Well it has been a while and I have actually had a few requests to update this thing...LOL. So I am trying to figure out what to write. I don't want it to be negative and venting.. I think that was what my last two were like. Life has it's stresses and although it is all "normal" to a degree I have shared enough with some of my closer friends lately that it is being dealt with.
So what is going on that is interesting. I have found that I really do love what I do. Yeah, the politics can be a BIG pain, but whatever. I really wish I could share some stuff but well can't be very specific. I do know that I think I would make a horrible police officer on patrol. When I read the police reports I find that I am either just really irritated or laughing. There was one report that I was laughing sooooo hard I was actually crying. It was a mixture of the sarcasm of the officer and the stupidity of the person (who was currently on my caseload so I visualize him). It is interesting how well people will stick to their stories even after they realize there is nooooo way that they could be true.
I have also heard some real interesting stories as to why people use drugs. I have a hard time not laughing at the person sitting across from me. I do have to give them credit, most hardcore addicts are very inventive.
I have been told by more than one of my clients that I tend to smile really big (annoyingly) when I know they are lying or am ready to have a good come back for what they are saying. I think I will strive for the type of service that puts them in jail with a smile. That is pretty different and memorable. Hey, I think I just found my new motto... a new take on service with a smile.
I am also happy that Sean is 30. This is just plain selfish on my part....LOL. But the fact I was in my 30's and he was in his 20's for some reason really bugged me. I know, I know we are not the far apart in age but the gap sounds bigger when the first number doesn't match.
I know this has not been my most entertaining post. What do you expect... I couldn't sleep due to some serious things on my mind so I did give it a good shot. Maybe the next one will be better.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Exhaling and letting it all out
Ahhh spring is in the air, along with wind, snow, rain, and ice. I am going to be 32... ugh. I know to some that is not old or anything to worry about. Honestly it is just another day but I always find this time of year so hard for me. I become reflective....
April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.
Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.
You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.
The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.
Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.
Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.
April thru June of my junior and senior year of high school had so many different things that happened that changed so much in my life. December is also a hard month due to the loss of my great-grandma (the best and kindest person that I have truly ever met) and our family friend Cliff. Those two death coupled with the loss of Alex (my junior year) and Chad (my senior year), both in the spring, really impact me. The last two cause impact so much every year because they took their own lives. Alex has been haunting my dreams lately. He just pops up and I never know what to say in my dreams to him. It is silly cause I know there were many others that were so much closer and miss him so much more than me. However, I can't control my dreams (although at times that would be nice). My sister (who has never smoked) smokes in her dreams when she is stressed. I tend to revisit the past or have dreams where things go wrong and one-by-one the stress causes my teeth fall out...lol. I wake-up and make sure they are all there in my mouth.
Now a family friend and part of my teenage years, died a few days ago suddenly and I just began to grieve tonight. I grieve for the loss and for those they left behind. For those that will never know her and those that will never be the same without her. Funny how all the pain can flow back at one time. I finally let myself cry.
You see I used to be a very emotional person and cried all the time. It has been so long and I feel so different. Many things this year have help mold that change to where I just don't get that emotional. Really in many ways it is a good thing. However, I found it makes it harder to allow myself to feel or be honest with what is going on inside. I would rather laugh or make others laugh than allow any sort of pain.
The really crappy thing is to have the "what ifs" that creep in your head. "What if" this had happened or "what if" that never happened. You see it sucks because the reality is that there is no alternative what-so-ever. It happened the way it happened and nothing can change it. The things that played out afterwards can't be changed either. Honestly I tend to look for the good on a day-to-day basis. I have to. I have wonderful kids and a very wonderful husband. I just want it to quit hurting when I look back. The fear of what happened, who I was, who I could have been, what others thought, and the emptiness is overwhelming. I know that is why I have pushed a lot of my older friends away cause I have a hard time going back there. Time keeps us busy enough that we don't stop to feel and I think it is a wonderful thing.
Spring is also hard for me because that is also when my most painful break-ups happened. Those are another series of dreams of unresolved anger and hurt. The result is that my husband gets me feeling needy. This is when I start to ask him all the time if he loves me. I know he does more than anyone else has ever in my life. I just feel the insecurity seep in and wonder why he is with me. My poor husband... lol he married me at the beginning of spring so didn't know what he was signing up for.
