches on. Yesterday, I just kind of ran the timer on his reading but he did all the worksheets by himself quick as lightnight and right.
Aubree is my kid I have to fight her to do her homework. She is smart and creative as well. But I think that creativity makes her think that she can create a way out of doing her homework. :) She is also smarter than she lets on because she thinks that she will have someone do most of the work if she acts like she just doesn't get it. She forgets I am her mom... and I had an older sister the exact same way. Funny how things are passed on. I swear she is a clone of my sister some times.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Am speechless...
Funny thing... my brain seems to be shutting down and I can't think. I think (yeah I just said that) it is because I have continuing education and I feel like I am in my school mode again. No room for thoughts must absorb information.
I really like the information that we are learning in our classes. I think that it is kind of my personality to do the things that we are learning in how to deal with people. The crazy thing is that because I am the newest P.O. and am there with the two senior P.O. I think I am that much more nervous. Not that either of them are mean or anything, but I guess I feel like I have to prove myself to some degree. I notice yesterday when it was my time to try the exercise and they were grading me my nerves took over. I was over thinking everything and in my head I was like "what am I doing" and "slow down." Ugh... it is hard to do something when you feel so unnatural because of the situation. I mean having a conversation when you know others are looking at you to grade you is brutal.
Hopefully, I will do better today. I just need to not over think it.
I really like the information that we are learning in our classes. I think that it is kind of my personality to do the things that we are learning in how to deal with people. The crazy thing is that because I am the newest P.O. and am there with the two senior P.O. I think I am that much more nervous. Not that either of them are mean or anything, but I guess I feel like I have to prove myself to some degree. I notice yesterday when it was my time to try the exercise and they were grading me my nerves took over. I was over thinking everything and in my head I was like "what am I doing" and "slow down." Ugh... it is hard to do something when you feel so unnatural because of the situation. I mean having a conversation when you know others are looking at you to grade you is brutal.
Hopefully, I will do better today. I just need to not over think it.
Monday, February 23, 2009
My own worst enemy?!
A few nights ago Sean and I were laying in bed cuddling. He looked so lovingly at me but then I guess I had a strange look on my face. When he asked what I was thinking (he only asks when I have that "hmmmm" deep thought look on my face, so don't think he is like us girls that ask all the time) I had the strangest time explaining it.
My thought was that I love the fact and the way that he loves me. Okay, so that is a good thought, why the strange look? Because the whole reason that was on my mind was that I knew he loves me for me, not who or what he thinks I should be. Now I've lost you....
My broken mind is that I know that I am afraid of becoming thin again. What??? Why??? Isn't that the goal all women have?
Let me explain this insanity that I am trying to work through and have for the last few years that this has really dawned on me. When I was younger and thinner, I felt really lost and not as valued. You see the girls all thought that because I was bigger in the breast area and small in the waist that I was always trying to steal attention or boyfriends. This was even the reaction I got from people that have known me for a long time, I just change by losing a ton of weight and growing in the other area. My personality did not change but my body did and that was enough for everyone to judge me.
Then I look at my past boyfriends or loves. In many ways I was something to show off. Please don't think I am conceded... I am not saying it was my beauty but my body. I never really felt my feeling and thoughts were cherished. It was what they felt I could do for them. Now, I know that a few of them really did care, but not in the manner that made me feel secure enough that if I gained weight or changed that I was sure of their reaction. Maybe it would have been okay, but in my mind I will never know. I felt like a toy that they got bored with and so they would leave, later they would remember it and come back. Many of my relationships were that way - together, apart, together, apart, ect. until one of us just had it or something better came along for them to enjoy.
Heck even Aubree's dad says things to me like, "I tell people that when we hooked up you were a lot hotter..." Now I feel that I am something to be ashamed of. So you would think that I would want to be thin again.
However, I feel I have pretty good friends that like me for my personality. I have Sean who loves me for my inner and outer beauty. I guess on a subconscious level I feel that if things change physically for me that I will be viewed differently and not valued. I know that this is not true with Sean. I think sometimes I cheat him out of what he should have, a wife with a confident body image. I just have to get over this mental issue and quit panicking when I start to lose weight. I guess it will come with time.
Crazy huh????
My thought was that I love the fact and the way that he loves me. Okay, so that is a good thought, why the strange look? Because the whole reason that was on my mind was that I knew he loves me for me, not who or what he thinks I should be. Now I've lost you....
My broken mind is that I know that I am afraid of becoming thin again. What??? Why??? Isn't that the goal all women have?
Let me explain this insanity that I am trying to work through and have for the last few years that this has really dawned on me. When I was younger and thinner, I felt really lost and not as valued. You see the girls all thought that because I was bigger in the breast area and small in the waist that I was always trying to steal attention or boyfriends. This was even the reaction I got from people that have known me for a long time, I just change by losing a ton of weight and growing in the other area. My personality did not change but my body did and that was enough for everyone to judge me.
Then I look at my past boyfriends or loves. In many ways I was something to show off. Please don't think I am conceded... I am not saying it was my beauty but my body. I never really felt my feeling and thoughts were cherished. It was what they felt I could do for them. Now, I know that a few of them really did care, but not in the manner that made me feel secure enough that if I gained weight or changed that I was sure of their reaction. Maybe it would have been okay, but in my mind I will never know. I felt like a toy that they got bored with and so they would leave, later they would remember it and come back. Many of my relationships were that way - together, apart, together, apart, ect. until one of us just had it or something better came along for them to enjoy.
Heck even Aubree's dad says things to me like, "I tell people that when we hooked up you were a lot hotter..." Now I feel that I am something to be ashamed of. So you would think that I would want to be thin again.
However, I feel I have pretty good friends that like me for my personality. I have Sean who loves me for my inner and outer beauty. I guess on a subconscious level I feel that if things change physically for me that I will be viewed differently and not valued. I know that this is not true with Sean. I think sometimes I cheat him out of what he should have, a wife with a confident body image. I just have to get over this mental issue and quit panicking when I start to lose weight. I guess it will come with time.
Crazy huh????
Friday, February 20, 2009
Change....hmmmm.... Strange.
My wonderful husband has had this week off. The way he decided to use the bulk of his time is to scan pictures that we have had in boxes forever. This is an all day process because we have a gazillion pictures.
I think it is amazing how much I have changed in the last 15 years of my life. I think for girls it is discouraging but yet interesting. I know, I know, I know... I have had kids, illnesses, time, and all that stuff makes you age and well in my case bigger. However, even when I was younger I could look different by dying my hair or changing my make-up. I thought I would share some with you.
Now my husband's response last night when I commented on how cute I "used to be" (I know but when you had your skinny days...), was "babe, people don't look the same after 10 -15 years." He is the last person that should ever say that. He still has clothes from high school that he fits into. Yes, he may look young, but he did graduate over 10 years ago... check him out.
He looks pretty much the same. :)
Thanks for scanning them babe. I guess I will keep you guessing on who you will wake-up to the next day. LOL
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Body lanuage
So some of you know that I am strange and get on certain curiosity kicks. One of which was about handwriting analysis. I still think that this is fascinating how our brain gives us away when we write. Our arm is just the tool but our brain is reflecting our emotion and honesty with every stroke and space we have in our writing.
Now I am on a curiosity kick regarding body language. I think it is because again I want to see beyond the obviousness of verbal language. I deal with people all day that many times are not completely honest with me. I know that looking up and one way is finding a memory but that looking up and the other way is finding a lie. However, I have noticed that many of my clients tend to have similar body language when they are talking to me. I want to understand it. Are they nervous? Are they lying? What are they really saying?
