My own worst enemy?!

A few nights ago Sean and I were laying in bed cuddling. He looked so lovingly at me but then I guess I had a strange look on my face. When he asked what I was thinking (he only asks when I have that "hmmmm" deep thought look on my face, so don't think he is like us girls that ask all the time) I had the strangest time explaining it.

My thought was that I love the fact and the way that he loves me. Okay, so that is a good thought, why the strange look? Because the whole reason that was on my mind was that I knew he loves me for me, not who or what he thinks I should be. Now I've lost you....

My broken mind is that I know that I am afraid of becoming thin again. What??? Why??? Isn't that the goal all women have?

Let me explain this insanity that I am trying to work through and have for the last few years that this has really dawned on me. When I was younger and thinner, I felt really lost and not as valued. You see the girls all thought that because I was bigger in the breast area and small in the waist that I was always trying to steal attention or boyfriends. This was even the reaction I got from people that have known me for a long time, I just change by losing a ton of weight and growing in the other area. My personality did not change but my body did and that was enough for everyone to judge me.

Then I look at my past boyfriends or loves. In many ways I was something to show off. Please don't think I am conceded... I am not saying it was my beauty but my body. I never really felt my feeling and thoughts were cherished. It was what they felt I could do for them. Now, I know that a few of them really did care, but not in the manner that made me feel secure enough that if I gained weight or changed that I was sure of their reaction. Maybe it would have been okay, but in my mind I will never know. I felt like a toy that they got bored with and so they would leave, later they would remember it and come back. Many of my relationships were that way - together, apart, together, apart, ect. until one of us just had it or something better came along for them to enjoy.

Heck even Aubree's dad says things to me like, "I tell people that when we hooked up you were a lot hotter..." Now I feel that I am something to be ashamed of. So you would think that I would want to be thin again.

However, I feel I have pretty good friends that like me for my personality. I have Sean who loves me for my inner and outer beauty. I guess on a subconscious level I feel that if things change physically for me that I will be viewed differently and not valued. I know that this is not true with Sean. I think sometimes I cheat him out of what he should have, a wife with a confident body image. I just have to get over this mental issue and quit panicking when I start to lose weight. I guess it will come with time.

Crazy huh????

Change....hmmmm.... Strange.

My wonderful husband has had this week off. The way he decided to use the bulk of his time is to scan pictures that we have had in boxes forever. This is an all day process because we have a gazillion pictures.

I think it is amazing how much I have changed in the last 15 years of my life. I think for girls it is discouraging but yet interesting. I know, I know, I know... I have had kids, illnesses, time, and all that stuff makes you age and well in my case bigger. However, even when I was younger I could look different by dying my hair or changing my make-up. I thought I would share some with you.


Now my husband's response last night when I commented on how cute I "used to be" (I know but when you had your skinny days...), was "babe, people don't look the same after 10 -15 years." He is the last person that should ever say that. He still has clothes from high school that he fits into. Yes, he may look young, but he did graduate over 10 years ago... check him out.




He looks pretty much the same. :)

Thanks for scanning them babe. I guess I will keep you guessing on who you will wake-up to the next day. LOL

Body lanuage

So some of you know that I am strange and get on certain curiosity kicks. One of which was about handwriting analysis. I still think that this is fascinating how our brain gives us away when we write. Our arm is just the tool but our brain is reflecting our emotion and honesty with every stroke and space we have in our writing.

Now I am on a curiosity kick regarding body language. I think it is because again I want to see beyond the obviousness of verbal language. I deal with people all day that many times are not completely honest with me. I know that looking up and one way is finding a memory but that looking up and the other way is finding a lie. However, I have noticed that many of my clients tend to have similar body language when they are talking to me. I want to understand it. Are they nervous? Are they lying? What are they really saying?

I guess I feel if I know their body clues then I can ask the right follow-up questions to get what needs to be out, out. Truth be told I want to help each of them but if I don't know some crucial things than I can't. Hmmmm. So anyway I ordered a book last night that got rave reviews. I guess we will see if I learn anything.

Games we played that our kids never will.

I had some strange dream last night.... I know shocker! However, it got me thinking about games I played as kids that my kids will never play nor really understand. I know each generation goes through this with the change in our society and so forth.

We used to play lay-away all the time. We would use the clothes or closet of my neighbor's house and literally act like we were putting items on lay-away; making payments and so forth. I know that my kids have no idea what this is. Another game that I had at one point thought maybe the neighbors and I made up was "No bears out tonight." It was like a duo tag team that were the bears that would try to get the group walking around the backyard in the dark singing the "no bears are out tonight....." song. I think I finally met someone else that actually played that as well.

We also used to play a game called murder in the dark. Everyone was assigned roles secretly: detective, murderer, victims 1 through whatever. Then with the lights out the detective had to figure out who the murderer was before they got killed. Kind of morbid huh.

We actually played cowboys and Indians (I was always an Indian, proudly). Now our culture has changed so much that the concept is lost on our kids. In someways I guess that is good. We also played "V." Yes, after the series that was on TV. Hide the thimble, hot and cold, red light - green light, red rover and so forth.

