Hanging by a Thread

I am hanging by a thread.  I feel myself slipping away.  I don't know who I am right now and even where I fit in.  I am scared and lost.

I had someone give me an assignment:  Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best?  And what made it so great? 

Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard.  I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost.  Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight.   Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight.  My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion.  My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.

The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless.  So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone.  I am afraid I am self destructing...  Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough.  It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time.  A good worker or good parent.  A good daughter or a strong individual.  Do I always have to choose?  I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough.  I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap.  I have everything to lose.  So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.

Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread.  It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.

Jann Arden - Hangin' By A Thread Lyrics

Songwriters: Foster, Robert;Richards, Jann Arden

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was