I guess I feel if I know their body clues then I can ask the right follow-up questions to get what needs to be out, out. Truth be told I want to help each of them but if I don't know some crucial things than I can't. Hmmmm. So anyway I ordered a book last night that got rave reviews. I guess we will see if I learn anything.
Now I am on a curiosity kick regarding body language. I think it is because again I want to see beyond the obviousness of verbal language. I deal with people all day that many times are not completely honest with me. I know that looking up and one way is finding a memory but that looking up and the other way is finding a lie. However, I have noticed that many of my clients tend to have similar body language when they are talking to me. I want to understand it. Are they nervous? Are they lying? What are they really saying?
I guess I feel if I know their body clues then I can ask the right follow-up questions to get what needs to be out, out. Truth be told I want to help each of them but if I don't know some crucial things than I can't. Hmmmm. So anyway I ordered a book last night that got rave reviews. I guess we will see if I learn anything.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Games we played that our kids never will.
I had some strange dream last night.... I know shocker! However, it got me thinking about games I played as kids that my kids will never play nor really understand. I know each generation goes through this with the change in our society and so forth.
We used to play lay-away all the time. We would use the clothes or closet of my neighbor's house and literally act like we were putting items on lay-away; making payments and so forth. I know that my kids have no idea what this is. Another game that I had at one point thought maybe the neighbors and I made up was "No bears out tonight." It was like a duo tag team that were the bears that would try to get the group walking around the backyard in the dark singing the "no bears are out tonight....." song. I think I finally met someone else that actually played that as well.
We also used to play a game called murder in the dark. Everyone was assigned roles secretly: detective, murderer, victims 1 through whatever. Then with the lights out the detective had to figure out who the murderer was before they got killed. Kind of morbid huh.
We actually played cowboys and Indians (I was always an Indian, proudly). Now our culture has changed so much that the concept is lost on our kids. In someways I guess that is good. We also played "V." Yes, after the series that was on TV. Hide the thimble, hot and cold, red light - green light, red rover and so forth.
One pivotal game in all the girls life was MASH. It helped us imagine who were we going to marry, where we were going to live, and how many kids we would have. I remember playing it for hours at sleepovers. Maybe I need to have my girls over some night and play it again. With the exception that I have to marry Sean....LOL.
We used to play lay-away all the time. We would use the clothes or closet of my neighbor's house and literally act like we were putting items on lay-away; making payments and so forth. I know that my kids have no idea what this is. Another game that I had at one point thought maybe the neighbors and I made up was "No bears out tonight." It was like a duo tag team that were the bears that would try to get the group walking around the backyard in the dark singing the "no bears are out tonight....." song. I think I finally met someone else that actually played that as well.
We also used to play a game called murder in the dark. Everyone was assigned roles secretly: detective, murderer, victims 1 through whatever. Then with the lights out the detective had to figure out who the murderer was before they got killed. Kind of morbid huh.
We actually played cowboys and Indians (I was always an Indian, proudly). Now our culture has changed so much that the concept is lost on our kids. In someways I guess that is good. We also played "V." Yes, after the series that was on TV. Hide the thimble, hot and cold, red light - green light, red rover and so forth.
One pivotal game in all the girls life was MASH. It helped us imagine who were we going to marry, where we were going to live, and how many kids we would have. I remember playing it for hours at sleepovers. Maybe I need to have my girls over some night and play it again. With the exception that I have to marry Sean....LOL.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Awkward!!!
I know we all have those moments where something we said or did all the sudden takes a turn we never saw coming.
A couple of days ago I had to go to Nampa court for a case. Upon arriving I learned the prosecutor/defense attorneys decided to continue the case (pending new charges) until April the day before. So a bit frustrated that I did not receive an email updating me, I laughed it off and started on my way back to work in Caldwell. At a stoplight I was reviewing the folder and saw the name of the arresting officer on the case was someone I knew. It was my brother-in-laws good friend and I just kind of chuckled. I looked up to check on the light and saw my brother-in-law in his truck which just struck me as funny since I just thought about him. I was going to call him and say something but I realized he was on his cell phone.
Anyway, I thought nothing of it till later when my sister and I were talking on the phone. I was tell her of the coincidence of seeing the friends name and then my brother-in-law in like a matter of seconds. All the sudden her tone change! She wanted to know what time and where at. I gave her an approximate. Then she asked if he saw me... I was like nope I was in the county car so he did not even look at me.
I guess he was on the phone with my sister. She was asking him if he could swing by and pick-up some papers for his boss. He was telling he could not because he was still working and no where near by. But he was about 1 mile away at the time. She was fuming because he lied to her. Wow, such a change in the story than where I ever meant it to go.
So, the next day my brother-in-law calls me at work. He said that he was on his way to order flowers for my sister and his wife as a surprise. I guess I kind of ruined that.... oops. He actually said that he didn't know the one time he would try to be sneaky and surprise her a cop would be tailing him. I kind of laughed and was like "sorry, I just thought it was a funny coincidence."
Talk about awkward.
A couple of days ago I had to go to Nampa court for a case. Upon arriving I learned the prosecutor/defense attorneys decided to continue the case (pending new charges) until April the day before. So a bit frustrated that I did not receive an email updating me, I laughed it off and started on my way back to work in Caldwell. At a stoplight I was reviewing the folder and saw the name of the arresting officer on the case was someone I knew. It was my brother-in-laws good friend and I just kind of chuckled. I looked up to check on the light and saw my brother-in-law in his truck which just struck me as funny since I just thought about him. I was going to call him and say something but I realized he was on his cell phone.
Anyway, I thought nothing of it till later when my sister and I were talking on the phone. I was tell her of the coincidence of seeing the friends name and then my brother-in-law in like a matter of seconds. All the sudden her tone change! She wanted to know what time and where at. I gave her an approximate. Then she asked if he saw me... I was like nope I was in the county car so he did not even look at me.
I guess he was on the phone with my sister. She was asking him if he could swing by and pick-up some papers for his boss. He was telling he could not because he was still working and no where near by. But he was about 1 mile away at the time. She was fuming because he lied to her. Wow, such a change in the story than where I ever meant it to go.
So, the next day my brother-in-law calls me at work. He said that he was on his way to order flowers for my sister and his wife as a surprise. I guess I kind of ruined that.... oops. He actually said that he didn't know the one time he would try to be sneaky and surprise her a cop would be tailing him. I kind of laughed and was like "sorry, I just thought it was a funny coincidence."
Talk about awkward.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
"You're too good to be true"
Well at 4:00 am this morning I laid in bed with my head running like a person in training for a marathon. Believe me it was not because I was not tired, but rather my mind some times likes to wake-up hours before it should. Work was on my mind and I knew I needed to shut it off or I would not go back to sleep.
So I looked over at my sleeping husband and just started thinking about him. I am so deeply in love with him. I think I tell him that at least five times a day or get him to tell me that he loves me. He is amazing! I am so fortunate in so many ways. SO THANKS JO AND RICHARD! They did a great job in making him and molding him.
Truth be told I do think that we are perfect for each other. We both think and say the same stupid things when we are trying to be funny. Other people may not get us but we laugh at ourselves.
