Exhaling and letting it all out

Ahhh spring is in the air, along with wind, snow, rain, and ice. I am going to be 32... ugh. I know to some that is not old or anything to worry about. Honestly it is just another day but I always find this time of year so hard for me. I become reflective....

April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.

Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.

You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.

The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.

Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.

Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.