Okay... so I got that all out. Exhale, sign, pop my neck and move forward. Can't just stand here looking back. It does no good and just makes things harder for those around me. So here I am on the edge of 32... goals. I am going to start and stick to a better eating plan starting tomorrow and be faithful to it for at least 6 months. I am going to print out a calendar and work out something somehow three times a week no matter how much of a headache I have. I am going to smile at myself in the mirror, do my hair, be strong, and let things in our uncertain future unfold as they will. I will not let myself hold everything in. I will not allow what others are feeling to control my actions. I will cherish the good, seek out the positive, and acknowledge that everyone is having their own battles, no one is alone or has it all together. I will honor those that have gone a sleep in death and pray for those that are still breathing. I will make age 32 better than age 31.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Headaches... great!
So I have had a headache since like the end of January. It has gotten a bit better and now lately soooooo much worse. I finally could not take it anymore. I went to the doctor yesterday after work. I mean here I am talking to people holding my head, pulling my hair, or getting lost in my own thoughts cause my head is ready to just explode or fall off.
So we go in and the doctor thinks they are tension headaches that are so bad because I let them go on for so long. In my defense I used to get migraines that would subside in about a week if I stuck them out. I have had horrible headaches for as long as I can remember, even when I was really little and my mom would turn out the lights and have me listen to classical music.
The thing is that I really dreaded telling my parents who had my kids what the doctor said. Reason being that I feel as though they think that I can't handle this new job. Reality is that I love my new job! It is just everything that has been going on in the mean time.
Yes, it is stressful learning a new job and dealing with other people who really don't want to see you (well except for the small few that get sad when I tell them they are done and they still want to come see me). But lets review all the other things that have been going on. I went to the eye doctor in February and he freaked me out by telling me there was a higher chance than not that I had cancer in my eye. After waiting two to three weeks that turned out to be nothing and the eye doctor was just as relieved as me. Yeah, that was stressful. My daughter is becoming quite the moody teenager and we have frustration with the whole "I do my homework, but just don't bother to turn it in is why I have an F in that class" episodes that are reoccurring. Dylan being sick and getting the flu. Parenting is stressful. The whole "what the heck is going on at Micron issues" with Sean facing the layoff. Now, honestly I am doing well with it realizing it is what it is and there is nothing we can do but keep moving forward. Then life in general with watching loved ones go through stuff and feeling for them.
I am doing much better at handling these things than I used to. No crying, blowing up, and so on. I have been like "well whatever." So maybe my new approach has just settles in my neck and head as my new way of dealing with it.
So now on top of some new meds for a while, I have to go to physical therapy to get this under control. One way or another I will have to fit it in my really full schedule. But, yeah I'm not stressing about it. LOL
So we go in and the doctor thinks they are tension headaches that are so bad because I let them go on for so long. In my defense I used to get migraines that would subside in about a week if I stuck them out. I have had horrible headaches for as long as I can remember, even when I was really little and my mom would turn out the lights and have me listen to classical music.
The thing is that I really dreaded telling my parents who had my kids what the doctor said. Reason being that I feel as though they think that I can't handle this new job. Reality is that I love my new job! It is just everything that has been going on in the mean time.
Yes, it is stressful learning a new job and dealing with other people who really don't want to see you (well except for the small few that get sad when I tell them they are done and they still want to come see me). But lets review all the other things that have been going on. I went to the eye doctor in February and he freaked me out by telling me there was a higher chance than not that I had cancer in my eye. After waiting two to three weeks that turned out to be nothing and the eye doctor was just as relieved as me. Yeah, that was stressful. My daughter is becoming quite the moody teenager and we have frustration with the whole "I do my homework, but just don't bother to turn it in is why I have an F in that class" episodes that are reoccurring. Dylan being sick and getting the flu. Parenting is stressful. The whole "what the heck is going on at Micron issues" with Sean facing the layoff. Now, honestly I am doing well with it realizing it is what it is and there is nothing we can do but keep moving forward. Then life in general with watching loved ones go through stuff and feeling for them.
I am doing much better at handling these things than I used to. No crying, blowing up, and so on. I have been like "well whatever." So maybe my new approach has just settles in my neck and head as my new way of dealing with it.