In less than a month we will have been married for 9 years (together for 10 1/2). The funny thing is that even when we started liking each other I really was thinking that there was no way this was going to work out. He was younger, just out of high school, and so different than any guy I had ever dated. I even told people that the reason I was around him was that he made me feel young again, especially after having a baby. The song called "Crush" played on the radio all the time and I told Sean that was us. But, once I fell for him, I fell harder than I ever thought imaginable.
Now we are still like newly weds. I have even had some complaints from friends that we are too lovey. Now, we don't make-out in front of people or grope each other (even though the thought crosses my mind). However, we are always touching - holding hands, sitting next to each other, in each others arms, and so forth. I will never apologize for this. Truth be told that we do this even when it is the two of us at home and we are watching TV. That is just us and the only thing I regret is if it makes other people feel bad, but then it maybe more jealously or frustration than anything else. I don't mean to hurt any one's feelings but I will never apologize for the affection my husband and I give and receive.
It is the little things that really do matter. Sean does 90% of the cooking and shopping. He also does a majority of the laundry. I know that he does these things for two reasons, because he knows that I am tired when I get home and because he looks at what he contribute to the marriage and does so happily. He also brings home flowers for me for no reason. I want him to know that I appreciate every little thing he does for me - right down to writing me reminder notes or putting my cell phone in my purse so I don't forget it.
My favorite thing though, and I don't think I have ever told him this, is at night when we go to bed. Sean takes my pillow and scoots it over next to his chest. I lay in the crook of his arm up on/by his chest. I feel safe, content, and loved as he holds me till I sleep. That is why it is so hard to go to sleep when he is not there.
I hope that he feels just as loved as I do. I hope everyone feels as loved as I do. I fell asleep again around 5 am with a smile on my face and these thoughts in my head.
So I looked over at my sleeping husband and just started thinking about him. I am so deeply in love with him. I think I tell him that at least five times a day or get him to tell me that he loves me. He is amazing! I am so fortunate in so many ways. SO THANKS JO AND RICHARD! They did a great job in making him and molding him.
Truth be told I do think that we are perfect for each other. We both think and say the same stupid things when we are trying to be funny. Other people may not get us but we laugh at ourselves.
In less than a month we will have been married for 9 years (together for 10 1/2). The funny thing is that even when we started liking each other I really was thinking that there was no way this was going to work out. He was younger, just out of high school, and so different than any guy I had ever dated. I even told people that the reason I was around him was that he made me feel young again, especially after having a baby. The song called "Crush" played on the radio all the time and I told Sean that was us. But, once I fell for him, I fell harder than I ever thought imaginable.
Now we are still like newly weds. I have even had some complaints from friends that we are too lovey. Now, we don't make-out in front of people or grope each other (even though the thought crosses my mind). However, we are always touching - holding hands, sitting next to each other, in each others arms, and so forth. I will never apologize for this. Truth be told that we do this even when it is the two of us at home and we are watching TV. That is just us and the only thing I regret is if it makes other people feel bad, but then it maybe more jealously or frustration than anything else. I don't mean to hurt any one's feelings but I will never apologize for the affection my husband and I give and receive.
It is the little things that really do matter. Sean does 90% of the cooking and shopping. He also does a majority of the laundry. I know that he does these things for two reasons, because he knows that I am tired when I get home and because he looks at what he contribute to the marriage and does so happily. He also brings home flowers for me for no reason. I want him to know that I appreciate every little thing he does for me - right down to writing me reminder notes or putting my cell phone in my purse so I don't forget it.
My favorite thing though, and I don't think I have ever told him this, is at night when we go to bed. Sean takes my pillow and scoots it over next to his chest. I lay in the crook of his arm up on/by his chest. I feel safe, content, and loved as he holds me till I sleep. That is why it is so hard to go to sleep when he is not there.
I hope that he feels just as loved as I do. I hope everyone feels as loved as I do. I fell asleep again around 5 am with a smile on my face and these thoughts in my head.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life isn't fair, but you know what it isn't fair for anyone
Hmmmm... so many things rolling around in my head these days. I don't know where to start or how. I guess the theme I see lately that is going on in some of my friends and family's lives is that some people really don't appreciate what they have. They also don't seem to notice or care how much their actions, words, or lack of actions seem to affect the ones that love them the most.
One area this seems to be consistent in life is those who suddenly feel that the grass is greener in an other pasture. Marriage and relationship are tough. But you know what, they are worth the time and effort. Those who feel like the grass is greener being single often forget to look at the grass they are standing on. Looking outward instead of inward. It is often not until they have climbed the fence and ran in that field that they realize that the grass where they were before is cushier, greener, and more nurturing. Then there are those that are single that do the same thing and settle for someone just to be married. Again it is often too late before they see where they are and where they were. We all need to open our eyes to where we are, not where others are. Chances are that the other people are looking at your field and feeling they are missing out.
Then there are people who decide that what they want is what needs to happen without consideration for those that have to deal with the consequences. My grandfather deciding that the wants to go home and have no one else go with him except my grandma is insanity. He has his kids all upset. My grandma is not in any condition to take care of a man who just had heart surgery on top of a mountain where it takes a bit to get there from the hospital. My grandma already has her own health problems to deal with. But that is not considered. It seems like he feels life is not fair because he has health issues. Well life isn't fair for anyone, so I guess it irritates me that those type of people tend to make it even less fair for those that love them.
One thing about my job is I get to see people who have pushed their loved ones to the edge. I get to see how their choices have made them people they can't stand. Losing their spouse, children, jobs, and so forth. I had a guy in yesterday that was homeless for years and is now finally back with his parents. He now appreciates all he had. They have made choices in life with drugs, crimes, and so forth. But I guess I look at it as we choose to decide to take things in our life for granted. We all fall victim to feeling bad about ourselves. Hopefully we snap out of it before we cause others more unfairness in life.
One area this seems to be consistent in life is those who suddenly feel that the grass is greener in an other pasture. Marriage and relationship are tough. But you know what, they are worth the time and effort. Those who feel like the grass is greener being single often forget to look at the grass they are standing on. Looking outward instead of inward. It is often not until they have climbed the fence and ran in that field that they realize that the grass where they were before is cushier, greener, and more nurturing. Then there are those that are single that do the same thing and settle for someone just to be married. Again it is often too late before they see where they are and where they were. We all need to open our eyes to where we are, not where others are. Chances are that the other people are looking at your field and feeling they are missing out.
Then there are people who decide that what they want is what needs to happen without consideration for those that have to deal with the consequences. My grandfather deciding that the wants to go home and have no one else go with him except my grandma is insanity. He has his kids all upset. My grandma is not in any condition to take care of a man who just had heart surgery on top of a mountain where it takes a bit to get there from the hospital. My grandma already has her own health problems to deal with. But that is not considered. It seems like he feels life is not fair because he has health issues. Well life isn't fair for anyone, so I guess it irritates me that those type of people tend to make it even less fair for those that love them.
One thing about my job is I get to see people who have pushed their loved ones to the edge. I get to see how their choices have made them people they can't stand. Losing their spouse, children, jobs, and so forth. I had a guy in yesterday that was homeless for years and is now finally back with his parents. He now appreciates all he had. They have made choices in life with drugs, crimes, and so forth. But I guess I look at it as we choose to decide to take things in our life for granted. We all fall victim to feeling bad about ourselves. Hopefully we snap out of it before we cause others more unfairness in life.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Accepting and Realizing
I am coming to terms with and finally feel okay with a lot of things in my life. Granted I am sure I will have days that certain things are going to rub me the wrong way. However, I awoke this morning with a strange calm and happiness. Seriously I did not sleep much (due to being up late doing my mixed "tapes" 3 of them for my Sean). But I awoke a half hour before my alarm and just had some good thoughts. It makes me kind of wonder if I had a dream I can't remember.
