So here is my venting or processing.
I find that I have helped create a mess in my life and then am dissatisfied with it. There is the thought that we train people on how to treat us... so if we command respect we get it and if not then we shouldn't expect it. I know that with my "friends" I tend to be the one that acts like certain things are not a big deal to me so as to not make the person feel bad.
Some examples - I had surgery and was scared to death. Some "friends" forgot or kind of blew it off, so then later when it came up some sort of apologized. I kept telling them that it was no big deal and I am sure they had many other things to worry about... it was okay that they weren't even there to ask how I was.
Another, I send emails, messages, and phone calls but don't get anything in return until they are in a crisis and then they will make a comment like - thanks for listening, I know I haven't been the best friend - and so what do I do but assure them they are fine and not worry about it.
So I don't acknowledge the wrong and smooth it over. I don't want that person to feel bad even if I feel terrible, hurt, or frustrated. Then later I am shocked and hurt all over again when it happens yet again.
I have never been the jealous or possessive friend. I don't get easily offended when I am not invited to everything or overlooked. I understand that certain events are a better fit for some people and other times it just happens to be a matter of timing when people get together. However, it does wear on you after a while because they do want you to not hold it against them but will hold it against you. Heck, one time at a funeral my "friends" were inviting everyone over to talk about old times in dealing with the loss of someone and I was NOT invited - which was pretty clear to me with the hushed talking and so forth. If the point was to hurt me, well you succeeded and now I need to let it go along with other things. But again, I sweep it under the rug and don't confront.
The one time I did it went badly and didn't change anything. The reality of that situation was me standing up for my sister and the person was worried about losing my sister's friendship but more than happy to tell me where to stick it. So I guess I only stand up to people when it is on behalf of others. The other incidents are that I have broken-up with or discontinued friendships because I can't condone some things that they have been doing, but even then it is never anything that they have don't to me personally.
The problem is that I am torn because a person should do something because they want to - not because they are obligated. So I take it that they don't feel obligated but only want me around when they reap the benefits. The times people have done things because of obligation it has been written all over the place. You know, having to invite me because of my sister or parents. Doing something because others around them expected it not because they wanted to. I don't want that, but I also can't handle the one-sided friendships either. So where do you draw the line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and saying I can't do this anymore.
When I was initially dealing with some pretty freaky health issues I did not know how to tell my friends and truthfully even some of my close family. I felt like I am damn if I do and damn if I don't. If I spill my fears and bring up things then I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking. Which I am seeking some attention because I need to process what is going on. The reactions I get are things that make me feel like I am being stupid, overacting, or the subject is changed. So then I stop telling them anything and they get angry when they find out from other means. The other thing that tends to happen is all the sudden I think some find it as a challenge - they have to tell me why things are so much worse for them and it almost feels like a dare to keep comparing. So I flip over the topic of conversation to what is going on with them.
See that tends to be my way of any conversations now. They ask how I am doing - I say fine - and then ask something specific about them because I know it is headed there anyway. I know they are not going to ask me specifically unless it is play the challenge game. Please don't think I am not aware that everyone has something going on. I am even aware that some things others are going through really are very stressful and yes, worse then mine own issues. I guess I just want an acknowledgment that what I am feeling or going through is stressful, frustrating, and I have a right to be worried or scared. You know a conversation where people are there to take an interest in each other. Listen, ask questions, and show concern for each other.
I continue to try to be this good friend who shows up to do even physical labor when I know it needs to be done or the shoulder to cry on when needed. But like I said it is taking it's toll. I guess I want to just quit caring that others don't care. Be the bigger person without a soft heart. I need to quit expecting that things are going to change. So why can't I? Why can't I just accept this is the way things are? They have been this way for most of my life... what is my problem?
I am scared right now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that could be hardly nothing to well something. I don't want to worry for nothing but my head will not stop running. It would be nice to feel like I could just call someone and just talk it out.... But instead it is after midnight and I am typing it all out.
Maybe in the light of day it won't seem so bad. I mean who really cares in the long run. Right? I just need to let it go................................
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Advice to My Daughter
When we are young we always can't wait until we grow up. When we are grown up it seems like we wish we were younger. The grass tends to be always greener making us want what we don't have.