One pivotal game in all the girls life was MASH. It helped us imagine who were we going to marry, where we were going to live, and how many kids we would have. I remember playing it for hours at sleepovers. Maybe I need to have my girls over some night and play it again. With the exception that I have to marry Sean....LOL.

Awkward!!!

I know we all have those moments where something we said or did all the sudden takes a turn we never saw coming.

A couple of days ago I had to go to Nampa court for a case. Upon arriving I learned the prosecutor/defense attorneys decided to continue the case (pending new charges) until April the day before. So a bit frustrated that I did not receive an email updating me, I laughed it off and started on my way back to work in Caldwell. At a stoplight I was reviewing the folder and saw the name of the arresting officer on the case was someone I knew. It was my brother-in-laws good friend and I just kind of chuckled. I looked up to check on the light and saw my brother-in-law in his truck which just struck me as funny since I just thought about him. I was going to call him and say something but I realized he was on his cell phone.

Anyway, I thought nothing of it till later when my sister and I were talking on the phone. I was tell her of the coincidence of seeing the friends name and then my brother-in-law in like a matter of seconds. All the sudden her tone change! She wanted to know what time and where at. I gave her an approximate. Then she asked if he saw me... I was like nope I was in the county car so he did not even look at me.

I guess he was on the phone with my sister. She was asking him if he could swing by and pick-up some papers for his boss. He was telling he could not because he was still working and no where near by. But he was about 1 mile away at the time. She was fuming because he lied to her. Wow, such a change in the story than where I ever meant it to go.

So, the next day my brother-in-law calls me at work. He said that he was on his way to order flowers for my sister and his wife as a surprise. I guess I kind of ruined that.... oops. He actually said that he didn't know the one time he would try to be sneaky and surprise her a cop would be tailing him. I kind of laughed and was like "sorry, I just thought it was a funny coincidence."

Talk about awkward.

"You're too good to be true"

Well at 4:00 am this morning I laid in bed with my head running like a person in training for a marathon. Believe me it was not because I was not tired, but rather my mind some times likes to wake-up hours before it should. Work was on my mind and I knew I needed to shut it off or I would not go back to sleep.

So I looked over at my sleeping husband and just started thinking about him. I am so deeply in love with him. I think I tell him that at least five times a day or get him to tell me that he loves me. He is amazing! I am so fortunate in so many ways. SO THANKS JO AND RICHARD! They did a great job in making him and molding him.
Truth be told I do think that we are perfect for each other. We both think and say the same stupid things when we are trying to be funny. Other people may not get us but we laugh at ourselves.

In less than a month we will have been married for 9 years (together for 10 1/2). The funny thing is that even when we started liking each other I really was thinking that there was no way this was going to work out. He was younger, just out of high school, and so different than any guy I had ever dated. I even told people that the reason I was around him was that he made me feel young again, especially after having a baby. The song called "Crush" played on the radio all the time and I told Sean that was us. But, once I fell for him, I fell harder than I ever thought imaginable.

Now we are still like newly weds. I have even had some complaints from friends that we are too lovey. Now, we don't make-out in front of people or grope each other (even though the thought crosses my mind). However, we are always touching - holding hands, sitting next to each other, in each others arms, and so forth. I will never apologize for this. Truth be told that we do this even when it is the two of us at home and we are watching TV. That is just us and the only thing I regret is if it makes other people feel bad, but then it maybe more jealously or frustration than anything else. I don't mean to hurt any one's feelings but I will never apologize for the affection my husband and I give and receive.

It is the little things that really do matter. Sean does 90% of the cooking and shopping. He also does a majority of the laundry. I know that he does these things for two reasons, because he knows that I am tired when I get home and because he looks at what he contribute to the marriage and does so happily. He also brings home flowers for me for no reason. I want him to know that I appreciate every little thing he does for me - right down to writing me reminder notes or putting my cell phone in my purse so I don't forget it.

My favorite thing though, and I don't think I have ever told him this, is at night when we go to bed. Sean takes my pillow and scoots it over next to his chest. I lay in the crook of his arm up on/by his chest. I feel safe, content, and loved as he holds me till I sleep. That is why it is so hard to go to sleep when he is not there.

I hope that he feels just as loved as I do. I hope everyone feels as loved as I do. I fell asleep again around 5 am with a smile on my face and these thoughts in my head.

Life isn't fair, but you know what it isn't fair for anyone

Hmmmm... so many things rolling around in my head these days. I don't know where to start or how. I guess the theme I see lately that is going on in some of my friends and family's lives is that some people really don't appreciate what they have. They also don't seem to notice or care how much their actions, words, or lack of actions seem to affect the ones that love them the most.