First, I am okay with where my family (not me and my living in the same house family as this does not apply) is in our relationship. I love my mom very much and things will and are working out. Time truly does make a big difference. I am also okay with being the grandchild that is not bragged about or really even talked about by my all my grandparents. I think that seeing how they looked at my sister for being the first and then never being very close to them really bugged me in life. But, so what! I don't have to prove myself worthy, I know that I am and that they love each of us in our own way, even if that means some are much more subtle. I know that when it counts I am there for them and have good reason why they can be proud of me. I also have found comfort in knowing that I am one that they don't have to worry about.
When it comes to my friends. Well there are some that I know I have done so much for and then later feel like I am not one that they think about when times are good. But again... oh well. I don't do those things to be rewarded. I do those things because that is who I am. Even if they don't notice, I do and those that love me know this as well. The reality is that I would do it all over again the same way. Plus there is a good feeling knowing that when times are tough they feel as though I am the one to help make it right... maybe they know it is my strength for them and it is needed at that time.
The important thing is that I continue to be who I am. That I am loved by someone that is so special to me... a part of me in many ways. We have something that I know others don't understand and that is pretty special. I have two crazy, unique, and loving kids who have more personality than some variety shows on TV have laughs. I have the support of some very important people who love me for who I am not who they think I should be.
I am truly blessed.
First, I am okay with where my family (not me and my living in the same house family as this does not apply) is in our relationship. I love my mom very much and things will and are working out. Time truly does make a big difference. I am also okay with being the grandchild that is not bragged about or really even talked about by my all my grandparents. I think that seeing how they looked at my sister for being the first and then never being very close to them really bugged me in life. But, so what! I don't have to prove myself worthy, I know that I am and that they love each of us in our own way, even if that means some are much more subtle. I know that when it counts I am there for them and have good reason why they can be proud of me. I also have found comfort in knowing that I am one that they don't have to worry about.
When it comes to my friends. Well there are some that I know I have done so much for and then later feel like I am not one that they think about when times are good. But again... oh well. I don't do those things to be rewarded. I do those things because that is who I am. Even if they don't notice, I do and those that love me know this as well. The reality is that I would do it all over again the same way. Plus there is a good feeling knowing that when times are tough they feel as though I am the one to help make it right... maybe they know it is my strength for them and it is needed at that time.
The important thing is that I continue to be who I am. That I am loved by someone that is so special to me... a part of me in many ways. We have something that I know others don't understand and that is pretty special. I have two crazy, unique, and loving kids who have more personality than some variety shows on TV have laughs. I have the support of some very important people who love me for who I am not who they think I should be.
I am truly blessed.
Monday, February 2, 2009
My Poor Hubby (cause he is married to a demanding geek)
I love my honey sooooo very much. I love that it seems the longer we are together the more we think alike or even say the same stupid lines from movies and so forth. I love that he likes that I can be a total strange gal with all sorts of "what if" scenarios that he has to try to figure out the right thing to say... yes, that is right... I am one of those... "If I lost all of the hair on my body, would you make fun of me but still love me" ( I really asked him this question the other day). His answer was that he would buy me crazy wigs and draw all different type of emotional eyebrows on me from day-to-day.
I also always have crazy dreams when it comes to him. I dreamt last night that I found out after being married to him for all this time that he was actually a different person. He was royalty but wanted to make sure that I loved him for him, so he didn't tell me until he could trust me. He had a whole bunch of siblings and crazy stuff. I was so ticked in my dream I just walked away. I know, poor guy always is doing stuff in my dreams to tick me off. I guess it is because he doesn't do that in real life, most of the time anyway.
So my newest craziest demand.... okay will nagging request....LOL. I want a mixed tape, well actually a cd. I want him to make me a cd of songs that remind him of me, us, and so forth. I know I am such a dork....LOL. But I want something to play in my car and think... wow this makes him think of me. What it will be all songs about crazy chicks who drive a man to drink....LOL. But can I tell you that I am so excited!!!! He started on it today...LOL, so I keep asking him if it is done.... I think he may add some songs just to tick me off for bugging him.
But I am happy to return the favor... songs that remind me of him. But of course I am smart enough to see what he give me first. :)
I also always have crazy dreams when it comes to him. I dreamt last night that I found out after being married to him for all this time that he was actually a different person. He was royalty but wanted to make sure that I loved him for him, so he didn't tell me until he could trust me. He had a whole bunch of siblings and crazy stuff. I was so ticked in my dream I just walked away. I know, poor guy always is doing stuff in my dreams to tick me off. I guess it is because he doesn't do that in real life, most of the time anyway.
So my newest craziest demand.... okay will nagging request....LOL. I want a mixed tape, well actually a cd. I want him to make me a cd of songs that remind him of me, us, and so forth. I know I am such a dork....LOL. But I want something to play in my car and think... wow this makes him think of me. What it will be all songs about crazy chicks who drive a man to drink....LOL. But can I tell you that I am so excited!!!! He started on it today...LOL, so I keep asking him if it is done.... I think he may add some songs just to tick me off for bugging him.
But I am happy to return the favor... songs that remind me of him. But of course I am smart enough to see what he give me first. :)
Dessa Mae - Admin Assistant Extraorinaire.
Well, miss Dessa has officially taken my previous job working for Troy. Congrat! She is nervous but it is because she under estimates herself. She is a good worker and is a quick learner. So she has nothing to worry about.
This was just my quick atta-girl for her today. You know you have help and resources so don't be scared to use them.
This was just my quick atta-girl for her today. You know you have help and resources so don't be scared to use them.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Going to court house and I'm gonna get ....
Part of my job is that we go to court about 8 hours a week. I am nervous though because I usually go with one of my peers and watch and listen. I have never spoken to the court during proceedings about recommendations or evidence. But, my supervisor yesterday said that sounds like today is my lucky day. We have a full load of cases and are short a few PO due to vacation/illness. None of them will be my own cases but rather me covering other PO's cases. Ahhhhhh, so nervous! At least I have met the judges (and then they requested a page with our pictures and names shortly afterward so they could call on us/me). I have also met some of the prosecutors and defense attorneys but not even half I would say know who I am.
Thursdays are out heavy court days. We generally spend the afternoon in court or should I say courts. We courtroom hop more than a 21 year old bar hops on their b-day. Popping in and out of about 6 courtrooms seeing where each judge is on the docket. We stay if we know one of the cases we need to handle is next. Or we let the attorney's know we will be back and maybe they will ask to skip it until we are present. People in the courtroom get wide-eyed because we are walking in and out with our badges on.
I really do enjoy it. I like going and listening to people and even their lawyers who are trying to minimize everything they got caught for. "Yeah, he/she was very over the limit intoxicated and almost hit two people on the sidewalk, but they really learned their lesson and no one was in fact hurt..." LOL. Oh, Okay then no harm. Well other than the mailbox or two they took out and the fact the people who jumped out of the way suffered a near heart attack.
Honestly though I do know why the lawyers are doing what they do. After all they are doing their job and giving the best defense. The best is to aim high so that when they get something it does not sound so giving. I will honestly say that some of the ones (both defense and prosecutors) are very good at what they do and if I ever needed to use them I would feel cared about.