I awoke today from dreams that took me through my tough teen years. Ugh. The frustration, heartache, and not knowing who you are was almost too much to bare. It made me think of the things that I wish I would have know then but didn't. Granted each person has to find their own way, but I thought about the things I want my daughter to know.
First, just because you have known someone a long time and they say they are your "friend" does not mean they are. There are people that rejoice in your pain and create drama in you life for entertainment value. These can be people you are related to or people you have known most of your life. I think something changes and if there is any sort of jealousy, some of your friends can't wait until you fall flat on your face. Therefore, be careful who you surround yourself with. Your friends should be there through the good and the bad. Your real friends will tell you when they are concerned and why. But your fake friends will set up situations for you to be confronted and humiliated in front of others. They will also turn their backs on you in front of others they are trying to impress, only to come back later and act as though nothing happened.
Boys, oh boy. I was doing great in life until I discovered boys. :) Some will be great friends and others will want more. When you allow a boy into your heart do so cautiously. Granted it seems that we don't always choose who we like, but you do have to take it slow. If he really cares he will be there in time. I think everyone has a broken heart of some sort in their life. However, you can minimize the damage. I believe my greatest mistake in life was not setting boundaries. When you go your separate ways, break-up, be sure to let them know that you will not let them back. I don't know that there is anything more painful then having someone come and go in your life whenever they want. The constant keeping you shelved to see if there is something better only to return when they need an ego boost or are bored.
Happy to say the only man in my life that never did that is the one I am married to. He made up his mind and never looked back. You can never feel as valued as that. However, most boys will not get to that point until they are much older and some never will.
Don't become something just because that is what people think you are. Sometimes people treat you a certain way as they jump to conclusions. These can be peers, parents, teachers, and so forth. Getting caught up in their negative thinking can be easy when at times you have no idea who you are. I was a young skinny girl with all the curves that made some think I must be "loose" or "flirty" when it came to boys. After a while I just kind of gave in because in my mind if I was going to be treated that way I might as well be that girl. However, I realize that all that did was validate them and allow them to do that to others. It made me more lost and gave others more reasons to treat me in a manner that I never wanted.
Always pray. As a teenager there are times you feel that no one can understand you. Sometimes you can't even understand yourself and the emotions inside you. Praying, even if it is in tears or just a few words, can make you feel that you are not alone. Regardless of what your "friends" or a boy does to you, there is always someone that is interested and wants the best for you.
Remember that no matter what, I will always love you. Even if you roll your eyes. Be true to who you are... at the core of it there is a beautiful woman waiting to grow.
I awoke today from dreams that took me through my tough teen years. Ugh. The frustration, heartache, and not knowing who you are was almost too much to bare. It made me think of the things that I wish I would have know then but didn't. Granted each person has to find their own way, but I thought about the things I want my daughter to know.
First, just because you have known someone a long time and they say they are your "friend" does not mean they are. There are people that rejoice in your pain and create drama in you life for entertainment value. These can be people you are related to or people you have known most of your life. I think something changes and if there is any sort of jealousy, some of your friends can't wait until you fall flat on your face. Therefore, be careful who you surround yourself with. Your friends should be there through the good and the bad. Your real friends will tell you when they are concerned and why. But your fake friends will set up situations for you to be confronted and humiliated in front of others. They will also turn their backs on you in front of others they are trying to impress, only to come back later and act as though nothing happened.
Boys, oh boy. I was doing great in life until I discovered boys. :) Some will be great friends and others will want more. When you allow a boy into your heart do so cautiously. Granted it seems that we don't always choose who we like, but you do have to take it slow. If he really cares he will be there in time. I think everyone has a broken heart of some sort in their life. However, you can minimize the damage. I believe my greatest mistake in life was not setting boundaries. When you go your separate ways, break-up, be sure to let them know that you will not let them back. I don't know that there is anything more painful then having someone come and go in your life whenever they want. The constant keeping you shelved to see if there is something better only to return when they need an ego boost or are bored.
Happy to say the only man in my life that never did that is the one I am married to. He made up his mind and never looked back. You can never feel as valued as that. However, most boys will not get to that point until they are much older and some never will.
