THE UGLY TRUTH

I went to a drug and mental health seminar Thursday and Friday of this week.  There was a lot of very good information.  Many things things that will help me help others.  There was one thing that stuck with me.  It was not new information, but just me thinking about me.  When trauma happens in a person life they all deal with it different ways.  Males tend to lash outward resulting in anger, aggression, and things people can visibly see.  Females lash inward.  They can become less socialize and tend to do things that hurt themselves. They over or under eat, act out sexually or pull way back sexually, and they are numb but emotional.  I always lash inward.  Right now I really don't want to be around anyone and I just want to hide under the fat and food that can be so easily consumed.  But I can't do this to myself anymore cause like most things it just compounds the problems, never solving them.

I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable.  I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me.  They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has.  Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this.  However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves.  What kind of damage am I doing to him?  I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him.  Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun.  Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up.  The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again.  Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him.  I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.

What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model?  She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself.  WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? 

So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it.  I can't hide from it. 

I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case.  But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through.  Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.