A Change and Some Reflection

CHANGE:

So Jo started using her's to blog about her trip and well I am a follower of what they are doing because I love them and wish I was there. This turn got me to think about my blog. I am going to use it more often. It may be me venting or it may be me just thinking out loud. I just have so much in my head that I need it to go somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. Plus people don't have to read it if they don't want to.

I think in a round about way I try to vent or express discontent just to get it out on Facebook, but then all that does is get a lot of people either mad, confused, or I don't really say what I want to. This is public but much more private and I can handle that. It is a journal that IF someone is interested in they can look at it but is won't pop up in their face for them to scan when they don't want to.

REFLECTION:

This has been a very challenging year for so many people. For me I lost my grandpa, my other grandpa that I was trying to get some information from as he has not been in my life since I was small,my great uncle, my grandma (who I miss more than I thought I would), a friend decided to take his life, and I recently loss my dog. Ugh. Lots of loss. It is funny because I think with the loss of each, yep even the dog, I have gained a different perspective on other things in my life. I feel the loss but I also see what I had and feel fortunate in other areas.

With the passing of my grandfathers I learned that life is too short to hold a grudge. Time marches on whether fences are mended or not. Each person has their own regrets and their own triumphs... but the score ceases to matter after a while.

I think with my grandma I gained the perspective of how a quiet person can have such an impact on others. I learned that you can be loving to others and still stand by your convictions. Consistency and real love can make all the difference even though each person around you is caught up in their own problems. I've learned what it really meant to have a grandparent and realized that she has been the one true consistence in my life in that regard.

With the loss of a friend to suicide I learned that you have to not judge and realize we never know what each person is dealing with regardless of a smile on their face. I also learned that holding stuff in can't be good for you. I think the most important thing I learned and need to remind myself is, that I have outgrown some immaturity and the desire to be in the "in" crowd with the people I grew up with. Life isn't a popularity contest and the people that really care will not always be the people you think of when the word "friend" comes up.

Sadly the loss of my dog taught me to not take things for granted. Most of all it taught me that I am responsible and brave when it comes to doing what needs to be done even if it hurts and makes me cry.

The last big impact this year has been with my tumor in my uterus. The stress and worry that came from and still comes from that was more than what I could voice. I felt like if I discussed it then I was a "drama queen" or that others felt they needed to compete. I still have to deal with this even after the surgery. I have an appointment with an oncologist due to the tumor testing results finding it a Borderline Serous Ovarian Tumor which is but is not cancer... (I don't know it is all confusing). I have to meet with this doctor and it may be just an education about what it was and what to look for if the other ovary starts to act up... or it could be more depending on what she recommends. Part of me just wants to avoid and the other part wants to be as proactive as possible. I know it could be worse and I shouldn't complain, but I need to somewhere don't I. Can't I be upset that life isn't fair and somethings continue to just frustrate me in this 33 year old body.

**** But I have learned about who is really there for ME and who is there for show****
I am blessed in that way.

This year (as in previous years) has made me very aware of what a wonderful and loving husband I have. He is my rock and even when he doesn't know what to do or say he finds a way of showing me that he loves me very much.