Don't become something just because that is what people think you are. Sometimes people treat you a certain way as they jump to conclusions. These can be peers, parents, teachers, and so forth. Getting caught up in their negative thinking can be easy when at times you have no idea who you are. I was a young skinny girl with all the curves that made some think I must be "loose" or "flirty" when it came to boys. After a while I just kind of gave in because in my mind if I was going to be treated that way I might as well be that girl. However, I realize that all that did was validate them and allow them to do that to others. It made me more lost and gave others more reasons to treat me in a manner that I never wanted.
Always pray. As a teenager there are times you feel that no one can understand you. Sometimes you can't even understand yourself and the emotions inside you. Praying, even if it is in tears or just a few words, can make you feel that you are not alone. Regardless of what your "friends" or a boy does to you, there is always someone that is interested and wants the best for you.
Remember that no matter what, I will always love you. Even if you roll your eyes. Be true to who you are... at the core of it there is a beautiful woman waiting to grow.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Soundtrack Of Your Life
Music is such a powerful thing. A song can come on that you have not heard for years but all the sudden you are time warped back. Feelings, memories, faces, and even smells can come back.
I heard a new song and it did the same thing. What she was singing about just kind of time warped me back and I remembered heartache from long ago. The words so powerful and the way she said them so familiar although it was not a song I had ever heard.
This got me thinking about how each of us have soundtrack to our lives. Soundtracks help us to remember parts of our beloved movies. Well our own soundtrack reminds us parts of our life.
So I have decided that this would be a fun challenge.... to make a soundtrack of my life. The beginning will have a lot of old country as I remember listening to my grandfather, dad, cousins, and so forth play guitars and sing. Then some rock as my mom used to listen to the Doors, Beatles, and so forth. 80's rock for when we moved and my sister introduced me to pop music. 90's songs for my teenage years full of first loves, horrible heartaches, and lots of change. Some songs that remind me of meeting my husband and his obsession with the band Korn. But in the mix songs that remind me due to their lyrics of some turning points in my life. I do plan on doing this and adding it as a play list. I think it will be interesting.
I think that everyone has a soundtrack to their life. I am just choosing to actually try to put one together.
I heard a new song and it did the same thing. What she was singing about just kind of time warped me back and I remembered heartache from long ago. The words so powerful and the way she said them so familiar although it was not a song I had ever heard.
This got me thinking about how each of us have soundtrack to our lives. Soundtracks help us to remember parts of our beloved movies. Well our own soundtrack reminds us parts of our life.
So I have decided that this would be a fun challenge.... to make a soundtrack of my life. The beginning will have a lot of old country as I remember listening to my grandfather, dad, cousins, and so forth play guitars and sing. Then some rock as my mom used to listen to the Doors, Beatles, and so forth. 80's rock for when we moved and my sister introduced me to pop music. 90's songs for my teenage years full of first loves, horrible heartaches, and lots of change. Some songs that remind me of meeting my husband and his obsession with the band Korn. But in the mix songs that remind me due to their lyrics of some turning points in my life. I do plan on doing this and adding it as a play list. I think it will be interesting.
I think that everyone has a soundtrack to their life. I am just choosing to actually try to put one together.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday - Fun and Frustration
As a veteran retail worker this day still brings floods of memories... like flash backs. I worked retail for 12 years, 10 at Target (1995-2005) and 2 at Musicland (1992-1995).
I can honestly say that there was nothing more fun then the first few hours of that Friday morning. Watching people run like it was some sort of game show they were on. The smart ones left their children and the elderly home to avoid losing part of their group. As the employees you knew you stayed out of the way for the first 20 to 30 minutes and then manned your station. All the while wondering why you were not trained by the SWAT team in riot and crowd control tactics.
I am a survivor of the Tickle Me Elmo, Ferbies, Nintendo 64, PlayStation 2, and other "newest" or "hottest" item of the year. I remember with the stupid Ferbie frenzies that right before the front doors were open some yelled that all the Ferbies were in the Lingerie department. Herds of people ran over to the Lingerie department shoving and pushing just to find nightgown, robes, bras, and underwear.... no Ferbies as they would of course be in the Toy department. I guess the smart person that said that probably had an armful at the register before the other shoppers even made it to the Toy department. With these fun times came being yelled at, accused of hiding items, ran into, threatened, and called some pretty harsh and horrible names.