One area this seems to be consistent in life is those who suddenly feel that the grass is greener in an other pasture. Marriage and relationship are tough. But you know what, they are worth the time and effort. Those who feel like the grass is greener being single often forget to look at the grass they are standing on. Looking outward instead of inward. It is often not until they have climbed the fence and ran in that field that they realize that the grass where they were before is cushier, greener, and more nurturing. Then there are those that are single that do the same thing and settle for someone just to be married. Again it is often too late before they see where they are and where they were. We all need to open our eyes to where we are, not where others are. Chances are that the other people are looking at your field and feeling they are missing out.

Then there are people who decide that what they want is what needs to happen without consideration for those that have to deal with the consequences. My grandfather deciding that the wants to go home and have no one else go with him except my grandma is insanity. He has his kids all upset. My grandma is not in any condition to take care of a man who just had heart surgery on top of a mountain where it takes a bit to get there from the hospital. My grandma already has her own health problems to deal with. But that is not considered. It seems like he feels life is not fair because he has health issues. Well life isn't fair for anyone, so I guess it irritates me that those type of people tend to make it even less fair for those that love them.

One thing about my job is I get to see people who have pushed their loved ones to the edge. I get to see how their choices have made them people they can't stand. Losing their spouse, children, jobs, and so forth. I had a guy in yesterday that was homeless for years and is now finally back with his parents. He now appreciates all he had. They have made choices in life with drugs, crimes, and so forth. But I guess I look at it as we choose to decide to take things in our life for granted. We all fall victim to feeling bad about ourselves. Hopefully we snap out of it before we cause others more unfairness in life.

Accepting and Realizing

I am coming to terms with and finally feel okay with a lot of things in my life. Granted I am sure I will have days that certain things are going to rub me the wrong way. However, I awoke this morning with a strange calm and happiness. Seriously I did not sleep much (due to being up late doing my mixed "tapes" 3 of them for my Sean). But I awoke a half hour before my alarm and just had some good thoughts. It makes me kind of wonder if I had a dream I can't remember.

First, I am okay with where my family (not me and my living in the same house family as this does not apply) is in our relationship. I love my mom very much and things will and are working out. Time truly does make a big difference. I am also okay with being the grandchild that is not bragged about or really even talked about by my all my grandparents. I think that seeing how they looked at my sister for being the first and then never being very close to them really bugged me in life. But, so what! I don't have to prove myself worthy, I know that I am and that they love each of us in our own way, even if that means some are much more subtle. I know that when it counts I am there for them and have good reason why they can be proud of me. I also have found comfort in knowing that I am one that they don't have to worry about.

When it comes to my friends. Well there are some that I know I have done so much for and then later feel like I am not one that they think about when times are good. But again... oh well. I don't do those things to be rewarded. I do those things because that is who I am. Even if they don't notice, I do and those that love me know this as well. The reality is that I would do it all over again the same way. Plus there is a good feeling knowing that when times are tough they feel as though I am the one to help make it right... maybe they know it is my strength for them and it is needed at that time.

The important thing is that I continue to be who I am. That I am loved by someone that is so special to me... a part of me in many ways. We have something that I know others don't understand and that is pretty special. I have two crazy, unique, and loving kids who have more personality than some variety shows on TV have laughs. I have the support of some very important people who love me for who I am not who they think I should be.

I am truly blessed.

My Poor Hubby (cause he is married to a demanding geek)

I love my honey sooooo very much. I love that it seems the longer we are together the more we think alike or even say the same stupid lines from movies and so forth. I love that he likes that I can be a total strange gal with all sorts of "what if" scenarios that he has to try to figure out the right thing to say... yes, that is right... I am one of those... "If I lost all of the hair on my body, would you make fun of me but still love me" ( I really asked him this question the other day). His answer was that he would buy me crazy wigs and draw all different type of emotional eyebrows on me from day-to-day.

I also always have crazy dreams when it comes to him. I dreamt last night that I found out after being married to him for all this time that he was actually a different person. He was royalty but wanted to make sure that I loved him for him, so he didn't tell me until he could trust me. He had a whole bunch of siblings and crazy stuff. I was so ticked in my dream I just walked away. I know, poor guy always is doing stuff in my dreams to tick me off. I guess it is because he doesn't do that in real life, most of the time anyway.

So my newest craziest demand.... okay will nagging request....LOL. I want a mixed tape, well actually a cd. I want him to make me a cd of songs that remind him of me, us, and so forth. I know I am such a dork....LOL. But I want something to play in my car and think... wow this makes him think of me. What it will be all songs about crazy chicks who drive a man to drink....LOL. But can I tell you that I am so excited!!!! He started on it today...LOL, so I keep asking him if it is done.... I think he may add some songs just to tick me off for bugging him.

But I am happy to return the favor... songs that remind me of him. But of course I am smart enough to see what he give me first. :)

Dessa Mae - Admin Assistant Extraorinaire.

Well, miss Dessa has officially taken my previous job working for Troy. Congrat! She is nervous but it is because she under estimates herself. She is a good worker and is a quick learner. So she has nothing to worry about.

This was just my quick atta-girl for her today. You know you have help and resources so don't be scared to use them.