Tubling around in my head... Need to find a way to let it go.

So here is my venting or processing.

I find that I have helped create a mess in my life and then am dissatisfied with it.  There is the thought that we train people on how to treat us... so if we command respect we get it and if not then we shouldn't expect it.  I know that with my "friends" I tend to be the one that acts like certain things are not a big deal to me so as to not make the person feel bad.

Some examples - I had surgery and was scared to death.  Some "friends" forgot or kind of blew it off, so then later when it came up some sort of apologized.  I kept telling them that it was no big deal and I am sure they had many other things to worry about... it was okay that they weren't even there to ask how I was. 
Another, I send emails, messages, and phone calls but don't get anything in return until they are in a crisis and then they will make a comment like - thanks for listening, I know I haven't been the best friend - and so what do I do but assure them they are fine and not worry about it.

So I don't acknowledge the wrong and smooth it over.  I don't want that person to feel bad even if I feel terrible, hurt, or frustrated.  Then later I am shocked and hurt all over again when it happens yet again. 

I have never been the jealous or possessive friend.  I don't get easily offended when I am not invited to everything or overlooked.  I understand that certain events are a better fit for some people and other times it just happens to be a matter of timing when people get together. However, it does wear on you after a while because they do want you to not hold it against them but will hold it against you.  Heck, one time at a funeral my "friends" were inviting everyone over to talk about old times in dealing with the loss of someone and I was NOT invited - which was pretty clear to me with the hushed talking and so forth.   If the point was to hurt me, well you succeeded and now I need to let it go along with other things.  But again, I sweep it under the rug and don't confront. 

The one time I did it went badly and didn't change anything.  The reality of that situation was me standing up for my sister and the person was worried about losing my sister's friendship but more than happy to tell me where to stick it.  So I guess I only stand up to people when it is on behalf of others.  The other incidents are that I have broken-up with or discontinued friendships because I can't condone some things that they have been doing, but even then it is never anything that they have don't to me personally.

The problem is that I am torn because a person should do something because they want to - not because they are obligated.  So I take it that they don't feel obligated but only want me around when they reap the benefits. The times people have done things because of obligation it has been written all over the place.  You know, having to invite me because of my sister or parents.  Doing something because others around them expected it not because they wanted to.  I don't want that, but I also can't handle the one-sided friendships either.  So where do you draw the line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and saying I can't do this anymore.

When I was initially dealing with some pretty freaky health issues I did not know how to tell my friends and truthfully even some of my close family.  I felt like I am damn if I do and damn if I don't.  If I spill my fears and bring up things then I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking.  Which I am seeking some attention because I need to process what is going on.  The reactions I get are things that make me feel like I am being stupid, overacting, or the subject is changed.  So then I stop telling them anything and they get angry when they find out from other means.  The other thing that tends to happen is all the sudden I think some find it as a challenge - they have to tell me why things are so much worse for them and it almost feels like a dare to keep comparing.  So I flip over the topic of conversation to what is going on with them.

See that tends to be my way of any conversations now.  They ask how I am doing - I say fine - and then ask something specific about them because I know it is headed there anyway.  I know they are not going to ask me specifically unless it is play the challenge game.  Please don't think I am not aware that everyone has something going on.  I am even aware that some things others are going through really are very stressful and yes, worse then mine own issues.  I guess I just want an acknowledgment that what I am feeling or going through is stressful, frustrating, and I have a right to be worried or scared.   You know a conversation where people are there to take an interest in each other.  Listen, ask questions, and show concern for each other. 

I continue to try to be this good friend who shows up to do even physical labor when I know it needs to be done or the shoulder to cry on when needed.  But like I said it is taking it's toll.  I guess I want to just quit caring that others don't care.  Be the bigger person without a soft heart.  I need to quit expecting that things are going to change.  So why can't I?  Why can't I just accept this is the way things are?  They have been this way for most of my life... what is my problem?

I am scared right now.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that could be hardly nothing to well something.  I don't want to worry for nothing but my head will not stop running.  It would be nice to feel like I could just call someone and just talk it out....   But instead it is after midnight and I am typing it all out. 