I also remember when they used to have the special handouts/prizes for the first 100 or so shoppers. You know like game pieces they took to the Toy department to see if they won a car. Special discounts only available in the nice grab bag the shoppers got from camping out all night and protecting their right to walk through the door before the majority of the other people. The reality was that most of the grab bag tend to have coupons for batteries and buy one get one free. They quit doing that sort of thing because I think it got too dangerous. In the little town of Boise we almost had our doors broken as people were pushing people and the doors prior to opening. I cannot imagine the amount of people that were trampled or hurt due to the greedy monster that took over others in line.
The door busting electronic!!!! I worked different years in the electronic department. Every year there was some stereo and camera that were priced so low that you knew you were going to run out before the second hours was done. One year we had an abundance of the stereo so we had both sides of an entire aisle filled with them as well as eye level shelves on both sides of the outside of electronics. We had to put the rest on "risers" or the highest shelf in electronic because there was NO way we were going to be able to have a pallet brought from all the way from the back of the store to electronics. People started climbing the outer side of electronic - the computer game wall in Music and Movies and knocking the stereo's over on the people in that aisle. The stupid thing was that there was still an entire aisle of them and they were knocking them over not towards them so it was nothing but dangerous. The sad thing is that due to the cheapness, rough handling, or whatever, about half of those door busting electronics were usually returned due to not working.
The worse thing was being scheduled to close. You got there when everyone is grouchy and the store is sooooo messy you don't see much of an end in sight. You remember when I likened the opening of the doors to a game show.... well the participants seemed to split up and grab everything they could and meet back (usually by a scanner or in the girls clothing department) and go through what they had and dump a ton of stuff on the floor as it was duplicates or unwanted. It was your job to pick it all up, sort it, and then put the stuff back in your designated area. Plus, you still had to deal with the customers that were not finding anything left and tired as they had been up since most likely 4 am at other stores. My favorite was that they would all be genuinely shocked that you were out of the items with the best prices or that were the hottest. It was like they did not notice the other hundreds of people that are walking around like angry zombies too. Only they had the idea to come out and only they knew about the sale. Somehow you personally made it so that they would waste their time coming in just to frustrate them with this cruel joke.
Most of the time it was hard to get people to leave the store. I think they were in some sort of hope that you would find a pallet of goods hidden or didn't want to go home disappointed. Finally when they did go you were happy because at least if you fixed one area it would stay fixed. Most of the time we gave up around 2 am and called it good. The truck team came in around 4 am and fixed as they stocked some areas. Only to hope that you were scheduled as a mid worker tomorrow because you would rather work with little sleep then have to close again.
The biggest and busiest shopping day of the year - thanks for all the memories good and bad. And NO I am not a shopper on that day no matter the deals in the ads.
I can honestly say that there was nothing more fun then the first few hours of that Friday morning. Watching people run like it was some sort of game show they were on. The smart ones left their children and the elderly home to avoid losing part of their group. As the employees you knew you stayed out of the way for the first 20 to 30 minutes and then manned your station. All the while wondering why you were not trained by the SWAT team in riot and crowd control tactics.
I am a survivor of the Tickle Me Elmo, Ferbies, Nintendo 64, PlayStation 2, and other "newest" or "hottest" item of the year. I remember with the stupid Ferbie frenzies that right before the front doors were open some yelled that all the Ferbies were in the Lingerie department. Herds of people ran over to the Lingerie department shoving and pushing just to find nightgown, robes, bras, and underwear.... no Ferbies as they would of course be in the Toy department. I guess the smart person that said that probably had an armful at the register before the other shoppers even made it to the Toy department. With these fun times came being yelled at, accused of hiding items, ran into, threatened, and called some pretty harsh and horrible names.
I also remember when they used to have the special handouts/prizes for the first 100 or so shoppers. You know like game pieces they took to the Toy department to see if they won a car. Special discounts only available in the nice grab bag the shoppers got from camping out all night and protecting their right to walk through the door before the majority of the other people. The reality was that most of the grab bag tend to have coupons for batteries and buy one get one free. They quit doing that sort of thing because I think it got too dangerous. In the little town of Boise we almost had our doors broken as people were pushing people and the doors prior to opening. I cannot imagine the amount of people that were trampled or hurt due to the greedy monster that took over others in line.
