Crazy But Meaningful Dreams

I think my counselor would be proud.  I had a dream, well parts of a dream, that stuck with me.

I was skinny and in a very elegant dress.  I was trying to leave and go somewhere.  However, some girl was in my way.  She would not allow me to leave.  It even got physical.  As the struggle went on I changed; I got fatter.  The girl I was fighting was me.  It was me standing in the way of my success and it affected the way I saw myself and my weight.  Sadly the thin me did not win the fight. 

However, I think it allowed me to acknowledge that I stand in the way of my success.  This is something I have known for awhile but really never wanted to acknowledge the depth of it.  Factors in life play their part but bottom line it comes down to my desire, reaction, and focus.  I have allowed my focus to be on other things and at times that has been okay.  However, my focus needs to me on ME now.  I need to be okay with ME.

This is something I am still in the dark about.  I don't like myself and I am unsure as to how to fix it.  I have started writing in a journal and have more to say than I thought.  This blog is so I can air some stuff but the private head spinning stuff is for no one to see.  I am to figure out some things I like about myself and how to have fun.

Strange thing was when my counselor asked me what I do for fun.  I listed off things I used to do for fun (reading, going out with friends, ect.).  When asked what I have done in the last few months... I really didn't have an answer.  I came up with these after a few minutes of sitting there - watch some movies we rent and play boardgames with my kids.  Which those are fun but the boardgames have been twice in like 4 months and well both of them I don't leave my house.

I am having a hard time wanting to leave my house and be around people.  I can go to work... I kind of have a different persona that takes over and out of obligation to my family will make sure I do that.  Plus work is a place I feel in control.  I am good at my job and knowing what I am doing gives me a sense of accomplishment and control.

So lately I have been working out pretty much daily.  I love Pilate or yoga because they both require so much control over your body.  I like feeling I am in control even if it is something I am not yet good at.

Wow, this entry was all over the place....