The judges are impressive too. Some have that total awe affect on the courtroom where everyone is nervous and knows they need to be respectful. I am not saying they are mean or anything, but that their presence and way they handle things makes you respect them.
The people though.... wow! Here is some common sense that I guess people need to hear. When you are going to court look presentable. Bathe, wear clean clothes, comb your hair, and look like you are not stoned or drunk. People show up in sweats, pj bottoms, clothes that look as though they were in a pile on the floor of their room. Guys come in thinking they have it handled by wearing a hat. You cannot wear hats in the courtroom so when it comes off they look even worse. Take five minutes and make yourself look normal. I know the way a person looks should not affect anything but I guess to me it shows such a lack of respect for the court and themselves. But, at least it is entertaining.
Pray for me around 1:30 ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Thursdays are out heavy court days. We generally spend the afternoon in court or should I say courts. We courtroom hop more than a 21 year old bar hops on their b-day. Popping in and out of about 6 courtrooms seeing where each judge is on the docket. We stay if we know one of the cases we need to handle is next. Or we let the attorney's know we will be back and maybe they will ask to skip it until we are present. People in the courtroom get wide-eyed because we are walking in and out with our badges on.
I really do enjoy it. I like going and listening to people and even their lawyers who are trying to minimize everything they got caught for. "Yeah, he/she was very over the limit intoxicated and almost hit two people on the sidewalk, but they really learned their lesson and no one was in fact hurt..." LOL. Oh, Okay then no harm. Well other than the mailbox or two they took out and the fact the people who jumped out of the way suffered a near heart attack.
Honestly though I do know why the lawyers are doing what they do. After all they are doing their job and giving the best defense. The best is to aim high so that when they get something it does not sound so giving. I will honestly say that some of the ones (both defense and prosecutors) are very good at what they do and if I ever needed to use them I would feel cared about.
The judges are impressive too. Some have that total awe affect on the courtroom where everyone is nervous and knows they need to be respectful. I am not saying they are mean or anything, but that their presence and way they handle things makes you respect them.
The people though.... wow! Here is some common sense that I guess people need to hear. When you are going to court look presentable. Bathe, wear clean clothes, comb your hair, and look like you are not stoned or drunk. People show up in sweats, pj bottoms, clothes that look as though they were in a pile on the floor of their room. Guys come in thinking they have it handled by wearing a hat. You cannot wear hats in the courtroom so when it comes off they look even worse. Take five minutes and make yourself look normal. I know the way a person looks should not affect anything but I guess to me it shows such a lack of respect for the court and themselves. But, at least it is entertaining.
Pray for me around 1:30 ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Men and Women; Boys and Girls
I find it so interesting to see how different the opposite sex handles things or even thinks about things. Don't get me wrong in many situations it is good to have opposites to complement each other.
I just think it makes so many things so mysterious. Maybe that is an allure. I know that Sean looks at things differently than I do. I guess it is good because at the very least he seems to claim he understands where I am coming from. I can see his point of view as well, but it is after he says things. I am talking about emotional moments, jealousy, memories, and so forth.
I think that because of some of the boys I grew up with I had a different take on guys and what they do or talk about. You see, I was a tomboy growing up. I got along more with boys than girls (with the exception of a few special gals) and have always been able to strike a conversation with guys much easier. This was never a problem until I started really looking like a girl. Then the other girls thought I was just trying to get all the boys attention. LOL, the funny thing is that I always figured that those girls were so much better in many ways than me that I looked at them as a threat... us gals.
But the boys I grew up with and around talked to me about everything. I mean when they were married they would talk very openly with me about issues or frustrations they had with their wives. They knew I would never tell or whatever. So I guess I thought that other guys talked to guys about the same stuff. Turns out I was wrong. I thought that Sean was just quiet or didn't know what to say to me. But, I guess I just figured out that maybe those boys I grew up with talked to me like that because I was in fact a girl and they would not have talked to their guy friends about the same sort of stuff.
So I guess I still find it a mystery as to what goes on in their heads. You know what they share with others and what they would if they felt they could. Us gals we are pretty open. Yes, even with each other!
I just think it makes so many things so mysterious. Maybe that is an allure. I know that Sean looks at things differently than I do. I guess it is good because at the very least he seems to claim he understands where I am coming from. I can see his point of view as well, but it is after he says things. I am talking about emotional moments, jealousy, memories, and so forth.
I think that because of some of the boys I grew up with I had a different take on guys and what they do or talk about. You see, I was a tomboy growing up. I got along more with boys than girls (with the exception of a few special gals) and have always been able to strike a conversation with guys much easier. This was never a problem until I started really looking like a girl. Then the other girls thought I was just trying to get all the boys attention. LOL, the funny thing is that I always figured that those girls were so much better in many ways than me that I looked at them as a threat... us gals.
But the boys I grew up with and around talked to me about everything. I mean when they were married they would talk very openly with me about issues or frustrations they had with their wives. They knew I would never tell or whatever. So I guess I thought that other guys talked to guys about the same stuff. Turns out I was wrong. I thought that Sean was just quiet or didn't know what to say to me. But, I guess I just figured out that maybe those boys I grew up with talked to me like that because I was in fact a girl and they would not have talked to their guy friends about the same sort of stuff.
So I guess I still find it a mystery as to what goes on in their heads. You know what they share with others and what they would if they felt they could. Us gals we are pretty open. Yes, even with each other!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Music Is A Time Machine
So I finally decided to get a song list on my page. If it is annoying well then turn it off... :)
It is funny because as I was going through the songs I was amazed at how these songs all took me back to different times in my life or at least made me think of different people. Even if things have changed so much that you don't feel like the same person from that time, the sound and the words bring back such a huge emotion inside.
Right now I am listening to "Beauty and The Beast" by Stevie Nicks as I am writing this. I have a huge heaviness in my heart. This was a song that I played over and over again after my first real heart-breaking break-up. Believe me, I am very happy I am not with that man.... I would have never been happy or the person I am today. Sean is the only one that could ever love me the way I need to be loved. I don't think, no, I know I have never loved anyone the way I love him. However, the song still hits me in a spot...
It is like a time warp. I can see vividly things in my head as the songs play. I know that this happens to everyone. Certain songs will take us back to a place in our mind that we have never thought about for a long time. Like the song by the Bloodhound Gang called "The Roof is on Fire" (which due to a lot of bad language and stuff is not on my play list) makes me remember closing at Target in electronics laughing my butt of with Jon Peters. My very favorite memory of him. Different songs that I used to play when Aubree was born make me see her as a baby. Old country songs take me back to when my family used to get together to play guitars and attempt to sing.
Other songs just stir up the emotions. There are songs that are exclusive to my thoughts and feelings for Sean that I am sure he would wonder why those particular songs represent him in my mind.
Of all the songs on my play list one that seems to sum up everything. It is strange because I actually had a dream the other night where this was playing. It is not a song that many people are familiar with. The artist is Judy Collins, which will always remind me of my mother because she used to sing all of her songs and did such a great job. The song "In My Life" which talks about her past and how much the people and places meant to her. Even though her past is looked back on fondly, the person she is in love with now is more than anything she had. I think it is true because your love, hurt, good, bad, gains, loses and so forth make you who you are. Later you will look back at them with different eyes, but usually the same feelings. However, I look at the ones in my life now and know this is where I wanted and dreamed of being. I love them all more.... especially my kids and my Sean.
It is funny because as I was going through the songs I was amazed at how these songs all took me back to different times in my life or at least made me think of different people. Even if things have changed so much that you don't feel like the same person from that time, the sound and the words bring back such a huge emotion inside.