The door busting electronic!!!! I worked different years in the electronic department. Every year there was some stereo and camera that were priced so low that you knew you were going to run out before the second hours was done. One year we had an abundance of the stereo so we had both sides of an entire aisle filled with them as well as eye level shelves on both sides of the outside of electronics. We had to put the rest on "risers" or the highest shelf in electronic because there was NO way we were going to be able to have a pallet brought from all the way from the back of the store to electronics. People started climbing the outer side of electronic - the computer game wall in Music and Movies and knocking the stereo's over on the people in that aisle. The stupid thing was that there was still an entire aisle of them and they were knocking them over not towards them so it was nothing but dangerous. The sad thing is that due to the cheapness, rough handling, or whatever, about half of those door busting electronics were usually returned due to not working.
Note the blonde woman looking like she is in the fight of her life.
The worse thing was being scheduled to close. You got there when everyone is grouchy and the store is sooooo messy you don't see much of an end in sight. You remember when I likened the opening of the doors to a game show.... well the participants seemed to split up and grab everything they could and meet back (usually by a scanner or in the girls clothing department) and go through what they had and dump a ton of stuff on the floor as it was duplicates or unwanted. It was your job to pick it all up, sort it, and then put the stuff back in your designated area. Plus, you still had to deal with the customers that were not finding anything left and tired as they had been up since most likely 4 am at other stores. My favorite was that they would all be genuinely shocked that you were out of the items with the best prices or that were the hottest. It was like they did not notice the other hundreds of people that are walking around like angry zombies too. Only they had the idea to come out and only they knew about the sale. Somehow you personally made it so that they would waste their time coming in just to frustrate them with this cruel joke.
Most of the time it was hard to get people to leave the store. I think they were in some sort of hope that you would find a pallet of goods hidden or didn't want to go home disappointed. Finally when they did go you were happy because at least if you fixed one area it would stay fixed. Most of the time we gave up around 2 am and called it good. The truck team came in around 4 am and fixed as they stocked some areas. Only to hope that you were scheduled as a mid worker tomorrow because you would rather work with little sleep then have to close again.
The biggest and busiest shopping day of the year - thanks for all the memories good and bad. And NO I am not a shopper on that day no matter the deals in the ads.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Postive Things To Remember
My mother-in-law sent a little book to my daughter titled "50 things to Always Remember" by Douglas Pagles. It has very good up building personal sayings and thoughts to build you up. I of course had to read it and loved a lot of the little sayings. So I guess I am using them to get myself more up built and positive.
The one that I feel I needed right now is:
So when it seems like you're getting overlooked and under-appreciated, find some reassurance and comfort in quietly saying this: I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
I think most of us feel overlooked in life, especially at one time or another. I think most of us feel under-appreciated. We see our effort and we know our heart. This is something that most people have no insight into.
However, I also think we are just as guilty in judging others or feeling we know their motivations or efforts as well. We live in a world that takes all of our energy and concentration most of the time. Therefore, we don't get a chance to REALLY see what is going on with others. Therefore, we assume we know and are easily let down. I know that some of my own frustration is in not understanding why some don't act as though they care. Maybe they do but all their energy and effort is tied up in something else that is taking priority in their life. Maybe they don't care.
Bottom line is that I have to worry about me. Easier said than done. However, I do know I have a very wonderful heart and that I am more than what most people see (some because they don't want to and others because they can't).
The one that I feel I needed right now is:
So when it seems like you're getting overlooked and under-appreciated, find some reassurance and comfort in quietly saying this: I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
I think most of us feel overlooked in life, especially at one time or another. I think most of us feel under-appreciated. We see our effort and we know our heart. This is something that most people have no insight into.
However, I also think we are just as guilty in judging others or feeling we know their motivations or efforts as well. We live in a world that takes all of our energy and concentration most of the time. Therefore, we don't get a chance to REALLY see what is going on with others. Therefore, we assume we know and are easily let down. I know that some of my own frustration is in not understanding why some don't act as though they care. Maybe they do but all their energy and effort is tied up in something else that is taking priority in their life. Maybe they don't care.
Bottom line is that I have to worry about me. Easier said than done. However, I do know I have a very wonderful heart and that I am more than what most people see (some because they don't want to and others because they can't).
Monday, November 22, 2010
A Change and Some Reflection
CHANGE:
So Jo started using her's to blog about her trip and well I am a follower of what they are doing because I love them and wish I was there. This turn got me to think about my blog. I am going to use it more often. It may be me venting or it may be me just thinking out loud. I just have so much in my head that I need it to go somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. Plus people don't have to read it if they don't want to.
