GOALS

It is always good to have some clear goals.  So here are mine.

I have the goal to leave the past in the past... really leave it there.  I have anger and frustration build around things that will never change.  I will never get acknowledgment, validation, and/or apologies for them.  The only person they affect is me.  I am allowing other things to control my happiness. 

I want to not be so sensitive.  I tend to want to please people and then get hurt when I don't.  Or the other side is when I seem to be forgotten.  Who cares?  Not them, so why should I?  Instead of letting it roll off but into some strange pocket of emotions that I keep locked up only to boil over when it gets too full.  If people don't like the way I did something or think I should do something different... too bad.  They aren't me and they don't have to live with my choices.  Therefore, it is really none of their business nor is it their place to judge.

I am going to speak my mind more.  I tend to keep so much inside for various reasons.  I don't want to hurt a person's feelings - even if they have hurt mine.  I don't want to seem needy or dramatic even though I have a right to worry or need some support.  The bottom line is that if I communicate these things then people don't have to guess.  They will then choose whether or not they are going to respond and how they want to do so.  I am bad about asking for help but get hurt that I don't have any help.  Well at least if I ask I will know if a person really decides to be there or not.  This has been working.  I now tell my husband what I need and he gets it.  I did the same with my family.  My sister got it in an angry conversation and didn't respond well at all.  She is not willing to give me what I need - at least not now - and that is her right.  My parents surprised me though.  They stated they understood and showed me that they want me to do what I need and encouraged me to do it.  That was unexpected. 

I want to lose weight.  I want to be the person I am on the inside not be trapped by the layers on the outside.  I am living my life by hiding.  I don't want my picture taken, don't really want to be around people, and so forth.  It is because who I am on the outside is someone I don't feel comfortable with.  Which in turn is killing me on the inside and results in nothing but questions and insecurities.  My goal in this area is to be smaller than my husband.  I know that is strange but I would like to feel like a woman - the smaller companion - in this relationship instead of like the Miss Piggie to Kermit the Frog.  It took me a long time to get this way and it is going to take me a while to undo it. 

I want to help my daughter be a strong and healthy person.  I have let her see a woman who hides who she is and eats to feel better.  She shies away from getting her picture taken and is already uncomfortable in her skin.  She is not overweight but beautiful.  But I do feel that I need to start now while she is 13 instead of waiting until she has become unhealthy and has a longer road ahead of her.  I sat down today and had a conversation with her about some changes we need to make.  So we came up with some things to try at least for a month to see if it will make a difference. 

These are my goals.  These goals will help me to take my life back instead of allowing other things, people, or events to dictate who I am and how I live.  This is me striving to be healthy from the inside out.

Crazy But Meaningful Dreams

I think my counselor would be proud.  I had a dream, well parts of a dream, that stuck with me.

I was skinny and in a very elegant dress.  I was trying to leave and go somewhere.  However, some girl was in my way.  She would not allow me to leave.  It even got physical.  As the struggle went on I changed; I got fatter.  The girl I was fighting was me.  It was me standing in the way of my success and it affected the way I saw myself and my weight.  Sadly the thin me did not win the fight. 

However, I think it allowed me to acknowledge that I stand in the way of my success.  This is something I have known for awhile but really never wanted to acknowledge the depth of it.  Factors in life play their part but bottom line it comes down to my desire, reaction, and focus.  I have allowed my focus to be on other things and at times that has been okay.  However, my focus needs to me on ME now.  I need to be okay with ME.

This is something I am still in the dark about.  I don't like myself and I am unsure as to how to fix it.  I have started writing in a journal and have more to say than I thought.  This blog is so I can air some stuff but the private head spinning stuff is for no one to see.  I am to figure out some things I like about myself and how to have fun.

Strange thing was when my counselor asked me what I do for fun.  I listed off things I used to do for fun (reading, going out with friends, ect.).  When asked what I have done in the last few months... I really didn't have an answer.  I came up with these after a few minutes of sitting there - watch some movies we rent and play boardgames with my kids.  Which those are fun but the boardgames have been twice in like 4 months and well both of them I don't leave my house.

I am having a hard time wanting to leave my house and be around people.  I can go to work... I kind of have a different persona that takes over and out of obligation to my family will make sure I do that.  Plus work is a place I feel in control.  I am good at my job and knowing what I am doing gives me a sense of accomplishment and control.

So lately I have been working out pretty much daily.  I love Pilate or yoga because they both require so much control over your body.  I like feeling I am in control even if it is something I am not yet good at.

Wow, this entry was all over the place....

Anger

Have you ever had the feeling that some people rejoice over your pain?  That when things are going bad for you... all the sudden the sun seems to shine for them.  

Growing up there were a few people in my life that seemed to react that way towards me.  It seems that it really hasn't changed.  Now I could be reading into is, that is possible, but I had a flashback today. 

When I was younger there was an incident where everyone in a room waited for me to find out something they all knew would be painful.  Matters of the heart. When I did, all eyes were on me for a reaction.  I really did not react at all until I was home. 

Now I am going through some stuff and well my life isn't so perfect.  I let very little of it be known but should have just shut my mouth.  I could see the glimmer in the eyes of another.  I was easily dismissed and even kind of made fun of.  I saw a similar look of satisfaction that I saw years ago.  I was then discounted for my weight loss and effort.  No congrats but rather how I am "doing it wrong." 

I am just angry.  I am so sick of being angry.  But I do have to say that working out made me feel better.  I just need to stick with that and focus. 

Cracked

Weight down to 212.8, so almost 5 pounds in a week.  That did put a smile on my face.  I just have to keep it up.

I cracked last week.  You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens.  It changes the ability of the item.  It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used.  I have been all spun up. 

I think I cracked so more last night.  The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me.  I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.

In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well.  Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted.  I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed.  However, it just left me numb.

I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.

Hanging by a Thread

I am hanging by a thread.  I feel myself slipping away.  I don't know who I am right now and even where I fit in.  I am scared and lost.

I had someone give me an assignment:  Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best?  And what made it so great? 

Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard.  I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost.  Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight.   Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight.  My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion.  My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.

The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless.  So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone.  I am afraid I am self destructing...  Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough.  It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time.  A good worker or good parent.  A good daughter or a strong individual.  Do I always have to choose?  I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough.  I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap.  I have everything to lose.  So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.

Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread.  It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.

Jann Arden - Hangin' By A Thread Lyrics

Songwriters: Foster, Robert;Richards, Jann Arden

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was