Right now I am listening to "Beauty and The Beast" by Stevie Nicks as I am writing this. I have a huge heaviness in my heart. This was a song that I played over and over again after my first real heart-breaking break-up. Believe me, I am very happy I am not with that man.... I would have never been happy or the person I am today. Sean is the only one that could ever love me the way I need to be loved. I don't think, no, I know I have never loved anyone the way I love him. However, the song still hits me in a spot...
It is like a time warp. I can see vividly things in my head as the songs play. I know that this happens to everyone. Certain songs will take us back to a place in our mind that we have never thought about for a long time. Like the song by the Bloodhound Gang called "The Roof is on Fire" (which due to a lot of bad language and stuff is not on my play list) makes me remember closing at Target in electronics laughing my butt of with Jon Peters. My very favorite memory of him. Different songs that I used to play when Aubree was born make me see her as a baby. Old country songs take me back to when my family used to get together to play guitars and attempt to sing.
Other songs just stir up the emotions. There are songs that are exclusive to my thoughts and feelings for Sean that I am sure he would wonder why those particular songs represent him in my mind.
Of all the songs on my play list one that seems to sum up everything. It is strange because I actually had a dream the other night where this was playing. It is not a song that many people are familiar with. The artist is Judy Collins, which will always remind me of my mother because she used to sing all of her songs and did such a great job. The song "In My Life" which talks about her past and how much the people and places meant to her. Even though her past is looked back on fondly, the person she is in love with now is more than anything she had. I think it is true because your love, hurt, good, bad, gains, loses and so forth make you who you are. Later you will look back at them with different eyes, but usually the same feelings. However, I look at the ones in my life now and know this is where I wanted and dreamed of being. I love them all more.... especially my kids and my Sean.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wrap her in rubber and bounce her around?????
When I was younger my parents always said that they were going to wrap me in rubber. The reason being was that I tended to break arms, finger, toes, and whatever pretty easily. I do feel bad because comparatively I was a whole lot more expensive than my sister growing up due to all the illness and stuff. However, I guess it was my way of getting back of all the hand-me-downs I got until I turned 15 (then I got taller than my sister and needed longer pants... ).
My daughter has decided that since she doesn't really look like me that this breakable trait is her way of proving that she is in fact my daughter. In first grade, she was playing on the swing set in our backyard and fell off. She didn't really cry but looked pale. I looked at her arms (as did my grandma and mom) and thought maybe she sprained one. I sent her to school the next day w/ a note saying she could not do PE. Later that day after work I looked again at her arm and decided to take her in. Well she had broken BOTH arms.
In third grade, my daughter was at my parent's house messing around in the kitchen. You know sliding with your socks on like you are ice skating... (we have all done it). She again fell. My parents thought she may have strained it. Seeing how Aubree kept saying she was okay and did not cry we thought maybe it was okay. I decided the next day to take her into the hospital. Yep, it was broken.
So last week, I get a call from my daughter at home telling me that she can't do her chores because her arm hurts too much. I sighed and asked what happened. She said she was okay just hurt it on the playground. She did not tell anyone at the school because they had a field trip that day and she did not want to miss out. I then got a call from my sister saying that Aubree had hurt her arm at school and was walking funny so that she would not swing it or move it.
This time I thought I would be proactive and instead of waiting a day I would take her in. So as soon as I got home from work we jumped in the car and went to the clinic. Her face was purple from where she hit the ice on the playground and it was her shoulder that was bothering her. Guess what.... nope it was not broke. See even you thought for sure that this child is breaking things every two years so it most likely. Instead she pulled and strained the muscles around her shoulder and rotator cuff. The doctor kept saying that Aubree did not seem to be in a lot of pain. How, do you explain that every other time she has said she was okay she had broken her arm... so better safe than sorry right.
Now I have decided that I should wrap her in rubber. But, I want to do so to bounce her around. She is fighting me tooth and nail on wearing her sling. She did not do so at her dad's this weekend even though both the doctor and I said she needed to. She winces whenever she uses it so it is not like it is all better. I just want to knock some sense into her... but I may end up breaking something. Therefore, rubber it is... Just kidding.
My daughter has decided that since she doesn't really look like me that this breakable trait is her way of proving that she is in fact my daughter. In first grade, she was playing on the swing set in our backyard and fell off. She didn't really cry but looked pale. I looked at her arms (as did my grandma and mom) and thought maybe she sprained one. I sent her to school the next day w/ a note saying she could not do PE. Later that day after work I looked again at her arm and decided to take her in. Well she had broken BOTH arms.
In third grade, my daughter was at my parent's house messing around in the kitchen. You know sliding with your socks on like you are ice skating... (we have all done it). She again fell. My parents thought she may have strained it. Seeing how Aubree kept saying she was okay and did not cry we thought maybe it was okay. I decided the next day to take her into the hospital. Yep, it was broken.
So last week, I get a call from my daughter at home telling me that she can't do her chores because her arm hurts too much. I sighed and asked what happened. She said she was okay just hurt it on the playground. She did not tell anyone at the school because they had a field trip that day and she did not want to miss out. I then got a call from my sister saying that Aubree had hurt her arm at school and was walking funny so that she would not swing it or move it.
This time I thought I would be proactive and instead of waiting a day I would take her in. So as soon as I got home from work we jumped in the car and went to the clinic. Her face was purple from where she hit the ice on the playground and it was her shoulder that was bothering her. Guess what.... nope it was not broke. See even you thought for sure that this child is breaking things every two years so it most likely. Instead she pulled and strained the muscles around her shoulder and rotator cuff. The doctor kept saying that Aubree did not seem to be in a lot of pain. How, do you explain that every other time she has said she was okay she had broken her arm... so better safe than sorry right.
Now I have decided that I should wrap her in rubber. But, I want to do so to bounce her around. She is fighting me tooth and nail on wearing her sling. She did not do so at her dad's this weekend even though both the doctor and I said she needed to. She winces whenever she uses it so it is not like it is all better. I just want to knock some sense into her... but I may end up breaking something. Therefore, rubber it is... Just kidding.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Money, Money, Money
I am sitting here listening to my hubby talk about how much everything has gone up.... Boy has it. Yesterday, I sat down and entered our expenses in a software that is on our computer. It is really cool because it allows us to see exactly where our money has been going. The print out is very informative, plus is good to help us do our taxes.
We would be rich if we just quit eating and paying utilities. LOL. It is amazing how much stuff adds up. Certain bills seemed to climb every month, such as cable or phone. It is nice that gas finally went down a while back. However, it seems like everything else that went up, due to the gas prices, has not gone down yet. The cost of food and clothes is scary. I am such a bargain shopper; yes, some even say that I can be cheap. I love clearance and have learned from working retail that it is well worth it. However, it seems that even the clearance is expensive because the original prices where way up there..... yep, there goes the cheap side of me thinking again.
I am truly scared for many people. Sean and I went through a very scary time with his work. Fortunately he was not laid-off but demoted. This was shocking to our pocket book. Thankfully, I got another job that pays better and has excellent benefits. No, we are still not making what we were before, but we both have learned to spend less and think more.
Now I have a handful of friends though that have been laid off. I am truly scared for them. My dad is an HR manager and says he feels like he is the grim reaper due to people avoiding and cringing when he come around. For all those that are in this predicament, please know you are in my prayers. I do think about you even though I may not see you or talk with you very much. I am trying to brainstorm ways that I and others can be the support system that seems to be needed. So if anyone has any thoughts.... pass them along.