I think in a round about way I try to vent or express discontent just to get it out on Facebook, but then all that does is get a lot of people either mad, confused, or I don't really say what I want to. This is public but much more private and I can handle that. It is a journal that IF someone is interested in they can look at it but is won't pop up in their face for them to scan when they don't want to.
REFLECTION:
This has been a very challenging year for so many people. For me I lost my grandpa, my other grandpa that I was trying to get some information from as he has not been in my life since I was small,my great uncle, my grandma (who I miss more than I thought I would), a friend decided to take his life, and I recently loss my dog. Ugh. Lots of loss. It is funny because I think with the loss of each, yep even the dog, I have gained a different perspective on other things in my life. I feel the loss but I also see what I had and feel fortunate in other areas.
With the passing of my grandfathers I learned that life is too short to hold a grudge. Time marches on whether fences are mended or not. Each person has their own regrets and their own triumphs... but the score ceases to matter after a while.
I think with my grandma I gained the perspective of how a quiet person can have such an impact on others. I learned that you can be loving to others and still stand by your convictions. Consistency and real love can make all the difference even though each person around you is caught up in their own problems. I've learned what it really meant to have a grandparent and realized that she has been the one true consistence in my life in that regard.
With the loss of a friend to suicide I learned that you have to not judge and realize we never know what each person is dealing with regardless of a smile on their face. I also learned that holding stuff in can't be good for you. I think the most important thing I learned and need to remind myself is, that I have outgrown some immaturity and the desire to be in the "in" crowd with the people I grew up with. Life isn't a popularity contest and the people that really care will not always be the people you think of when the word "friend" comes up.
Sadly the loss of my dog taught me to not take things for granted. Most of all it taught me that I am responsible and brave when it comes to doing what needs to be done even if it hurts and makes me cry.
The last big impact this year has been with my tumor in my uterus. The stress and worry that came from and still comes from that was more than what I could voice. I felt like if I discussed it then I was a "drama queen" or that others felt they needed to compete. I still have to deal with this even after the surgery. I have an appointment with an oncologist due to the tumor testing results finding it a Borderline Serous Ovarian Tumor which is but is not cancer... (I don't know it is all confusing). I have to meet with this doctor and it may be just an education about what it was and what to look for if the other ovary starts to act up... or it could be more depending on what she recommends. Part of me just wants to avoid and the other part wants to be as proactive as possible. I know it could be worse and I shouldn't complain, but I need to somewhere don't I. Can't I be upset that life isn't fair and somethings continue to just frustrate me in this 33 year old body.
**** But I have learned about who is really there for ME and who is there for show****
I am blessed in that way.
This year (as in previous years) has made me very aware of what a wonderful and loving husband I have. He is my rock and even when he doesn't know what to do or say he finds a way of showing me that he loves me very much.
So Jo started using her's to blog about her trip and well I am a follower of what they are doing because I love them and wish I was there. This turn got me to think about my blog. I am going to use it more often. It may be me venting or it may be me just thinking out loud. I just have so much in my head that I need it to go somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. Plus people don't have to read it if they don't want to.
I think in a round about way I try to vent or express discontent just to get it out on Facebook, but then all that does is get a lot of people either mad, confused, or I don't really say what I want to. This is public but much more private and I can handle that. It is a journal that IF someone is interested in they can look at it but is won't pop up in their face for them to scan when they don't want to.
REFLECTION:
This has been a very challenging year for so many people. For me I lost my grandpa, my other grandpa that I was trying to get some information from as he has not been in my life since I was small,my great uncle, my grandma (who I miss more than I thought I would), a friend decided to take his life, and I recently loss my dog. Ugh. Lots of loss. It is funny because I think with the loss of each, yep even the dog, I have gained a different perspective on other things in my life. I feel the loss but I also see what I had and feel fortunate in other areas.
With the passing of my grandfathers I learned that life is too short to hold a grudge. Time marches on whether fences are mended or not. Each person has their own regrets and their own triumphs... but the score ceases to matter after a while.
