A few nights ago Sean and I were laying in bed cuddling. He looked so lovingly at me but then I guess I had a strange look on my face. When he asked what I was thinking (he only asks when I have that "hmmmm" deep thought look on my face, so don't think he is like us girls that ask all the time) I had the strangest time explaining it.
My thought was that I love the fact and the way that he loves me. Okay, so that is a good thought, why the strange look? Because the whole reason that was on my mind was that I knew he loves me for me, not who or what he thinks I should be. Now I've lost you....
My broken mind is that I know that I am afraid of becoming thin again. What??? Why??? Isn't that the goal all women have?
Let me explain this insanity that I am trying to work through and have for the last few years that this has really dawned on me. When I was younger and thinner, I felt really lost and not as valued. You see the girls all thought that because I was bigger in the breast area and small in the waist that I was always trying to steal attention or boyfriends. This was even the reaction I got from people that have known me for a long time, I just change by losing a ton of weight and growing in the other area. My personality did not change but my body did and that was enough for everyone to judge me.
Then I look at my past boyfriends or loves. In many ways I was something to show off. Please don't think I am conceded... I am not saying it was my beauty but my body. I never really felt my feeling and thoughts were cherished. It was what they felt I could do for them. Now, I know that a few of them really did care, but not in the manner that made me feel secure enough that if I gained weight or changed that I was sure of their reaction. Maybe it would have been okay, but in my mind I will never know. I felt like a toy that they got bored with and so they would leave, later they would remember it and come back. Many of my relationships were that way - together, apart, together, apart, ect. until one of us just had it or something better came along for them to enjoy.
Heck even Aubree's dad says things to me like, "I tell people that when we hooked up you were a lot hotter..." Now I feel that I am something to be ashamed of. So you would think that I would want to be thin again.
However, I feel I have pretty good friends that like me for my personality. I have Sean who loves me for my inner and outer beauty. I guess on a subconscious level I feel that if things change physically for me that I will be viewed differently and not valued. I know that this is not true with Sean. I think sometimes I cheat him out of what he should have, a wife with a confident body image. I just have to get over this mental issue and quit panicking when I start to lose weight. I guess it will come with time.
Crazy huh????
Yes, you ARE your own worst enemy. STOP IT!! Love you ...
ReplyDeleteKudos! Not only for registering the thoughts in your mind, but for sharing them! It's amazing what girls put themselves through! From the first day we are old enough to recognize the images in the grocery store magazines we start learning what we are expected to be. There is such a massive descrepancy between the "ideal" and the "real"; not to mention what it is men truely desire (all men I've dated don't want sticks!)
ReplyDeleteI think all women struggle with their confidence and body image. Even the "hottest" woman you know is unsure of her self and envious of the other women. It's pushed in our face by every womens magaznine: "you are not perfect, here are some tips to get a little closer to that perfection" LOL The love of a good man that loves you for you, no matter what your body does, is the most precious self esteem boost!