So now on top of some new meds for a while, I have to go to physical therapy to get this under control. One way or another I will have to fit it in my really full schedule. But, yeah I'm not stressing about it. LOL
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wow, where have I been?
So I guess it have not written for a while. I swear I get started on something and then get addicted and forget all the other stuff. My husband got a facebook page. Well then so did I. What I love is that I have 10 of my cousins on there. One I have not seen since I was 12 or 13 that lives in New Jersey. It has been fun chatting with him and learning about him. I also get to tease my cousins in California and get to see what they have going on. I adore my cousin Josh because he just is fun and loves to be different.
My husband took me to an Opera for our anniversary. It was great! Mozart was the composer but it was one of his comedies. The cast and singers were wonderful both acting and singing. Yes, it was sung in Italian (I believe) but with subtitles projected above. They modernized the set and props so it was easy to follow and laugh. It was funny to see that some people dressed up like a black tie affair and some were in jeans and t-shirts. It was at the Egyptian Theater so I wondered if some people wanted to go to a movie and then realized that an Opera was playing. But it was way more expensive than a movie...lol. Sean and I dressed up nice. Afterall we were on a date. :)
My son Dylan is wayyyyyyyy toooooooo smart. He amazes me when he does his homework how little help he needs and fast he catches on. Yesterday, I just kind of ran the timer on his reading but he did all the worksheets by himself quick as lightnight and right.
Aubree is my kid I have to fight her to do her homework. She is smart and creative as well. But I think that creativity makes her think that she can create a way out of doing her homework. :) She is also smarter than she lets on because she thinks that she will have someone do most of the work if she acts like she just doesn't get it. She forgets I am her mom... and I had an older sister the exact same way. Funny how things are passed on. I swear she is a clone of my sister some times.
My husband took me to an Opera for our anniversary. It was great! Mozart was the composer but it was one of his comedies. The cast and singers were wonderful both acting and singing. Yes, it was sung in Italian (I believe) but with subtitles projected above. They modernized the set and props so it was easy to follow and laugh. It was funny to see that some people dressed up like a black tie affair and some were in jeans and t-shirts. It was at the Egyptian Theater so I wondered if some people wanted to go to a movie and then realized that an Opera was playing. But it was way more expensive than a movie...lol. Sean and I dressed up nice. Afterall we were on a date. :)
My son Dylan is wayyyyyyyy toooooooo smart. He amazes me when he does his homework how little help he needs and fast he catches on. Yesterday, I just kind of ran the timer on his reading but he did all the worksheets by himself quick as lightnight and right.
Aubree is my kid I have to fight her to do her homework. She is smart and creative as well. But I think that creativity makes her think that she can create a way out of doing her homework. :) She is also smarter than she lets on because she thinks that she will have someone do most of the work if she acts like she just doesn't get it. She forgets I am her mom... and I had an older sister the exact same way. Funny how things are passed on. I swear she is a clone of my sister some times.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Am speechless...
Funny thing... my brain seems to be shutting down and I can't think. I think (yeah I just said that) it is because I have continuing education and I feel like I am in my school mode again. No room for thoughts must absorb information.
I really like the information that we are learning in our classes. I think that it is kind of my personality to do the things that we are learning in how to deal with people. The crazy thing is that because I am the newest P.O. and am there with the two senior P.O. I think I am that much more nervous. Not that either of them are mean or anything, but I guess I feel like I have to prove myself to some degree. I notice yesterday when it was my time to try the exercise and they were grading me my nerves took over. I was over thinking everything and in my head I was like "what am I doing" and "slow down." Ugh... it is hard to do something when you feel so unnatural because of the situation. I mean having a conversation when you know others are looking at you to grade you is brutal.
Hopefully, I will do better today. I just need to not over think it.
I really like the information that we are learning in our classes. I think that it is kind of my personality to do the things that we are learning in how to deal with people. The crazy thing is that because I am the newest P.O. and am there with the two senior P.O. I think I am that much more nervous. Not that either of them are mean or anything, but I guess I feel like I have to prove myself to some degree. I notice yesterday when it was my time to try the exercise and they were grading me my nerves took over. I was over thinking everything and in my head I was like "what am I doing" and "slow down." Ugh... it is hard to do something when you feel so unnatural because of the situation. I mean having a conversation when you know others are looking at you to grade you is brutal.
Hopefully, I will do better today. I just need to not over think it.
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