I think with my grandma I gained the perspective of how a quiet person can have such an impact on others. I learned that you can be loving to others and still stand by your convictions. Consistency and real love can make all the difference even though each person around you is caught up in their own problems. I've learned what it really meant to have a grandparent and realized that she has been the one true consistence in my life in that regard.
With the loss of a friend to suicide I learned that you have to not judge and realize we never know what each person is dealing with regardless of a smile on their face. I also learned that holding stuff in can't be good for you. I think the most important thing I learned and need to remind myself is, that I have outgrown some immaturity and the desire to be in the "in" crowd with the people I grew up with. Life isn't a popularity contest and the people that really care will not always be the people you think of when the word "friend" comes up.
Sadly the loss of my dog taught me to not take things for granted. Most of all it taught me that I am responsible and brave when it comes to doing what needs to be done even if it hurts and makes me cry.
The last big impact this year has been with my tumor in my uterus. The stress and worry that came from and still comes from that was more than what I could voice. I felt like if I discussed it then I was a "drama queen" or that others felt they needed to compete. I still have to deal with this even after the surgery. I have an appointment with an oncologist due to the tumor testing results finding it a Borderline Serous Ovarian Tumor which is but is not cancer... (I don't know it is all confusing). I have to meet with this doctor and it may be just an education about what it was and what to look for if the other ovary starts to act up... or it could be more depending on what she recommends. Part of me just wants to avoid and the other part wants to be as proactive as possible. I know it could be worse and I shouldn't complain, but I need to somewhere don't I. Can't I be upset that life isn't fair and somethings continue to just frustrate me in this 33 year old body.
**** But I have learned about who is really there for ME and who is there for show****
I am blessed in that way.
This year (as in previous years) has made me very aware of what a wonderful and loving husband I have. He is my rock and even when he doesn't know what to do or say he finds a way of showing me that he loves me very much.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Coming Down
So I have been sad and frustrated. I know it doesn't solve anything but actually makes things worse. I isolate myself and just kind of give up in people.
I still have that raw pain and emotion that I am hanging on but it is not as throbbing. I have been trying to lay low but not too low. I often wonder if everyone goes through a cycle of frustration. You know where there is something that is not going to change and they accept it, but after a while kind of have an explosion of it back building on them.
The reason I am alone or don't have a lot of close friends is because I don't put myself out there. Or when I do and it doesn't turn out the way I think it should have, I say that's okay and pull completely back. I have friends that literally will stand me up or only call when they need something. I always say it is no big deal. However, it is and but I allow it. I trained them.
So is it bad now I am doing the same thing? I am going to call on them when I need something.
I still have that raw pain and emotion that I am hanging on but it is not as throbbing. I have been trying to lay low but not too low. I often wonder if everyone goes through a cycle of frustration. You know where there is something that is not going to change and they accept it, but after a while kind of have an explosion of it back building on them.
The reason I am alone or don't have a lot of close friends is because I don't put myself out there. Or when I do and it doesn't turn out the way I think it should have, I say that's okay and pull completely back. I have friends that literally will stand me up or only call when they need something. I always say it is no big deal. However, it is and but I allow it. I trained them.
So is it bad now I am doing the same thing? I am going to call on them when I need something.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
NO! I AM NOT OKAY AND THANKS FOR ASKING!
I am fairly certain as I have not written on this for such a long time that no one reads it. Which is fine because I need to vent just to vent. Say it just to say it.
I have lost my grandpa, my great uncle (who by all purposes was my grandpa for the many years his brother was not there for me), my other biological grandpa, and my grandma all since December. There is something strange that happens to your mind when you have that much loss in such a short amount of time.
My grandpa. I loved him and always wanted to know he loved me. A split in our family made it difficult for a relationship and I always felt we just were not important. Not to mention that at pivotal points in my life he was invited but never showed. Later after me losing it with him and time, we finally started to have a relationship. It was after he was already dying from cancer. I have regrets but also feel cheated. I was angry but at the same time calm that at least something changed.
My uncle. He was a family man. There for his own and then some. He was there at pivotal points in my life. He made me feel loved and special. But he also had a ton of his own grandchildren and I never wanted to feel like I was in the way. I miss him. Every family gathering I looked for him and talked with him.
My other grandpa. Same story other side. I never really had a relationship with him as yet another split happened and it did not go well. I contacted him about 2 years ago asking if I could have pictures of my mother as I had never seen her younger than 2 years old. We talked on the phone but he too was aged and not really in the best place to cultivate a relationship. His is a relationship I will never have the chance for. I never got the pictures and feel that all was lost.
