Have you ever had the feeling that some people rejoice over your pain? That when things are going bad for you... all the sudden the sun seems to shine for them.
Growing up there were a few people in my life that seemed to react that way towards me. It seems that it really hasn't changed. Now I could be reading into is, that is possible, but I had a flashback today.
When I was younger there was an incident where everyone in a room waited for me to find out something they all knew would be painful. Matters of the heart. When I did, all eyes were on me for a reaction. I really did not react at all until I was home.
Now I am going through some stuff and well my life isn't so perfect. I let very little of it be known but should have just shut my mouth. I could see the glimmer in the eyes of another. I was easily dismissed and even kind of made fun of. I saw a similar look of satisfaction that I saw years ago. I was then discounted for my weight loss and effort. No congrats but rather how I am "doing it wrong."
I am just angry. I am so sick of being angry. But I do have to say that working out made me feel better. I just need to stick with that and focus.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Cracked
Weight down to 212.8, so almost 5 pounds in a week. That did put a smile on my face. I just have to keep it up.
I cracked last week. You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens. It changes the ability of the item. It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used. I have been all spun up.
I think I cracked so more last night. The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me. I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.
In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well. Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted. I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed. However, it just left me numb.
I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.
I cracked last week. You know when a glass or a mirror just gets hit with something and long crack happens. It changes the ability of the item. It distorts the way it looks and the way it can be used. I have been all spun up.
I think I cracked so more last night. The reality that I am facing this crazy sort of hell alone hit me. I know others are affected, well wait... they are very little.
In some ways I am proud of myself because I am holding it together pretty well. Well enough that my job or family haven't been too impacted. I had an anxiety attack last night and it went unnoticed. However, it just left me numb.
I guess it is a good thing I have an appointment on Tuesday to where my head is at and how to clear/cope with it.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Hanging by a Thread
I am hanging by a thread. I feel myself slipping away. I don't know who I am right now and even where I fit in. I am scared and lost.
I had someone give me an assignment: Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best? And what made it so great?
Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard. I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost. Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight. Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight. My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion. My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.
The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless. So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone. I am afraid I am self destructing... Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough. It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time. A good worker or good parent. A good daughter or a strong individual. Do I always have to choose? I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough. I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap. I have everything to lose. So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.
Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread. It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.
I had someone give me an assignment: Write down a time in your life when you felt like you were at your absolute best? And what made it so great?
Here is the sad thing - that is way too hard. I think of times and then it is discounted... for example - when I was 18 I was fit and a good worker, oh yeah but I was in a relationship that made me feel like crap and lost. Okay, when I got married - but I was so self conscious about my enormous painful breast and weight. Graduated from college - but I was so frustrated with the school and taking some meds to help me with my weight. My teen years were full of the stupid drama and rebellion. My childhood, well that is another session of stuff to work through.
The answer was leaving Target and being skinnier than I had ever been. I was upset and dealing with some health issues, but the decision was freeing to not feel so stuck and hopeless. So I guess right now I feel stuck, lost, scared, and alone. I am afraid I am self destructing... Even though today I had one of my bosses tell me how intelligent, articulate, and good I am at my job - how my future is so bright... but I just started tearing up because I felt like it isn't good enough. It feels like I can only be good at one thing at a time. A good worker or good parent. A good daughter or a strong individual. Do I always have to choose? I know we can't have it all but I just want to be good enough. I feel I am hanging by a thread and afraid it will snap. I have everything to lose. So maybe I do need to talk to someone that can help me sort things out. Maybe I just need give up and realize that this is life and no one wins.
Funny thing is I looked googled hanging by a thread and came across a lyrics and then a video from Jann Arden called Hanging by a Thread. It hit sooooo close to the crazy in my heart and head right now.
Songwriters: Foster, Robert;Richards, Jann Arden
When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
(chorus)
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
Sunday, January 23, 2011
THE UGLY TRUTH
I went to a drug and mental health seminar Thursday and Friday of this week. There was a lot of very good information. Many things things that will help me help others. There was one thing that stuck with me. It was not new information, but just me thinking about me. When trauma happens in a person life they all deal with it different ways. Males tend to lash outward resulting in anger, aggression, and things people can visibly see. Females lash inward. They can become less socialize and tend to do things that hurt themselves. They over or under eat, act out sexually or pull way back sexually, and they are numb but emotional. I always lash inward. Right now I really don't want to be around anyone and I just want to hide under the fat and food that can be so easily consumed. But I can't do this to myself anymore cause like most things it just compounds the problems, never solving them.
I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable. I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me. They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has. Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this. However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves. What kind of damage am I doing to him? I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him. Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun. Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up. The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again. Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him. I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.