I do think that we need to have a get together where we just laugh and not have to think about things. That may be the only thing I am good at. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I will have to put some stuff in the works.
Much love!
We would be rich if we just quit eating and paying utilities. LOL. It is amazing how much stuff adds up. Certain bills seemed to climb every month, such as cable or phone. It is nice that gas finally went down a while back. However, it seems like everything else that went up, due to the gas prices, has not gone down yet. The cost of food and clothes is scary. I am such a bargain shopper; yes, some even say that I can be cheap. I love clearance and have learned from working retail that it is well worth it. However, it seems that even the clearance is expensive because the original prices where way up there..... yep, there goes the cheap side of me thinking again.
I am truly scared for many people. Sean and I went through a very scary time with his work. Fortunately he was not laid-off but demoted. This was shocking to our pocket book. Thankfully, I got another job that pays better and has excellent benefits. No, we are still not making what we were before, but we both have learned to spend less and think more.
Now I have a handful of friends though that have been laid off. I am truly scared for them. My dad is an HR manager and says he feels like he is the grim reaper due to people avoiding and cringing when he come around. For all those that are in this predicament, please know you are in my prayers. I do think about you even though I may not see you or talk with you very much. I am trying to brainstorm ways that I and others can be the support system that seems to be needed. So if anyone has any thoughts.... pass them along.
I do think that we need to have a get together where we just laugh and not have to think about things. That may be the only thing I am good at. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I will have to put some stuff in the works.
Much love!
Friday, January 9, 2009
To Tell or Not To Tell... hmm (what do you think)
Well anyone that knows me for more than a bit knows that my family is very special and unique. No, not Sean... LOL he is just special to me. I am talking about my parents and their whole cousin thing.
I was talking the other day with a new fellow officer when our families came up. She is from the same area that my dad was raised in (Gooding and Jerome). So we were talking about our families. So of course the question comes up "where is your mom from?" Well my mom was born in Boise, ID but grew up mostly in New York and Illinois. So the logical questions is "how did your parents meet? College?"
Hmmm, do I dare say well family gatherings or reunions? I guess I could say that one of their cousins introduced them or even their aunts. How do people really look at me when I tell them that my parents are indeed first cousins? Not once removed or by adoption or step. But that my dad's dad and my mom's mom are brother and sister.
To be honest it does not bother me in the least. I mean I guess it is because every since I was born I have known and really did not know that some people were grossed out by it until I was older. It has always been a joke in our family. The quiet athlete country boy from Gooding hooking up with the loud ornery city cousin. All of my cousins (yes that includes my parents and aunts / uncles) just tease me and my sister but in a very proud way. Like that we are twice the relative that they are and so forth. Royalty or cattle breeding are the two most known forms of inbreeding to keep the bloodlines going. So which does that make me?
So any way I told her. I mean after all I plan on working there for a long time... (hopefully). The thing is that usually when I tell people it is either people that I know well or at least I feel well established in my position. Meaning that they know I am not a totally freak (well in a negative way) and can function as a human (meaning that they won't have to wipe me in the potty room).
So I guess that I am asking all of you what your reactions were when you heard it. My peer at work took it rather well (although I think she needed time alone to process it...LOL). But as a person who has never had the shock or the "what what" moment I guess I wonder what the different reactions are....
So if you don't mind either comment away or email me....
Lisa
I was talking the other day with a new fellow officer when our families came up. She is from the same area that my dad was raised in (Gooding and Jerome). So we were talking about our families. So of course the question comes up "where is your mom from?" Well my mom was born in Boise, ID but grew up mostly in New York and Illinois. So the logical questions is "how did your parents meet? College?"
Hmmm, do I dare say well family gatherings or reunions? I guess I could say that one of their cousins introduced them or even their aunts. How do people really look at me when I tell them that my parents are indeed first cousins? Not once removed or by adoption or step. But that my dad's dad and my mom's mom are brother and sister.
To be honest it does not bother me in the least. I mean I guess it is because every since I was born I have known and really did not know that some people were grossed out by it until I was older. It has always been a joke in our family. The quiet athlete country boy from Gooding hooking up with the loud ornery city cousin. All of my cousins (yes that includes my parents and aunts / uncles) just tease me and my sister but in a very proud way. Like that we are twice the relative that they are and so forth. Royalty or cattle breeding are the two most known forms of inbreeding to keep the bloodlines going. So which does that make me?
So any way I told her. I mean after all I plan on working there for a long time... (hopefully). The thing is that usually when I tell people it is either people that I know well or at least I feel well established in my position. Meaning that they know I am not a totally freak (well in a negative way) and can function as a human (meaning that they won't have to wipe me in the potty room).
So I guess that I am asking all of you what your reactions were when you heard it. My peer at work took it rather well (although I think she needed time alone to process it...LOL). But as a person who has never had the shock or the "what what" moment I guess I wonder what the different reactions are....
So if you don't mind either comment away or email me....
Lisa
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Crazy Dreams
Do you every have dreams that make so much sense when you are in them, but later you are so taken back by them? I do all the time..... I think when I try to explain them to my husband I completely lose him.
The funny thing is that I tend to fight with my husband in my dreams. See we don't hardly ever fight. Well, even then we don't argue it is more like we just stop talking. But in my dreams he is such a meaning and very demanding. So crazy.... Anyone that knows him, knows he is not even like that in real life.
My sister has some crazy things happen in her dreams too. Wonder if it is because our parents are cousins! I knew that beyond my broken mind there was some additional side effects to inbreeding. Anyway when she is really stressed in real life she will have dreams that she is smoking. My sister has never smoked anything in real life. So I find this really funny that it is her stress relief in dream world. She also will dream about movies stars but my favorite is the one when she was married to Peter Sellers (the original Pink Panther in the movies).
Last night part of my dream was that I fell asleep under a tree and woke up surrounded by people I have not seen since high school or jr high. The thing was that I had my badge (yes I have an actual badge as an officer) around my neck and they were all really upset that I was a probation officer. I even remember that one of the girls I went to school with that was a very good girl and preppy was there. She looked greasy and like a meth user. Wow, it was creepy.
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you all. Dreams are crazzzzzzzyyyy.
The funny thing is that I tend to fight with my husband in my dreams. See we don't hardly ever fight. Well, even then we don't argue it is more like we just stop talking. But in my dreams he is such a meaning and very demanding. So crazy.... Anyone that knows him, knows he is not even like that in real life.
My sister has some crazy things happen in her dreams too. Wonder if it is because our parents are cousins! I knew that beyond my broken mind there was some additional side effects to inbreeding. Anyway when she is really stressed in real life she will have dreams that she is smoking. My sister has never smoked anything in real life. So I find this really funny that it is her stress relief in dream world. She also will dream about movies stars but my favorite is the one when she was married to Peter Sellers (the original Pink Panther in the movies).
Last night part of my dream was that I fell asleep under a tree and woke up surrounded by people I have not seen since high school or jr high. The thing was that I had my badge (yes I have an actual badge as an officer) around my neck and they were all really upset that I was a probation officer. I even remember that one of the girls I went to school with that was a very good girl and preppy was there. She looked greasy and like a meth user. Wow, it was creepy.
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you all. Dreams are crazzzzzzzyyyy.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Rambling of my tired mind.....