My grandma. I loved her. She was THE grandparent (other than my great grandma) that I felt loved me for me. She stood up for me a few times and in her own quiet way let me know that no matter what she was there for me. I was blessed to be one of the ones with her as she just stopped breathing. I have this huge whole in my heart from her being gone. It aches and I feel a bit lost. Like I don't know who I am or if I am okay.
I have two remaining grandparents and the funny thing is that they really don't notice me. At my grandpa's funeral, my grandma was so upset (as that was her brother... yes we are inbred). I could understand her not asking if I was okay or taking the time to talk to me. But at my grandma's funeral (her ex-sister in law) she didn't really talk to me. I attempted 3 times and finally made her talk to me but was dismissed very easily so she could talk to people she didn't really know. No real concern for me or even desire to spend time with me.
So there must be something wrong with me. What is it about me that is just so easily dismissed? What is there that makes me so not loved? Everyone LOVES my sister as do I. There is something about her that just draws you to her. But me, well .... I don't know. I even see that with my friends. We all grew up together but if they see me, they ask me how she is doing... not me. We both lost the same people, we both cry, we both were close with the one grandma and not that close with our grandpas. Well maybe that is not true, as my grandpa loved her and doted on her as the first grandchild. But he missed major moments in her life too.
No. I am not okay. But really I don't expect anyone to notice. I will deal with it and move on.
Well my husband notices and he cares. But notes too that there is no answer. I am just worried that he too will stop caring. Then what will I have left. What is it about me?
I have lost my grandpa, my great uncle (who by all purposes was my grandpa for the many years his brother was not there for me), my other biological grandpa, and my grandma all since December. There is something strange that happens to your mind when you have that much loss in such a short amount of time.
My grandpa. I loved him and always wanted to know he loved me. A split in our family made it difficult for a relationship and I always felt we just were not important. Not to mention that at pivotal points in my life he was invited but never showed. Later after me losing it with him and time, we finally started to have a relationship. It was after he was already dying from cancer. I have regrets but also feel cheated. I was angry but at the same time calm that at least something changed.
My uncle. He was a family man. There for his own and then some. He was there at pivotal points in my life. He made me feel loved and special. But he also had a ton of his own grandchildren and I never wanted to feel like I was in the way. I miss him. Every family gathering I looked for him and talked with him.
My other grandpa. Same story other side. I never really had a relationship with him as yet another split happened and it did not go well. I contacted him about 2 years ago asking if I could have pictures of my mother as I had never seen her younger than 2 years old. We talked on the phone but he too was aged and not really in the best place to cultivate a relationship. His is a relationship I will never have the chance for. I never got the pictures and feel that all was lost.
My grandma. I loved her. She was THE grandparent (other than my great grandma) that I felt loved me for me. She stood up for me a few times and in her own quiet way let me know that no matter what she was there for me. I was blessed to be one of the ones with her as she just stopped breathing. I have this huge whole in my heart from her being gone. It aches and I feel a bit lost. Like I don't know who I am or if I am okay.
I have two remaining grandparents and the funny thing is that they really don't notice me. At my grandpa's funeral, my grandma was so upset (as that was her brother... yes we are inbred). I could understand her not asking if I was okay or taking the time to talk to me. But at my grandma's funeral (her ex-sister in law) she didn't really talk to me. I attempted 3 times and finally made her talk to me but was dismissed very easily so she could talk to people she didn't really know. No real concern for me or even desire to spend time with me.
So there must be something wrong with me. What is it about me that is just so easily dismissed? What is there that makes me so not loved? Everyone LOVES my sister as do I. There is something about her that just draws you to her. But me, well .... I don't know. I even see that with my friends. We all grew up together but if they see me, they ask me how she is doing... not me. We both lost the same people, we both cry, we both were close with the one grandma and not that close with our grandpas. Well maybe that is not true, as my grandpa loved her and doted on her as the first grandchild. But he missed major moments in her life too.
No. I am not okay. But really I don't expect anyone to notice. I will deal with it and move on.
Well my husband notices and he cares. But notes too that there is no answer. I am just worried that he too will stop caring. Then what will I have left. What is it about me?
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