What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model? She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it. I can't hide from it.
I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case. But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through. Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.
I weigh 217.6 pounds....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sadly this is not the most I have ever weighed but still is highly unacceptable. I have a lot of anger and unresolved things inside me. They are mine but I know they spill over on those I love in my life. I do worry at times it will affect my marriage, well more than it has. Don't get me wrong, Sean loves me, I have never doubted this. However, how long can a person love someone that hates themselves. What kind of damage am I doing to him? I know there are plenty of beautiful girls that would do anything to have a man like him. Less crazy girls that he can admire not have to wonder what is wrong with them, why they are quiet, and why can't they just be fun. Sometimes I feel bad cause I feel he is married to 80 year old woman who just is waiting to go to sleep and not wake up. The funny thing is that part of the reason I was attracted to him was that he made me feel young again. Now I fear I have sucked his youth out of him. I feel like the evil theif that has taken his youth or joy.
What kind of damage am I doing to my daughter for whom I am supposed to be a role model? She is beautiful and has much to offer the world but would rather hide from it herself. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
So here I bare for all to see (not that too many read this) part of my shame... hoping it will make me face it. I can't hide from it.
I don't want to do this alone, but that may be the case. But I have to find that inner strength inside me that will push through. Eye on the prize, bigger picture, better self - right.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tubling around in my head... Need to find a way to let it go.
So here is my venting or processing.
I find that I have helped create a mess in my life and then am dissatisfied with it. There is the thought that we train people on how to treat us... so if we command respect we get it and if not then we shouldn't expect it. I know that with my "friends" I tend to be the one that acts like certain things are not a big deal to me so as to not make the person feel bad.
Some examples - I had surgery and was scared to death. Some "friends" forgot or kind of blew it off, so then later when it came up some sort of apologized. I kept telling them that it was no big deal and I am sure they had many other things to worry about... it was okay that they weren't even there to ask how I was.
Another, I send emails, messages, and phone calls but don't get anything in return until they are in a crisis and then they will make a comment like - thanks for listening, I know I haven't been the best friend - and so what do I do but assure them they are fine and not worry about it.
So I don't acknowledge the wrong and smooth it over. I don't want that person to feel bad even if I feel terrible, hurt, or frustrated. Then later I am shocked and hurt all over again when it happens yet again.
I have never been the jealous or possessive friend. I don't get easily offended when I am not invited to everything or overlooked. I understand that certain events are a better fit for some people and other times it just happens to be a matter of timing when people get together. However, it does wear on you after a while because they do want you to not hold it against them but will hold it against you. Heck, one time at a funeral my "friends" were inviting everyone over to talk about old times in dealing with the loss of someone and I was NOT invited - which was pretty clear to me with the hushed talking and so forth. If the point was to hurt me, well you succeeded and now I need to let it go along with other things. But again, I sweep it under the rug and don't confront.
The one time I did it went badly and didn't change anything. The reality of that situation was me standing up for my sister and the person was worried about losing my sister's friendship but more than happy to tell me where to stick it. So I guess I only stand up to people when it is on behalf of others. The other incidents are that I have broken-up with or discontinued friendships because I can't condone some things that they have been doing, but even then it is never anything that they have don't to me personally.
The problem is that I am torn because a person should do something because they want to - not because they are obligated. So I take it that they don't feel obligated but only want me around when they reap the benefits. The times people have done things because of obligation it has been written all over the place. You know, having to invite me because of my sister or parents. Doing something because others around them expected it not because they wanted to. I don't want that, but I also can't handle the one-sided friendships either. So where do you draw the line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and saying I can't do this anymore.
When I was initially dealing with some pretty freaky health issues I did not know how to tell my friends and truthfully even some of my close family. I felt like I am damn if I do and damn if I don't. If I spill my fears and bring up things then I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking. Which I am seeking some attention because I need to process what is going on. The reactions I get are things that make me feel like I am being stupid, overacting, or the subject is changed. So then I stop telling them anything and they get angry when they find out from other means. The other thing that tends to happen is all the sudden I think some find it as a challenge - they have to tell me why things are so much worse for them and it almost feels like a dare to keep comparing. So I flip over the topic of conversation to what is going on with them.
See that tends to be my way of any conversations now. They ask how I am doing - I say fine - and then ask something specific about them because I know it is headed there anyway. I know they are not going to ask me specifically unless it is play the challenge game. Please don't think I am not aware that everyone has something going on. I am even aware that some things others are going through really are very stressful and yes, worse then mine own issues. I guess I just want an acknowledgment that what I am feeling or going through is stressful, frustrating, and I have a right to be worried or scared. You know a conversation where people are there to take an interest in each other. Listen, ask questions, and show concern for each other.