Maybe in the light of day it won't seem so bad.  I mean who really cares in the long run.  Right?  I just need to let it go................................

Advice to My Daughter

When we are young we always can't wait until we grow up.  When we are grown up it seems like we wish we were younger.  The grass tends to be always greener making us want what we don't have.

I awoke today from dreams that took me through my tough teen years.  Ugh.  The frustration, heartache, and not knowing who you are was almost too much to bare.  It made me think of the things that I wish I would have know then but didn't.  Granted each person has to find their own way, but I thought about the things I want my daughter to know.

First, just because you  have known someone a long time and they say they are your "friend" does not mean they are.  There are people that rejoice in your pain and create drama in you life for entertainment value.  These can be people you are related to or people you have known most of your life.  I think something changes and if there is any sort of jealousy, some of your friends can't wait until you fall flat on your face.  Therefore, be careful who you surround yourself with.  Your friends should be there through the good and the bad.  Your real friends will tell you when they are concerned and why.  But your fake friends will set up situations for you to be confronted and humiliated in front of others.  They will also turn their backs on you in front of others they are trying to impress, only to come back later and act as though nothing happened.

Boys, oh boy.  I was doing great in life until I discovered boys.  :)  Some will be great friends and others will want more.  When you allow a boy into your heart do so cautiously.  Granted it seems that we don't always choose who we like, but you do have to take it slow.  If he really cares he will be there in time.   I think everyone has a broken heart of some sort in their life.  However, you can minimize the damage.  I believe my greatest mistake in life was not setting boundaries.  When you go your separate ways, break-up, be sure to let them know that you will not let them back.  I don't know that there is anything more painful then having someone come and go in your life whenever they want.  The constant keeping you shelved to see if there is something better only to return when they need an ego boost or are bored.

Happy to say the only man in my life that never did that is the one I am married to.  He made up his mind and never looked back. You can never feel as valued as that. However, most boys will not get to that point until they are much older and some never will.

Don't become something just because that is what people think you are.  Sometimes people treat you a certain way as they jump to conclusions.  These can be peers, parents, teachers, and so forth.  Getting caught up in their negative thinking can be easy when at times you have no idea who you are.  I was a young skinny girl with all the curves that made some think I must be "loose" or "flirty" when it came to boys.  After a while I just kind of gave in because in my mind if I was going to be treated that way I might as well be that girl.  However, I realize that all that did was validate them and allow them to do that to others.  It made me more lost and gave others more reasons to treat me in a manner that I never wanted.

Always pray.  As a teenager there are times you feel that no one can understand you.  Sometimes you can't even understand yourself and the emotions inside you.  Praying, even if it is in tears or just a few words, can make you feel that you are not alone.  Regardless of what your "friends" or a boy does to you, there is always someone that is interested and wants the best for you. 

Remember that no matter what, I will always love you.  Even if you roll your eyes.  Be true to who you are... at the core of it there is a beautiful woman waiting to grow.

Soundtrack Of Your Life

Music is such a powerful thing.  A song can come on that you have not heard for years but all the sudden you are time warped back.  Feelings, memories, faces, and even smells can come back. 

I heard a new song and it did the same thing.  What she was singing about just kind of time warped me back and I remembered heartache from long ago.  The words so powerful and the way she said them so familiar although it was not a song I had ever heard. 

This got me thinking about how each of us have soundtrack to our lives.  Soundtracks help us to remember parts of our beloved movies.  Well our own soundtrack reminds us parts of our life. 

So I have decided that this would be a fun challenge.... to make a soundtrack of my life.  The beginning will have a lot of old country as I remember listening to my grandfather, dad, cousins, and so forth play guitars and sing.  Then some rock as my mom used to listen to the Doors, Beatles, and so forth.  80's rock for when we moved and my sister introduced me to pop music.  90's songs for my teenage years full of first loves, horrible heartaches, and lots of change.  Some songs that remind me of meeting my husband and his obsession with the band Korn.  But in the mix songs that remind me due to their lyrics of some turning points in my life.  I do plan on doing this and adding it as a play list.  I think it will be interesting. 

I think that everyone has a soundtrack to their life.  I am just choosing to actually try to put one together.