I am fairly certain as I have not written on this for such a long time that no one reads it. Which is fine because I need to vent just to vent. Say it just to say it.
I have lost my grandpa, my great uncle (who by all purposes was my grandpa for the many years his brother was not there for me), my other biological grandpa, and my grandma all since December. There is something strange that happens to your mind when you have that much loss in such a short amount of time.
My grandpa. I loved him and always wanted to know he loved me. A split in our family made it difficult for a relationship and I always felt we just were not important. Not to mention that at pivotal points in my life he was invited but never showed. Later after me losing it with him and time, we finally started to have a relationship. It was after he was already dying from cancer. I have regrets but also feel cheated. I was angry but at the same time calm that at least something changed.
My uncle. He was a family man. There for his own and then some. He was there at pivotal points in my life. He made me feel loved and special. But he also had a ton of his own grandchildren and I never wanted to feel like I was in the way. I miss him. Every family gathering I looked for him and talked with him.
My other grandpa. Same story other side. I never really had a relationship with him as yet another split happened and it did not go well. I contacted him about 2 years ago asking if I could have pictures of my mother as I had never seen her younger than 2 years old. We talked on the phone but he too was aged and not really in the best place to cultivate a relationship. His is a relationship I will never have the chance for. I never got the pictures and feel that all was lost.
My grandma. I loved her. She was THE grandparent (other than my great grandma) that I felt loved me for me. She stood up for me a few times and in her own quiet way let me know that no matter what she was there for me. I was blessed to be one of the ones with her as she just stopped breathing. I have this huge whole in my heart from her being gone. It aches and I feel a bit lost. Like I don't know who I am or if I am okay.
I have two remaining grandparents and the funny thing is that they really don't notice me. At my grandpa's funeral, my grandma was so upset (as that was her brother... yes we are inbred). I could understand her not asking if I was okay or taking the time to talk to me. But at my grandma's funeral (her ex-sister in law) she didn't really talk to me. I attempted 3 times and finally made her talk to me but was dismissed very easily so she could talk to people she didn't really know. No real concern for me or even desire to spend time with me.
So there must be something wrong with me. What is it about me that is just so easily dismissed? What is there that makes me so not loved? Everyone LOVES my sister as do I. There is something about her that just draws you to her. But me, well .... I don't know. I even see that with my friends. We all grew up together but if they see me, they ask me how she is doing... not me. We both lost the same people, we both cry, we both were close with the one grandma and not that close with our grandpas. Well maybe that is not true, as my grandpa loved her and doted on her as the first grandchild. But he missed major moments in her life too.
No. I am not okay. But really I don't expect anyone to notice. I will deal with it and move on.
Well my husband notices and he cares. But notes too that there is no answer. I am just worried that he too will stop caring. Then what will I have left. What is it about me?
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