I continue to try to be this good friend who shows up to do even physical labor when I know it needs to be done or the shoulder to cry on when needed. But like I said it is taking it's toll. I guess I want to just quit caring that others don't care. Be the bigger person without a soft heart. I need to quit expecting that things are going to change. So why can't I? Why can't I just accept this is the way things are? They have been this way for most of my life... what is my problem?
I am scared right now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that could be hardly nothing to well something. I don't want to worry for nothing but my head will not stop running. It would be nice to feel like I could just call someone and just talk it out.... But instead it is after midnight and I am typing it all out.
Maybe in the light of day it won't seem so bad. I mean who really cares in the long run. Right? I just need to let it go................................
I find that I have helped create a mess in my life and then am dissatisfied with it. There is the thought that we train people on how to treat us... so if we command respect we get it and if not then we shouldn't expect it. I know that with my "friends" I tend to be the one that acts like certain things are not a big deal to me so as to not make the person feel bad.
Some examples - I had surgery and was scared to death. Some "friends" forgot or kind of blew it off, so then later when it came up some sort of apologized. I kept telling them that it was no big deal and I am sure they had many other things to worry about... it was okay that they weren't even there to ask how I was.
Another, I send emails, messages, and phone calls but don't get anything in return until they are in a crisis and then they will make a comment like - thanks for listening, I know I haven't been the best friend - and so what do I do but assure them they are fine and not worry about it.
So I don't acknowledge the wrong and smooth it over. I don't want that person to feel bad even if I feel terrible, hurt, or frustrated. Then later I am shocked and hurt all over again when it happens yet again.
I have never been the jealous or possessive friend. I don't get easily offended when I am not invited to everything or overlooked. I understand that certain events are a better fit for some people and other times it just happens to be a matter of timing when people get together. However, it does wear on you after a while because they do want you to not hold it against them but will hold it against you. Heck, one time at a funeral my "friends" were inviting everyone over to talk about old times in dealing with the loss of someone and I was NOT invited - which was pretty clear to me with the hushed talking and so forth. If the point was to hurt me, well you succeeded and now I need to let it go along with other things. But again, I sweep it under the rug and don't confront.
The one time I did it went badly and didn't change anything. The reality of that situation was me standing up for my sister and the person was worried about losing my sister's friendship but more than happy to tell me where to stick it. So I guess I only stand up to people when it is on behalf of others. The other incidents are that I have broken-up with or discontinued friendships because I can't condone some things that they have been doing, but even then it is never anything that they have don't to me personally.
The problem is that I am torn because a person should do something because they want to - not because they are obligated. So I take it that they don't feel obligated but only want me around when they reap the benefits. The times people have done things because of obligation it has been written all over the place. You know, having to invite me because of my sister or parents. Doing something because others around them expected it not because they wanted to. I don't want that, but I also can't handle the one-sided friendships either. So where do you draw the line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and saying I can't do this anymore.
When I was initially dealing with some pretty freaky health issues I did not know how to tell my friends and truthfully even some of my close family. I felt like I am damn if I do and damn if I don't. If I spill my fears and bring up things then I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking. Which I am seeking some attention because I need to process what is going on. The reactions I get are things that make me feel like I am being stupid, overacting, or the subject is changed. So then I stop telling them anything and they get angry when they find out from other means. The other thing that tends to happen is all the sudden I think some find it as a challenge - they have to tell me why things are so much worse for them and it almost feels like a dare to keep comparing. So I flip over the topic of conversation to what is going on with them.
See that tends to be my way of any conversations now. They ask how I am doing - I say fine - and then ask something specific about them because I know it is headed there anyway. I know they are not going to ask me specifically unless it is play the challenge game. Please don't think I am not aware that everyone has something going on. I am even aware that some things others are going through really are very stressful and yes, worse then mine own issues. I guess I just want an acknowledgment that what I am feeling or going through is stressful, frustrating, and I have a right to be worried or scared. You know a conversation where people are there to take an interest in each other. Listen, ask questions, and show concern for each other.
I continue to try to be this good friend who shows up to do even physical labor when I know it needs to be done or the shoulder to cry on when needed. But like I said it is taking it's toll. I guess I want to just quit caring that others don't care. Be the bigger person without a soft heart. I need to quit expecting that things are going to change. So why can't I? Why can't I just accept this is the way things are? They have been this way for most of my life... what is my problem?
I am scared right now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that could be hardly nothing to well something. I don't want to worry for nothing but my head will not stop running. It would be nice to feel like I could just call someone and just talk it out.... But instead it is after midnight and I am typing it all out.
Maybe in the light of day it won't seem so bad. I mean who really cares in the long run. Right? I just need to let it go................................
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