Have you ever had the feeling that some people rejoice over your pain? That when things are going bad for you... all the sudden the sun seems to shine for them.
Growing up there were a few people in my life that seemed to react that way towards me. It seems that it really hasn't changed. Now I could be reading into is, that is possible, but I had a flashback today.
When I was younger there was an incident where everyone in a room waited for me to find out something they all knew would be painful. Matters of the heart. When I did, all eyes were on me for a reaction. I really did not react at all until I was home.
Now I am going through some stuff and well my life isn't so perfect. I let very little of it be known but should have just shut my mouth. I could see the glimmer in the eyes of another. I was easily dismissed and even kind of made fun of. I saw a similar look of satisfaction that I saw years ago. I was then discounted for my weight loss and effort. No congrats but rather how I am "doing it wrong."
I am just angry. I am so sick of being angry. But I do have to say that working out made me feel better. I just need to stick with that and focus.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Cracked
Weight down to 212.8, so almost 5 pounds in a week. That did put a smile on my face. I just have to keep it up.
I cracked last week. You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens. It changes the ability of the item. It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used. I have been all spun up.
I think I cracked so more last night. The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me. I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.
In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well. Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted. I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed. However, it just left me numb.
I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.
I cracked last week. You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens. It changes the ability of the item. It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used. I have been all spun up.
I think I cracked so more last night. The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me. I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.
In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well. Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted. I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed. However, it just left me numb.
I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Hanging by a Thread
I am hanging by a thread. I feel myself slipping away. I don't know who I am right now and even where I fit in. I am scared and lost.
I had someone give me an assignment: Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best? And what made it so great?
Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard. I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost. Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight. Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight. My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion. My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.
The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless. So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone. I am afraid I am self destructing... Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough. It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time. A good worker or good parent. A good daughter or a strong individual. Do I always have to choose? I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough. I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap. I have everything to lose. So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.
Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread. It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.
I had someone give me an assignment: Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best? And what made it so great?
Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard. I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost. Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight. Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight. My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion. My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.
The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless. So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone. I am afraid I am self destructing... Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough. It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time. A good worker or good parent. A good daughter or a strong individual. Do I always have to choose? I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough. I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap. I have everything to lose. So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.
Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread. It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.
Songwriters: Foster, Robert;Richards, Jann Arden
When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
Sunday, January 23, 2011
THE UGLY TRUTH
I went to a drug and mental health seminar Thursday and Friday of this week. There was a lot of very good information. Many things things that will help me help others. There was one thing that stuck with me. It was not new information, but just me thinking about me. When trauma happens in a person life they all deal with it different ways. Males tend to lash outward resulting in anger, aggression, and things people can visibly see. Females lash inward. They can become less socialize and tend to do things that hurt themselves. They over or under eat, act out sexually or pull way back sexually, and they are numb but emotional. I always lash inward. Right now I really don't want to be around anyone and I just want to hide under the fat and food that can be so easily consumed. But I can't do this to myself anymore cause like most things it just compounds the problems, never solving them.
I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable. I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me. They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has. Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this. However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves. What kind of damage am I doing to him? I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him. Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun. Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up. The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again. Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him. I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.
What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model? She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it. I can't hide from it.
I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case. But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through. Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.
I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable. I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me. They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has. Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this. However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves. What kind of damage am I doing to him? I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him. Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun. Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up. The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again. Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him. I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.
What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model? She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it. I can't hide from it.
I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case. But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through. Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.
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