Well as I am doing more things on my job I find that I do like it a lot. It is interesting, challenging, and well sometimes inspiring. So thanks for all the support from all of my well wishers (even my hubby that makes fun of my spelling....:))
There is a lot of personal stuff that is building up so I am going to write it so it is out of my head. I woke-up at 3am this morning and had to read until a bit after 4am. I did not think that I was thinking of stuff but this morning it all kind of hit me in the shower.
First, my grandfather has just recently found that he has a heart condition. No, let me restate that. He had a heart condition since birth, but now that he is 65 it is a scary condition. His valves are not working and one is even back flowing the blood to his heart. I have not really spoken to him about this, nor my mom who seems to be on her way to speaking to me again. Rather, I have talked with my dad and sister. So I need to call and see how he is doing as well as how my grandma is coping. I just don't feel close to them. I have never been close to any of my grandfathers (all three, one is a step). It makes me really sad.
My mother's real dad is mentally ill and well physically ill as well. I just recently have been back in contact with him (I had not spoken to him since I was about 17). My mom and him do not speak and have not since I was a teenager. He called my house 6 times the other day. I ended up calling him the next day. It just feels so distant.
My dad's father has never really been there for me. He missed mile stones in my life (graduation, wedding reception... ect.) but has made it to many of my cousin's instead. He remarried when I was 4 and seemed to kind of leave our family behind. Granted my dad, as the oldest, was taking care of my broken hearted grandma. Still it bugs me.
Now, the grandfather that has been most consistant in my life (my mom's step-dad) is sick. We were close when I was younger. Now it seems that he kind of tolerates us. We tend to run out of things to talk about in less than a half hour. Whereas my grandma could talk for days.
I guess it hit me that all of this really does bother me. Not just because of them and how they act. But also because I allowed it to happen. I did not stand-up and say, hey remember me... I am your 2nd or 3rd (depending on which side) grandchild. I have always been there when you were in the hospital. I also have let myself feel okay or justified in not keeping contact. I guess I am wondering what that says about me as a person. I am afraid that if I don't do something about it soon... it will be too late. All three of them are not in good health. hmmm sounds like I have some phone calls to do....
There is a lot of personal stuff that is building up so I am going to write it so it is out of my head. I woke-up at 3am this morning and had to read until a bit after 4am. I did not think that I was thinking of stuff but this morning it all kind of hit me in the shower.
First, my grandfather has just recently found that he has a heart condition. No, let me restate that. He had a heart condition since birth, but now that he is 65 it is a scary condition. His valves are not working and one is even back flowing the blood to his heart. I have not really spoken to him about this, nor my mom who seems to be on her way to speaking to me again. Rather, I have talked with my dad and sister. So I need to call and see how he is doing as well as how my grandma is coping. I just don't feel close to them. I have never been close to any of my grandfathers (all three, one is a step). It makes me really sad.
My mother's real dad is mentally ill and well physically ill as well. I just recently have been back in contact with him (I had not spoken to him since I was about 17). My mom and him do not speak and have not since I was a teenager. He called my house 6 times the other day. I ended up calling him the next day. It just feels so distant.
My dad's father has never really been there for me. He missed mile stones in my life (graduation, wedding reception... ect.) but has made it to many of my cousin's instead. He remarried when I was 4 and seemed to kind of leave our family behind. Granted my dad, as the oldest, was taking care of my broken hearted grandma. Still it bugs me.
Now, the grandfather that has been most consistant in my life (my mom's step-dad) is sick. We were close when I was younger. Now it seems that he kind of tolerates us. We tend to run out of things to talk about in less than a half hour. Whereas my grandma could talk for days.
I guess it hit me that all of this really does bother me. Not just because of them and how they act. But also because I allowed it to happen. I did not stand-up and say, hey remember me... I am your 2nd or 3rd (depending on which side) grandchild. I have always been there when you were in the hospital. I also have let myself feel okay or justified in not keeping contact. I guess I am wondering what that says about me as a person. I am afraid that if I don't do something about it soon... it will be too late. All three of them are not in good health. hmmm sounds like I have some phone calls to do....
Friday, January 2, 2009
Character
So in efforts to decorate my office in a manner that represents me and also is up building to others I went in search of art or pictures. First, I found that I have great taste, meaning expensive taste...LOL. Wow, I really was shocked. You can tell how much I shop or at least for home decor. Second, I found that a lot of things did not speak to me or I guess for me.
The result was me creating my own motivational picture. Any of you that know me know two things for sure. I am NOT crafty or artistic (so the very sentence above is shocking you to the core). Second, I love things in black and white... every now and then with reds or browns.
So to put your mind at ease on the artistic manner.... there is a place on the web you can go to create your own motivational posters. You know the ones; you have seen them everywhere. They say Endurance and then a small sentence or two below a picture of a person in a race or whatnot. You get to upload any one of your personal pictures for the poster. Now, no I did not put a big picture of me looking goofy, although that would have been funny, but remember that I have to command some respect with the people on my caseload. Instead I found (or rather Sean) a picture on the Internet of a what looks like reference books in a library but taken in black and white at an angle. Trust me I think it looks cool.
So now came the writing part. I choose the theme "Character." I know that there are some of you that have heard me say this next part. I had it said to me when I was in my late teens and it stuck with me. It made an impact in my life even when maybe I did not think it did.
"A misstep in your life does not define who your are. However, what you do afterwards will speak volumns about you."
Meaning that because a person makes a bad choice or mistake in life does not mean that is who they are going to be. But, what they do after they realize it will tell others so much about them. If they own it, learn from it, try to fix it, or are even truly sorry will mean that they are a person who will not repeat it or try very hard to stop doing those type of things. However, a person that laughs at it, does not take responsibility for it, or other such things will not learn from it nor really change. We are all in control of who we are. We are all one decision away from doing something we regret. Therefore, for us to feel superior to those that have made that bad decision and truly feel bad about it is ridiculous.
So tell me what you think... I am excited that it is coming.
The result was me creating my own motivational picture. Any of you that know me know two things for sure. I am NOT crafty or artistic (so the very sentence above is shocking you to the core). Second, I love things in black and white... every now and then with reds or browns.
So to put your mind at ease on the artistic manner.... there is a place on the web you can go to create your own motivational posters. You know the ones; you have seen them everywhere. They say Endurance and then a small sentence or two below a picture of a person in a race or whatnot. You get to upload any one of your personal pictures for the poster. Now, no I did not put a big picture of me looking goofy, although that would have been funny, but remember that I have to command some respect with the people on my caseload. Instead I found (or rather Sean) a picture on the Internet of a what looks like reference books in a library but taken in black and white at an angle. Trust me I think it looks cool.
So now came the writing part. I choose the theme "Character." I know that there are some of you that have heard me say this next part. I had it said to me when I was in my late teens and it stuck with me. It made an impact in my life even when maybe I did not think it did.
"A misstep in your life does not define who your are. However, what you do afterwards will speak volumns about you."
Meaning that because a person makes a bad choice or mistake in life does not mean that is who they are going to be. But, what they do after they realize it will tell others so much about them. If they own it, learn from it, try to fix it, or are even truly sorry will mean that they are a person who will not repeat it or try very hard to stop doing those type of things. However, a person that laughs at it, does not take responsibility for it, or other such things will not learn from it nor really change. We are all in control of who we are. We are all one decision away from doing something we regret. Therefore, for us to feel superior to those that have made that bad decision and truly feel bad about it is ridiculous.
So tell me what you think... I am excited that it is coming.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)